accept. embrace. live.

I sent this email out to about 35 of my friends the other day. 10 of the people I had already told in privately. So far I've heard back from over 90% of the people who didn't previously know... all positive and supportive responses. People seemed very appreciative that I chose to share this with the. Granted, acceptance of an email is different than how they'll feel when they see me as me, but this is a good start.

So to be certain, there are hard times ahead, but the response I've got to this, helps me feel optimistic about the future. I'm putting it out here because I used bits and pieces of other coming-out letters I've read, and maybe this will help someone. I also worked on it with my therapist, which is important.

Hi everyone,

I have something that I need to tell you all. I've been dropping hints in my blog here and there about this thing I've been dealing with for my whole life. It is to the point where I feel false and fake around my friends, to the point where I don't even want to be around. You're all important to me, which is why I need to tell you. I've been dealing with this in various ways since I was about age 6... I've made a decision, and it's time to come out.

Not in the way you're probably thinking, when you read "come out." I'm not gay. What I am, is transgender. This isn't some strange sexual thing, I'm not a crossdresser, or drag queen. I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder... meaning my internal (brain) gender is in conflict with my outward appearance & physical biology. It is about gender conflict, rather than sexual orientation. In short - I have a female brain and a male body. The part of me that makes me "me," is female. I am female. I have tried for 20+ years to make my gender match my body - with no success. I've been working with a gender therapist for months now, and I have decided that the only way to achieve balance, is to make my body match my gender... be myself.

So, I'm starting the process of making my physical appearance & biology female. Obviously the people who see me have noticed my earrings, and probably that my hair is longer. I'm getting my beard removed via laser and electrolysis (ouch! you have NO idea!! seriously.), have started hormone replacement therapy, and am taking voice lessons. I've been attending support groups and making friends in the TG community. I've been working with my therapist and others who have been down this road, to introduce this to my kids in a way that will cause them as little confusion as possible, and ensure that they stay the happy, confident children that they are.

I have been acting for my whole life - putting up a male facade, although I didn't quite realize it. These days, I am very aware and conscious of the fact that I am acting, and it's not a good feeling. My only choice is to be honest and open with the people I care about, and with myself about who I am. Over the coming months, people will notice changes, as the beard goes away, and the hormones do their stuff. It's not like the next time you see me, I'll be in a wig and look female, but over time, people will gradually see more and more of the true me, both in my behavior and appearance. I am excited to not have to hide anymore.

I am out to a couple of friends already... but it is time for me to stop asking them to keep my secret... it is not fair to them, and time for me to stop keeping my secret. I am not out at work, nor with family... that will come as I approach my goal of living my life full-time as me... a woman. I don't have a problem with you sharing this with others. I do need to be careful re: work and family right now.

If anyone wants to ask me any questions, anything at all, any honest questions will be answered honestly... anything. I am more than happy to talk about it. It is very freeing to me to be able to finally talk about this after 30 years of hiding, and I really do welcome questions... email me, whatever. I have a sense of humor about this... it's ok if you do as well.

My new name will be Faline... Faline Allyn. I don't expect people to seamlessly transition into calling me my new name instead of ***, especially since I am not presenting as female 100% of the time yet, but it would be helpful if people tried. I'm a lot happier with this decision made, less moody. I am more of a helpful and kind person than I used to be and am more at peace. I like myself a lot this way, and am confident that you will too.

Love,
Faline ;)