Everything *seems* to be going well, at least on a superficial level... but is it, really?

My family... I dunno. My mom is making an effort, she's trying to use my name and all, but we don't talk too often. Maybe once a week. My dad... I don't really hear much from him. But, that's nothing new. Hasn't changed much from what things were like before my announcement. My sister... she's regressed, I think. We don't talk as often as we used to.  She's busy, and sometimes just doesn't want to hear about it, or deal with it, or something like that. It's hard because they live far away, and don't see me very often. So my changes are not gradual to them. There will be a point in the future where it's not OK for them to say things like "I don't want to deal with this," anymore. I'm not there yet, but I feel closer than ever to this point. This is who I am, and this is the biggest and best thing that has ever happened to me. And if one doesn't want to deal with it, she doesn't want to deal with me. I'm not going to have superficial phone calls with people with all this stuff in the background. What if someone had some other medical condition, like, say they were recovering from cancer? Can you imagine telling someone you didn't want to hear about it? "Ugh, you know, I really don't want to hear about this stupid cancer recovery you keep talking about. I'm done with it." This shouldn't be any different.

Friends... they're supportive in the sense of commenting on my Facebook statuses or clicking "Like" and meeting up for a drink (when I invite), but no one has proactively asked me to do anything or get together, in literally months. It's always me asking. I've gone out with people very often. Which is nice, but it would also be nice if someone asked me to do something once in a while. I'd talked about getting together with a couple people and they said, "send me some dates!!" so I sent a list of dates. Annnnnd, I've not heard back. I had planned this thing at my place, invited a bunch of people, and ended up canceling it after 3 no's, 4 maybe's, 1 yes, and 18 no responses. It was just stressing me out. I don't need that.  I've been invited to come visit people (long-distance) for the weekend, which is awesome. I have a couple trips planned. I've invited people to my place for a weekend, and I get a series of we'll sees or we're very busies, etc. I'm so tired of being the one to reach out. So, I'm not going to anymore, for a while.  It's exhausting, especially with everything else going on.

There's a pattern here. I don't know if the pattern is more about me as a person, or people are just busy, or lazy, or noncommittal, or what. But for the rest of my life, when these sorts of things go on, I'll always wonder if it's because I am trans. Kinda sucks.

And this trans support site I am on... it gets tiresome. The titles of the last few posts...

  • Speedbump
  • Grey Inside My Soul
  • Things I Don't Like About Myself
  • A thought that bothers me
  • Be careful what you wish for
  • Another disappointing day
  • Pieces Left Behind
  • A sad day
All negative.  The drum of constant negativity gets to me at times.  There was even a post by one of the site admins titled "No Spiking The Ball!"  meaning, if good things happen to you in your transition, it might be insensitive to write about them, as it's not going like that for everyone.  Whatever.  Only on a transgender site would there be a post by an admin, warning people against being too positive.

I'm tired of reaching out.  I'm tired of reaching out to people and having it not reciprocated.  I'm tired of the constant negativity of the transgender world.  I came out to a few thousand people on my other site this week, and while the response was great, the act of coming out like that, is tiring.  I'm tired of being the standard-bearer for transgender people in my little circle, if it is even a circle. I'm tired of these constant mental ups and downs, case in point, this post, juxtaposed with my last one, about "fun." I try my best to stay positive.  But at times, this all gets to me, and I just want to hide for a while.  Like, now.  So, no worries, site admin.  I won't spike the ball for a while.


And all this matters....why?

What is YOUR story? What exactly are YOU doing to make things better for yourself?

Just askin?

Well, i guess there are going to be ups and downs in any process, right? Just ride it out. The good stuff will come around, again. :)

i struggle, too, with doing things with friends. If i invite people, they'll gladly do things, but if i don't reach out, i hear NOTHING for months. i tend to like my friendships and other interpersonal relationships to be about a 50-50 split of effort, but apparently i have no friends with the same viewpoint...

And there are a lot more ups, than downs, no doubt, Laurie. Not even close. But we all have our moments. I feel like it makes my blog less real if I post only good things.

Well, it's good to know I'm not the only one, I guess. 50-50? I'd take 80-20 at this point. :)

I totally understand, especially about the "support" site. And yes I used the quotes in a sarcastic manner, mostly because I never really felt the support was there. I don't consider griping and a constant woe-is-me to be classified as support. It's one of the reasons I dropped out.

Sounds like you need a friend. Not just a web friend, but someone who just takes you for Faline. Someone to go out with, just for a cheeseburger. Someone to sit down with and watch a stupid movie, and laugh your ass off. Someone to walk to the Lincoln Memorial with. Someone to talk to and not have to worry about being "correct" all the time. Could be male or female, I really don't think it matters as long as you're both understanding.

I hope it happens!

You get it, Suzanne. With respect to the support site and the friends thing.

Friendships these days are an endless parade of meeting someone for a drink or maybe dinner for an hour or two. We "catch up," and then typically, it's a couple months before I see them again. I was thinking last weekend how it's been so long (I can't remember, honestly) since I did some of the things you described. To have a friend with whom I don't have to share calendars weeks in advance to plan "grabbing a drink."

Thanks for the comment... you really do get it, and I hope it happens, too. I just have to remember that I'm smack in the middle of transition right now, and that doesn't help. Someday.

I imagine that today you are able to look back six months and think, "Look at the progress I've made!" I'm also guessing that six months from now you will look back at today and say the same thing. Things seem to happen incrementally...I'm sure these are just steps on the ladder you're climbing. I often find that I have to focus on one positive thing each day in an effort to avoid the negativity that can ramble through my brain and drag me down. It's weird how one negative thought often seems to cancel out twenty positive ones. Why is that?

Try that power of positive thinking. OK, yeah it's corny as hell. But I know you must remember how you probably stumbled, cried, anguished and swore that this was not going to work, a year or even six months ago. You're doing fine...if you need to vent, we're always here!

Like much that you write (I've only found your blog recently, so I've been catching up) this post REALLY resonates with my own experience. And since I've heard it expressed in various forms by other trans people, and since I'm not a huge believer in miraculous coincidences, I have a suspicion that this is not simply a matter of you being over-sensitive or over-negative. I think you're definitely experiencing the marginalization that comes from being out and trans.

What I found is that the initial euphoria over a lack of verbal rejection when I came out was followed by an extended period of isolation. People were far more willing to say they accepted my transition than they were willing to show that support. Suddenly everyone's life was too busy, things always came up, intentions to call were consistently forgotten. The most frustrating aspect of this was its passive-aggressive nature. No one would tell me they were uncomfortable being around me (except family, who were sometimes open about blaming me for putting them through this). But their consistent avoidance made it undeniable.

This does improve over time, I'm finding. And I hope it does in your case as well. Some of the old relationships will never be the same again. But some will probably heal. And with time you'll find some new friends who don't think of you as a pity case.

mean people suck.

I know what you mean about supportive people on the surface.

I have a LOT of supportive friends and yet I had to make lots of NEW ones because even the supportive OLD friends don't make time to hang out or even talk to me half the time. It's sad sometimes.....

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