accept. embrace. live.

So lately, pretty much 100% of the time when I'm not at work, I am thinking about this. Reading stuff on the internet, about voice, hair removal, hormones... thinking about potential conversations with family... thinking about what it would be like to have a GNO with my sister... on and on. I've gone through periods like this before... the last one was about 8 years ago. At that time, I had an electrolysis consult with AHA and talked to a couple of therapists... but never followed up. Guess I wasn't ready to. And now, I am so impatient. I want my facial hair off now. I want my next appt. with Martha to be now. I want to take my next TG step now. I want to (although I won't yet) start hormones now. I feel like I've wasted enough time in life... the more I read others' stories of where they were and where they are now, I see more and more parallels to myself. And it excites, and scares me a little bit, at the same time.

But then as I sit here watching the Yanks, and getting all pissed off because Mariano just made a critical error, which actually just happened as I was typing this, I think to myself, how can I be female? How do I even know what it means to be female? At times it seems preposterous. I wonder if I will ever experience that moment or revelation... when it becomes clear to me that I am supposed to do X, or Y. Or should I say XX/XY. :)

Speaking of hair removal, I was thinking that I'd go through this course of laser, which will be over around the beginning of April, and then maybe do E3000. I don't want to spend 3 years on facial hair removal.

I told my best female friend the other night, that I had attended a TG support group... she was fairly surprised... asked me if I wanted to be a girl. I told her that I just didn't know, but maybe. Her boyfriend was also there... he is a live and let live kind of guy, and he honestly wouldn't care one way or the other. I actually thought that Michelle might be a little more freaked out about it or something, but she wasn't. She was genuinely concerned about me. I had to laugh... she asked me if I wanted to have boobs, and I gave her an emphatic "yes." And that's the truth. I want 'em, I really do. We talked about it for a while... then we (yes, we) went to the bathroom, leaving Scott at the bar. I laughed and was like, "see, we're going to the bathroom together!" Well, we walked to the bathroom together, anyway.

How can I want to have breasts, and not know if I want to be a male or a female? What.Is.Up.With.That.

enough randomness for one night.