I've been separated for almost 2 years. When I first separated, my mother and sister were really, really anti-my wife. Every word I got from them after I separated was that I should leave, that I won't be happy with her, that she was too controlling. I believe that I allowed them to influence me to leave, I feel that I allowed them to push me into it, before I was ready. I've always thought that, and still do. And now here we are over 2 years later, and I'm to give a deposition to an attorney on Tuesday which will be filed with the court, and things will be final shortly thereafter.
Fast-forward to a few months ago when I was in therapy... I used the phrase "if I transition" and my therapist jumped in and said "you mean when you transition," and I asked her what she meant. She said that she thought I was going to transition someday. I remember thinking to myself, "wow, here is this person who has worked with hundreds of trans people, and she's telling me this." Kind of "she must be right" thing. And that was the turning point, once again I was pushed into something major, by a strong woman, probably before I was ready to. The more I think about it, the more I think that was a really bad thing for her to say.
Last night I went and talked to my STBX about my gender issues... fully disclosed it for the first time, laid it all out to her. Her reaction at first was to be scared for the children, but then it changed to being scared for me. Scared for me because she's afraid that I'm not doing the right thing... scared because she thinks I am fooling myself, that I am searching for something amorphous, and I think that gender transition is "it." She believes me to be a "lost soul." There are parts of me that somewhat believe her. I'm certain that she does not believe transition is for me, and I'm certain that she wants me to stay and not give this deposition on Tuesday. I left that talk last night questioning everything. A third case of a strong woman pushing me in a different direction, again on something major.
There is obviously a pattern here.
So now that I've recognized this, I have no idea what to do. I don't know if I should postpone/cancel this deposition... try and work on things with my wife... what to do about transition, etc. I know that I need to figure this out for myself and stop allowing myself to be manipulated by the women in my life. But I don't think I trust myself to do this. what is my answer, what is my end-all. I have no idea, right now. I'm a lot weaker than I care to admit.
today is one of those days where I am looking at my life, and wondering "how the f*** did I get here."
Posted by
Faline
1 comments:
I recognize the pattern. For me, my mother and my wife. They nearly ripped me apart emotionally when I was trying to leave home at 18. I spent a week getting pulled two directions, ultimately slipping away with my future wife, leaving a note for the folks. I should've seen the writing on the wall, as I've been led around by her ever since.
I agree that your therapist should not have shared that thought, even if she believed it to be the truth. That is an epiphany that you need to have for yourself, not have it handed to you. You didn't get to that point on your own, and now you're confused.
Are there consequences to putting off the deposition? It seems you have thinking to do that shouldn't be rushed by a deadline.
BTW, I think that knowing you are confused and admitting it, dropping back to make sure you're doing the right thing, is a sign of strength, not weakness. Good luck.
Post a Comment