I've been trying to get to sleep for close to 4 hours now.  After I got out of grad school, around the time that the shit really started hitting the fan gender-wise, I started having severe insomnia.  It used to be so bad that sometimes I'd just give up and go into work at 4 AM.  I've not slept well for years.  20 years.  Late to bed, early to rise.  I started doing better the past 4-5 months or so... I was actually getting close to 8 hours' sleep, which for me, was awesome.  A real and true accomplishment.  When you're used to four or five hours a night, getting eight is a blessing.

I don't know what's going on lately.  I wish it would go away.  As the lives of people just starting their first year full-time go, life is good.  But I've been letting lots of things go lately... I've put on 6 pounds this month, I haven't been doing a good job of eating or drinking lots of water, or exercising, or taking care of my skin, etc.  I just haven't been taking care of myself like I should.  For me, the "holidays" end with Xmas, as I will not be doing anything on NYE.  I have this big list of things I need to start doing a better job at after I get back from Xmas.  It's a rather ambitious list, but I've certainly proven to myself in 2010 that I can accomplish more than I ever thought possible  in just one year.  So I am looking forward to 2011.

For tonight, though, I don't know what's up with this insomnia.  It's likely just a series of things, life situations, building up.  My grandmother is doing better, but she's been moved to a nursing home.  So I think about her lots.  I think the main one insofar as "stress," as I have mentioned before, the fact that I am now serious about surgery and starting the planning stages for it.  I won't reiterate everything I wrote in my second-guessing blog, but I do keep thinking "what if I'm wrong?"  Hmm, on second thought, the main one is, I'm also a little stressed about visiting the family solo, i.e., without my children.  Having them there was a bit of a buffer.  Actually, I think the main one is that I am really missing the person my ex-wife used to be, and I am pining a bit for those days.  Ok, I need to shut up now, before I come up with ten "main things."

I am going to have another glass of wine (this is only 2, so no worries), watch this YouTube fireplace video, and hopefully go to sleep.  Ciao.

2 comments:

My sympathies, insomnia is one of the joys GD bought me too.

I know how you feel. It's why I started taking a sleep aid. If not for that, I would probably never sleep beyond 2-3 hours a night. My mind just works too hard when I lie down.

xoxo

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