Probably the worst I hate most in the English language is "beard."

This is going to be an annoying feeling-sorry-for-self post. I usually do pretty well at staying positive, but we all have our moments.  I've been in a bit of a funk since yesterday.

Have had 4 full-face and 4 muzzle laser treatments. It is doing a good job on reducing the beard shadow and will reduce the total hours of electrolysis. I'm pleased with how that has gone. I know some of them will come back... I knew this going in, but there will be permanent reduction.

I've been doing electro for almost 3 months and have managed a meager 13 hours. Realistically, if I keep doing it this way, at this pace, I will be at this for another 2 years, at least. This I also knew going in... but it's hard leaving work early, driving 35 miles, paying $114/hour to be in pain, driving 35 miles home.

With gas and tolls, it costs me about $130/hour.  My electrologist says she can get around 300 hairs in an hour.  5 per minute... seems about right.  Figure a kill rate of 33%.  So that's 100 hairs gone forever, for $130.  That's $1.30 per hair.  That's fucking nuts.

And not being able to shave for 2 days. That's depressing. It's depressing to look at my face. It's depressing to look at my face in a makeup mirror and realize just how many follicles there are.  And those are just the active ones. I'm thinking about E3000 for at least a couple clearings, but don't know if I can come up with the $3000 or so that the first trip would cost.

I took a picture of myself tonight... my hair is at that awkward length (around 5") and there is lots of grey... the beard... bags under my eyes... I look at this picture and wonder how the hell that I think I can pull this off. I look old, ridiculous, and nowhere near feminine. I look awful, like one of those awful mugshots that appear on the Smoking Gun.  And let's not even get started on my voice.

See?  This is what happens after a couple of days of not shaving.  I HATE not being able to shave.  I don't know how I am going to keep doing this for 2 years.

There are really times that I wonder if this is some unreachable dream for me, that is all going to come crashing down someday.  There are times I wish this would just go away, that I hate being like this.  Despite the blog title.  There are times I wish that I could go away.  But I won't.

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When I transitioned, there just weren't too many blogs out there written by straight, transitioned women. Well, here's one.

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