accept. embrace. live.

I read some transwoman's blog last night where she said something like, and I am paraphrasing here... something like you're really only a transsexual if you feel like your only choice is "doing the change" or death. Like, unless you want to kill yourself if you can't live as a woman, you're really not a transsexual.

If that's the truth, I am not a transsexual. I'm not like this unhappy miserable person, I'm really not. I think this thing is holding me back from being as happy as I can be, or living to my full potential, or something. But I'm nowhere close to, nor have ever been, close to contemplating suicide. I've been a little depressed from time to time, but that's pretty much it.

I just read another tgirl's online diary of her hair removal process... she started with laser, a good amount of it grew back, then she went to e3000. and from the looks of it, her beard (her beard? weird to say that) was much less than mine. the woman who did my laser consult, I said something like, "and I have a heavy beard," and her eyes got all wide, and she was like, "um, yeah."

depressing. maybe if I just set my face on fire, the hair will go away.

don't worry, I am not considering setting my face on fire. although when I was in my early 20s, I went through a period, it only lasted maybe 3 or 4 months, where I did the self-harm thing. I haven't done, and have no plans to, do anything like that again.

And I am just dealing with all this now, around 15 years later.

Sheesh.

I just reread some of these posts and they all seem so heavy. I need to go get my nails done, or buy a cute pair of boots or something, and post about them. Maybe I'll go get an eyebrow wax and a French manicure next week. Have always wanted that.

Way too pensive lately!

5?... tried on a dress for the first time

7-18... snuck around trying on things of whatever female I happened to be around. I remember wearing women's stuff under my clothes to the mall, to play video games with friends, when I was 11. crossdressing took on almost a fetishistic quality for me. Parents found "stuff" in my drawers once, and I was told to "get rid of that shit." I remember sneaking out of the house at age 8 in the middle of the night, wearing a dress, being terrified that I'd be caught. This middle-of-the-night nonsense continued for 30 years.

college... more dressing up, 99% of the time stuff that no woman would wear in public.

early/mid 20s... first time on my own... at times now would dress up in normal clothes, go out to do things like get gasoline at night, once or twice go into 7-11 and buy something in heels and a skirt. cut and burned myself, still have quite a few scars. First time I heard about transitioning and transsexuals was with the advent of the Internet, when I was in grad school, around 23. Found it intriguing. Started seeing a therapist, who put me on progesterone, diagnosed me as a sex addict. Guess what. It didn't work. Binge. Purge. Repeat. Speaking of sexual things... didn't lose my virginity until I was 27. Yeah, a real sex addict. I remember when the blessed event happened, we had gone to NYC to see some musical. My therapist asked me what the best part of the weekend was, and I answered, "Seeing the musical." (Really confused look on therapists face) "Better than sex???" "Yup." Hmmm, somehow that doesn't fit the diagnosis. Sex addicts generally don't prefer musicals to sex, and cut and burn themselves. People who hate their bodies, do.

late 20s/early 30s... seriously considering that there might be more to this than meets the eye. had an electrolysis consult, saw two different gender therapists... told a close friend about electrolysis, she asked, "what about your masculine side?" I replied, "I don't think I want a masculine side."  Wasn't ready to do anything about it. placed an ad on the internet looking for a female friend who wouldn't have mind having a friend who crossdressed. met her, started dating, once in a while we'd have a "kat night," where I'd dress up and we'd hang out. was fun. we ended up getting married.

mid 30s... marriage/kids... once the kids came, everything about her changed. the gender stuff returned to stashed-away bags of clothes in the basement, and when the wife and kids would go visit family, would be a mad binge of dressing. the first thing I did one time when they went on a trip, right after work, I headed straight to the mall, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, and bought clothes.

separation. When I immediately got separated, about 2 years ago, the first thing I did after I left the house, was go to Target, buy some women's clothing, put it on, go to the hotel, and drink. Had a period where I expressed the feminine side of myself in unhealthy ways, doing bad things. had a wakeup call a little while into that, where I realized I needed (and wanted) to stop doing that sort of thing.

present-day. started going to places like the mall, the grocery store, presenting as a male, but wearing women's clothing, makeup, etc. Liked it and had fun with it. A much healthier way to express myself. Even have gone and done swim workouts wearing a women's swimsuit. A few times. No sexual thing, or thrill, behind it. I don't even know why I've done that. But it felt more or less normal to me.

Got my ears pierced a little while ago. That was kind of a trigger for me. Decided to start seeing therapist and get facial hair removed. I almost less desire to do go to the mall and presenting as a male wearing women's clothing. Might be because I can't get a good shave with this post-laser-bumpiness-and-pepperspots, but I think and fear there is more to it than that. The sexual component of this is gone, totally gone. The want to wear leather miniskirts, lingerie, stuff from Frederick's of Hollywood (which is cheaply made crap, by the way), which was what this was all about years ago, is gone. Now, I'd rather shop at Ann Taylor, or Nordstrom. Not that I can afford either one of those, so I am relegated to Kohl's. But before, where I would have in years past wanted a pair of those liquid leggings, or those shiny boots, now I want something that looks nice, or cute. Something a typical woman would wear.

I don't want to be a guy who has a fetish for women's clothing, and I moved past that.

I don't want to be a closted crossdresser, and I moved past that.

I don't want to be a non-closeted crossdresser... meet with friends pretending to be a woman for a precious evening. Never really did that.

I don't think I want to be a guy who does things, acts like, and wears things normally reserved for women. I don't want to be and am not a "metrosexual." I am pretty close to being past that, I think.

A friend asked me what I'd do, if society, family, friends, money, none of those were issues. I know what I'd do. And the reader probably does, as well.

But... all those things are issues. Do I want it enough... am I really female enough, to have the commitment and to do this? It doesn't matter that I wish I was, and want to be a woman. What matters more is, am I a woman? I have no idea how to figure that out.

I can't honestly look myself in the mirror right now and say that I am a female on the inside. But, the only reason I can look at myself, and honestly say that I am a male, is because I have the body of one. Said body which I want to be less and less male. I don't want to have the body of a male. I really don't.

but who do I have the mind of? that is what matters.

so much rambling.

So lately, pretty much 100% of the time when I'm not at work, I am thinking about this. Reading stuff on the internet, about voice, hair removal, hormones... thinking about potential conversations with family... thinking about what it would be like to have a GNO with my sister... on and on. I've gone through periods like this before... the last one was about 8 years ago. At that time, I had an electrolysis consult with AHA and talked to a couple of therapists... but never followed up. Guess I wasn't ready to. And now, I am so impatient. I want my facial hair off now. I want my next appt. with Martha to be now. I want to take my next TG step now. I want to (although I won't yet) start hormones now. I feel like I've wasted enough time in life... the more I read others' stories of where they were and where they are now, I see more and more parallels to myself. And it excites, and scares me a little bit, at the same time.

But then as I sit here watching the Yanks, and getting all pissed off because Mariano just made a critical error, which actually just happened as I was typing this, I think to myself, how can I be female? How do I even know what it means to be female? At times it seems preposterous. I wonder if I will ever experience that moment or revelation... when it becomes clear to me that I am supposed to do X, or Y. Or should I say XX/XY. :)

Speaking of hair removal, I was thinking that I'd go through this course of laser, which will be over around the beginning of April, and then maybe do E3000. I don't want to spend 3 years on facial hair removal.

I told my best female friend the other night, that I had attended a TG support group... she was fairly surprised... asked me if I wanted to be a girl. I told her that I just didn't know, but maybe. Her boyfriend was also there... he is a live and let live kind of guy, and he honestly wouldn't care one way or the other. I actually thought that Michelle might be a little more freaked out about it or something, but she wasn't. She was genuinely concerned about me. I had to laugh... she asked me if I wanted to have boobs, and I gave her an emphatic "yes." And that's the truth. I want 'em, I really do. We talked about it for a while... then we (yes, we) went to the bathroom, leaving Scott at the bar. I laughed and was like, "see, we're going to the bathroom together!" Well, we walked to the bathroom together, anyway.

How can I want to have breasts, and not know if I want to be a male or a female? What.Is.Up.With.That.

enough randomness for one night.

I had my first laser treatment this past Thursday... it wasn't as bad as I expected. I think the worst part was the anticipation of each pulse. To be certain, each pulse hurt, pretty sharp, like a pinpoint stabbing. But I got through it OK. The neat part (at least for tonight) is that the laser kind of vaporizes what hair is right under the skin, so I don't have a shadow right now! Love that. Gillian was great... didn't go too fast, took breaks when I needed to... am very glad I went to AHA.

What I wasn't prepared for or anticipating, was my reaction while I was driving home. I started thinking, "wow, I am really doing this..." and got all emotional. I bawled pretty much the whole way home, 45 mins. I kept getting this vision of my male self smiling and waving, and kind of fading away and it really got to me. I don't dislike him. He is funny, athletic, smart, a good person, albeit a little angry at times. If this goes where it might, I am sure I will mourn the loss of him... I think maybe I was doing a little of that tonight. Even when I typed that I got a little choked up. But I think the emotion validated what I am doing. I will be very interested to talk with my therapist about this.

And last night was the first support group meeting I've attended... MAGIC DC... I'm not sure what to make of it. Was mostly people who are a LOT further along in the process, and I didn't quite feel that I fit in. And much of it was very "heavy," and philosophical... a lot of very abstract talk about gender... and where I am right now isn't really that. Many seemed very serious, pensive... I know that being transgender is a serious thing, but I don't want to get "scared off." Fortunately, Dana came, a little late, and lightened things up a bit... she made one comment that it'd be good if people focused on positive things, which I loved hearing, but there wasn't much response from the group on it. I'll probably give it another chance though. Not so sure about going out to eat though, not at least until I am a little more comfortable with my appearance.

Perhaps TGEA might be a little more for me. The problem with TGEA is, that their meetings are on Saturday nights, and I have the kiddos every other weekend, so I'd pretty much be able to attend only half of the meetings. But that's not really a valid reason not to attend.

And lastly, my new wig. I finally got a wig... and it just doesn't feel all that natural to me right now. I took a couple pictures and it looks kind of cute, but I think I'll be more comfy in it when I have more of the beard off and have a little more makeup practice. The wig in and of itself didn't make me feel more like myself. Perhaps later. I'd just prefer to have my own hair, thank you very much. I haven't cut it in almost 2 months, which means it is.... all of an inch long now. *sigh*... I don't intend to cut it for a while, though. It'd be good if I could get it to the point where it was a little androngynous.

So I joined this website called PINKessence... kind of a Facebook for TG people. I'm not sure how much I like the site itself... lots of the posts are so philosophical... many are so negative... right now about this I seem more practical-minded than many of the people there. I will stick with it for a while. I enjoyed meeting Dana last week... need to be careful that as I explore, I do it at my pace. One thing a friend said to me in an email was. "... well, in two years they all (family and friends) will see you as you are meant to be seen..." whoa!! Getting ahead of ourselves there. I also picked a name, just to fit in on this site... Jennifer... don't know if it is me, or what... but I don't like doing things like picking a name, just to fit in.

I had an appointment last week for a wig... I found one I liked... we ordered it in another color, when it comes in I'll go pick one!! Am looking forward to putting it on, makeup, to see what it looks like... hopefully I will like what I see. Have an appointment tonight with Martha, Thursday is my first facial laser hair removal... Friday is a support group meeting. So hopefully a good week.

Had a consultation today for facial hair removal... down in Old Town. It went pretty well, and I think I am going to do it. We will be doing one treatment every six weeks, plus a free touchup around the lips/chin area three weeks after each main treatment. The total cost of the package is $1500, which seems reasonable from other checking around I've done. And we will supplement it with electrolysis... I have a consultation at another place on Monday which is a little closer... but I did feel pretty comfortable at AHA. I will weigh everything and pick one. It is going to be a long process.

After my consultation, I did a little shopping in Old Town... bought my first piece of "real" jewelry... a silver chain with a blue Labradorite pendant... I think it looks nice on. Loved the look of the chain laying against my skin. I can't do this very often, though. Money is going to be at a premium over the next few years, and I need to be smart.

Am meeting a TG friend today that my counselor introduced me to. Should be interesting.

Ha... so I just got my ears pierced a little over a week ago. My family doesn't know the real reason behind it, but I told them about it and they were all cool with it. In fact, today from my Mom in the mail, I got a pair of diamond studs that she doesn't wear too much anymore. I can't try them yet because I need to leave my original earrings in for two months, but that's pretty cool!!

So I've been cross-dressing in one way, shape, or form since about age 6... dressing in secret at home, or the occasional shopping trip in my version of "en femme" doesn't seem to be enough. I've accepted the fact that I am more than "just a crossdresser," but I don't know what that more is. So now at age 38 (!) I feel that I'm ready and willing to really explore it. Actually, it's not that I am willing to explore it... I really want to explore it! I got my ears pierced about a week ago... had an appointment with a gender therapist about a week ago, and I think the next step I will take is facial hair removal. I have a couple consultations scheduled with places in the area... will get an idea of cost, and hopefully pick one.

When I look back at my life, I don't think I've ever really been happy, or content. I've not been really unhappy... as I described to my therapist, I don't necessarily feel like a "woman trapped in a man's body," but I have always felt unsettled. All the things that I see as major problems or issues in my life... smoking, trouble with relationships, incurring lots of debt... this sometimes very angry side of me... I can trace it all back to this. I think that allowing myself to explore this in a healthy way will be a good thing for me.

Am I a woman? Am I a guy who likes to appear feminine? Am I neither? I really have no idea right now. But dressing in secret, participating in anonymous online forums, going out to the store or shopping while making no attempt to hide the fact I'm male, won't help me figure things out. I need to run with this for now and see where it goes... and deal with things as they come, or don't.