accept. embrace. live.

I read Halle's latest post yesterday, and it brought to mind something I've wanted to write about for a little while. Before I started hormone replacement therapy, I had to have some extra blood tests done, due to the fact that I had a blood clot at one point in the recent past. So I saw a hematologist, and explained to him that I was transitioning. He had never met someone like me before. He was genuinely interested, friendly, and I could tell that he wanted to ask me a few questions but was hesitant to, out of respect. I remember him smiling a lot. I told him to ask whatever he wanted, and we talked for a little bit. I left the appointment, and as I walked out of the building, "awwww, he was so nice... " popped into my head.

Wait, what?!!

I'd never had a thought like that about a man before. For my whole life, I've been attracted to women. Never walked down the street and saw a guy that I thought was cute. Not once. Never came away from a conversation with a guy thinking that I was looking forward to the next time I saw him. It was a strange feeling to have this "warm fuzzy" after a short conversation with this doctor. It keeps happening and doesn't feel strange anymore. This guy I keep seeing in line at Starbucks in the morning has the best smile. He's tall, and cute, and I'm sure that if I talked to him, I would be nervous. I find myself going to the same cashier at Trader Joe's, even when his line is longer. And he noticed! The 3rd time I was in his line, he said something like, "I guess there must be something you really like about Trader Joe's." I think he was trying to flirt with me? I responded with something stupid and likely incoherent about food, to which he recommended the Korean ribs.

As far as women go, it feels totally different now. I have many intelligent, fun, and attractive friends, and I'm not attracted to any of them. I've not met a woman that I've been attracted to on a romantic level in almost two-and-a-half years. At the moment, I feel like I'm a straight woman. I don't know if I am or not, but I suppose it doesn't matter. What I am curious about, though, is this. How does one's sexual preference just change? It's happening to me, and I cannot explain why. It seems that if I had been bisexual all this time without realizing it, at least once in my life, wouldn't I have met at least one male that I thought was cute, or was attracted to? I'm not finding it at all unsettling, it's more a curiosity.

I don't know what to tag this post with... nothing seems appropriate. I feel like the post itself is all over the place, which does seem appropriate. My first few posts in this blog seem pretty scatterbrained, so it's fitting that my first post on this topic is all over the place.

Anyway, I need to run. I'm fresh out of Korean ribs. Yummy.