accept. embrace. live.

I am online, a lot.  Too much, I think.  I go back and forth in my head about whether or not the Internet helps relationships, or hurts them.  On one hand, I've made many friends that I otherwise wouldn't have. The people whom I confide in most, are all, save one, people I've met online.  So in that respect, I've met and talked to many, many people I otherwise would not have.  I've made friends I otherwise would never have.  Overall, it (the Internet) is a good.  But it has its' detriments.  It allows one to fool herself into thinking she has more true friends than she really has.  It allows one to fool herself into thinking she is a better friend to people than she really is.  I've been an okay friend in the past.  In the past I wasn't the most giving/helpful person in the world.  There is lots I've learned about myself in the past year.  I've seen myself for who I was... basically an angry person who had a lot to offer, but it was buried.  I'm not using GID as an excuse for the way I was... it's simply something I need to work on.  And I am.

I was very much into triathlon before starting my transition.  Through a triathlon website, I met a lot of local people... we've all been friends for a couple years.  Since transition, I've lost my motivation to train.  I'm very much into transition, and they are very much into triathlon.  Both are noble things, and both are consuming in different ways.  Many of these relationships have degraded into online-only friendships.  I don't see the point in maintaining a solely online relationship with people who live 15 minutes from me.  I've sincerely tried to maintain the real-life part of these relationships.  I've attended a couple races and come to a couple of the local triathlon club events.  There are a few people to whom I've reached out to multiple times to get together outside of the context of triathlon, and I get excuses, or worse, no response at all.   I don't know how much it has to do with me being transgender... probably not that much actually, but it doesn't really matter.

I'm not reaching out to those who don't anymore... I'm not going to fixate and stress on this person or that person... if I want to expend negative energy and stress, I have plenty of other subjects to worry about ... gender change, kids, divorce, maintaining family relationships, the financial mess I find myself in, etc.  The more time I spend as myself (outside of work, basically all of it), the less desire I have to spend so much time online, nurturing "relationships" that used to be real-life, but now solely consist of 0's and 1's.  I will lose contact with some people, but I want real-life friends...  not to be on the "Most Commented Blogs" on some triathlon website.  I want to connect with people in real and meaningful ways.

It's too bad.  I was part of a fun group of people who shared a common interest.  I don't share that interest anymore.  That's life.  People come and go.  You have more in common with some people at certain points, and less in common at later points.  That's a fact of life.  What sucks, is thinking that you had more in common with some of them than you really did.  It doesn't make you or them bad people... you're just more different than you once thought.  So you move on, and nurture the relationships that you're fortunate enough to have.  And try to find your niche.

P.S.  And then, of course, there are always new friends....