accept. embrace. live.

Do most of us truly want to be a part of this world? Not in the literal sense, I mean the trans world. I don't. I don't feel like I've ever really fit into this world. It's a little counterintuitive to not be able to relate to so many people going through the same profound thing that you are. But to many of them, I don't. I don't get why one would want to spend all her time around trans people. I don't get why anyone would want to make their life about being trans. I hear the phrase "you're never really done transitioning" bandied about. That's bullshit. You're never done learning, but transition for me at this point is mostly a physical thing. I don't need to learn how to fit in with women; I always have. Perhaps those who believe you're never done shouldn't have transitioned in the first place.

I remember at an early stage in my transition, maybe a month after I started going out as myself, I received an email about this new group where people could "share a potluck supper in a safe space." Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I've never been much for so-called safe spaces. That's not living. That's not why I am transitioning, so I can move from a tiny closet into one that's just a little bit bigger. I've never set foot in a gay bar. I don't get why so many trans people frequent gay bars. I don't get why such a huge percentage of transsexual women identify as lesbian, when a much smaller percentage of natal women do. The hate I've seen from certain TS people towards men is astounding and saddening.

I'm tired of the constant political parade of Facebook updates from trans activists, posting and reposting the latest news item, or issue du jour. I've defriended most of them. Even this blog. It's been great when I need to work something out, or get something out, but as I get closer to normalcy, I am finding that there's nothing normal about posting such private stuff. I'm not feeling the need to post about the latest revelation I had, or the latest thing that happened... I'm not certain that I need this blog anymore. This isn't my last post, but posting here is becoming more of a crutch. A crutch which I'm not certain I need any longer. I was an administrator on this trans support site... this past week, I resigned and deleted my account there. I don't want to be on trans support sites, let alone administer them.

I am pulling away from this community... a community I'm not even certain I was ever a part of in a real-life sense.

Virtually all of my real-life socializing time is and has been spent with cis people. This past week, for example, I spent three evenings with three different women chatting over a drink. Three with my kids. That is where I fit in. I don't fit in sitting in a large circle with a group of people struggling. I'm not struggling. My path and my goal are certain. My goal is to have a normal life.

I want out. It's just up to me to do it.