accept. embrace. live.

One thing I've wondered about, going through transition, is how cisgender females will relate to me.  How will making new friends go?  I had a new experience a little over a week ago, at a gathering my friend had, where there were a few women there that I hadn't met before.  I felt uncomfortable standing in a group of women, feeling like I was pretending to be one of them.  I mentioned my kids, and feared being asked about a pregnancy.  I feared being asked about my spouse.  I feared my voice.  Fear fear fear.  It got to me and I couldn't deal with it, so I found an excuse to tell them that I was trans.  Most looked very surprised, one didn't.  I felt like I totally copped out.  I have to give myself a break on this... it's all so new.  I have no experience at this.  On the other hand, I don't like feeling like I am lying to people, or living a lie.  At this point, I'd rather people know that I was a transsexual.  At least I can be honest then.  I mean, what's the point of making a friendship that is based on a lie?  And what will happen to the friendship when the lie unravels... which it most certainly will.

Speaking of friends, I might have this new friend.  She's a woman that I've known for a little over a year.  We have a great rapport, and have shared quite a bit with each other.  I always thought we had the potential to be friends.  However, it wouldn't have been appropriate for us to socialize outside of the normal context in which we see each other.  Sorry to be so vague. And no, she's NOT my therapist.  Anyway, as things turned out, to hell with appropriateness, we ended up going out for a drink a couple weeks ago... which turned into a few drinks, dinner, and dessert.  We had a blast, crossed a bridge of sorts.  I was very excited that I had made a new friend... a new, real friend!  Wow, perhaps I *can* make new friends.  I will be OK!!  It's weird... I was almost giddy about it, like the way one might be giddy at the beginning of a romantic relationship.  Although there is absolutely nothing romantic on either one of our parts, nothing.  I was simply thrilled to have made a new friend.  Relationships with cisgender women are precious to women like me.

I saw her this evening in our typical context, and it was kind of back to feeling normal.  The way that she interacted with me felt like we really weren't friends after all.  I said something about going out again, and the response wasn't quite as enthusiastic as I might have hoped.  I felt like a child who was asking his or her parent, "Mommy, Mommy, can we go to (fill in the blank)?"  "Well, OK, we can."  That's exactly what it felt like.  I felt embarrassed for suggesting that we go out again.  Not so fast, missy. You're not really friends.  You're not anything special.  You have *NOT* made a new friend, I told myself.  When it was time to leave, I was absolutely devastated.  I cried harder and longer on the 45-minute drive home, than I can recall crying in a long time.  I started questioning everything again... why am I doing this, what is the point of all this, no one will ever be friends with me out of anything other than pity or curiosity, I am enduring all this physical pain for what?, people at work are polite to me only because they have to be, I won't be OK, the rest of my life is going to suck, and fleeting *very bad* thoughts, on and on and on.

I calmed down a little bit when I got home.  I am pretty certain that I overreacted tonight. Just the same, I think I am going to follow this person's lead with our friendship and see where it goes.  Just because someone doesn't jump up and down with clapping hands when you suggest going out, doesn't necessarily mean anything.  But, I was hoping for a little more.  I was hoping that this person might end up being a friend that I so want... a friend with whom I don't need to schedule things weeks in advance... a friend with whom conversations consist of things other than "catching up," a friend that I'm truly close with for no other reason then our intangible connection.

Whatever happens, I need to remember that this year is not necessarily going to be a microcosm of the rest of my life.  I need to keep some semblance of perspective on things.  I have to remember that I am just taking my first few tenuous steps on this journey.  I also need to find some ways to meet new people.  People who know nothing about my history.  Even if only for practice.