accept. embrace. live.

The weekend started out nicely... Friday evening our congregation held a "jazz poetry slam," where poets read their poems over light jazz, drinks, snacks, etc. Bill was there and he and I hung out together all evening. We were the last two to leave, chatted in the parking lot after everyone else had gone. Very nice evening. Sunday after the service, we had our annual meeting, at which we were going to elect a new Board of Trustees, yours truly was "running" for Secretary. I put "running" in quotes because there is always only one candidate for each seat. So the election is just a formality.

So I got to church Sunday morning, chatted with Bill and a couple other people before the service. Bill told me about the art festival and concert he went to on Saturday. I had a fleeting thought that maybe he didn't have room in his life for another person, not sure why. Anyway, I then went in to sit down. Bill followed a couple minutes later. I was sitting alone about three seats from the aisle, and Bill was standing outside my row, talking to someone. I thought he was going to come and sit next to me. But he didn't; after he finished chatting, he continued up a couple rows from me and sat down, also by himself.  Now, we're not together, nothing like that... to be fair, there shouldn't be any expectation on my part that he come sit next to me. Him not sitting next to me should not have thrown me into a tailspin. But, it did. I don't know why it did.

All of a sudden, I felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness and sadness. I just felt very alone. So much in fact that I had to get up and leave halfway through the service because I was going to start crying. Thoughts running through my head like "you're always going to be alone... people are only placating the tranny because it's the politically-correct thing to do... but face it, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life... Bill is just being a nice guy to you just like he is to everyone else... you are not special... he most definitely does *not* have room in his life for you..." mostly over-the-top and irrational stuff. Nonetheless, there it was. I went out for a drive, trying to pull myself together before I had to be back for the annual meeting in about an hour. I was fully aware, from an intellectual perspective, that my reaction to this was *not* normal, and that I was being way over the top. But what could I do? Feelings are feelings, rational or not, and you never know when they are going to percolate. I cried a bit, sort of got it together, came back to church for the meeting. Bill and one other person asked me if I was OK, but I didn't answer; I just went in and sat down. I still had quite a few tears in my eyes but I had to get through this meeting.

The part of the meeting where they announce the Board candidates came... They introduce a candidate, who says a couple words about him/herself, and they do that for each candidate. The first two candidates, for President and Vice President, were announced, and each received applause after their names were said. The candidate for Secretary, me, was announced, and there was no applause. Not even one single solitary clap. I felt embarrassed and mortified. I offered up some platitude and sat down. The candidates for the other seats were announced and each received applause. But there was none for me. And all the irrational thoughts I had before came flooding back, but this time they were bolstered with this no-applause thing, which made them feel a little less irrational, and the wheels totally fell off.

I left the meeting, went to 7-11, got some beer, and drove around for a couple hours, listening to "Both Sides Now" over and over while bawling. Came home in the afternoon and took a nap. Then went to see my kids perform in "Creation Sensation" at my ex-spouse's megachurch. Felt very lonely and sad after that was over. A second trip to 7-11, more driving and worse crying, this time listening to "Goodbye Love" from RENT over and over. A couple times I had to pull the car over because I literally could not see through all those damn tears. But I did not want to go home, so I kept driving around aimlessly. I don't know when I've cried so much as I did yesterday. It was a pretty awful day. I passed out on the couch around 8:00 PM and woke up around 3. I'm still feeling sad.

What I'm trying to figure out is why this all affected me the way it did. It shouldn't have; it really shouldn't have. It concerns me on a few levels. I'm nowhere near as secure as I had thought or hoped. And I'm very worried about how I will react if this Bill thing doesn't work out, as it is far from a done deal.

So that was yesterday. Today I feel sad, and sick... I guess that is what happens when one's diet the day before consists of a hard-boiled egg and banana for breakfast, and 10 beers (spread out over 7 hours, mind you). I just want to go back to sleep. Hopefully I will handle these sorts of things better in the future.