accept. embrace. live.

Was on another site this morning, where someone had posted a link to a news article where a boy did something unspeakable to a young girl, and the boy's father then did something unspeakable to the boy. I read the vitrolic comments posted to the thread, and felt tired. This news story made me feel nothing but sadness for all parties involved in the situation, and made me wonder what all the posters to the thread were gaining, by expressing such anger about it.

I started thinking about this feeling of tiredness I got from reading those angry posts, and anger in general. I think it is fair to say, that I've been an angry person most of my life. I can recall many moments where reacted to things in a very over-the-top, angry way. I recall an old boss at work asking me, "why are you always so ANGRY?" I'm going through a divorce, and have been carrying around a lot of anger about her, things she's done or not done, etc., for the past year and a half, at least. I am tired of being angry with my STBX. It doesn't do me, nor the children, nor her, any good. I'm tired of anger, in general.

I never really connected it to anything gender-related, until recently. It's not that I think of anger as a masculine thing, that I am letting go of because I am exploring the feminine. Anger is neither a masculine nor a feminine trait, to me.

For me, what it is all about, is the built-up anger of having an imbalanced body and brain for 30+ years. It builds and builds inside you, eating away at you, although you don't even realize it. And then your aunt contradicts you on something you asked the kids to do, in front of the kids, and you explode at her, in front of the entire family... exacerbating the situation, embarrassing yourself. and doing nothing whatsoever to make you feel any better. I remember being so enraged and worked-up over this, that my hands were literally shaking.

Now that I am exploring gender in a healthy way, and allowing myself to be myself, it is affording me the opportunity to let all that anger go. It is a wonderful feeling/realization to have. To be certain, I'm sure I will have my moments, as one doesn't change from an angry person to a calm, level-headed person overnight... but as my brain and my body get closer to that elusive balance I seek, those moments of rage will dissipate.