I've been separated for almost 2 years. When I first separated, my mother and sister were really, really anti-my wife. Every word I got from them after I separated was that I should leave, that I won't be happy with her, that she was too controlling. I believe that I allowed them to influence me to leave, I feel that I allowed them to push me into it, before I was ready. I've always thought that, and still do. And now here we are over 2 years later, and I'm to give a deposition to an attorney on Tuesday which will be filed with the court, and things will be final shortly thereafter.
Fast-forward to a few months ago when I was in therapy... I used the phrase "if I transition" and my therapist jumped in and said "you mean when you transition," and I asked her what she meant. She said that she thought I was going to transition someday. I remember thinking to myself, "wow, here is this person who has worked with hundreds of trans people, and she's telling me this." Kind of "she must be right" thing. And that was the turning point, once again I was pushed into something major, by a strong woman, probably before I was ready to. The more I think about it, the more I think that was a really bad thing for her to say.
Last night I went and talked to my STBX about my gender issues... fully disclosed it for the first time, laid it all out to her. Her reaction at first was to be scared for the children, but then it changed to being scared for me. Scared for me because she's afraid that I'm not doing the right thing... scared because she thinks I am fooling myself, that I am searching for something amorphous, and I think that gender transition is "it." She believes me to be a "lost soul." There are parts of me that somewhat believe her. I'm certain that she does not believe transition is for me, and I'm certain that she wants me to stay and not give this deposition on Tuesday. I left that talk last night questioning everything. A third case of a strong woman pushing me in a different direction, again on something major.
There is obviously a pattern here.
So now that I've recognized this, I have no idea what to do. I don't know if I should postpone/cancel this deposition... try and work on things with my wife... what to do about transition, etc. I know that I need to figure this out for myself and stop allowing myself to be manipulated by the women in my life. But I don't think I trust myself to do this. what is my answer, what is my end-all. I have no idea, right now. I'm a lot weaker than I care to admit.
today is one of those days where I am looking at my life, and wondering "how the f*** did I get here."
I picked up my prescriptions today, and will start tomorrow. I decided not to clutter up this blog with the minutia of HRT, but I did want to record it for myself, and perhaps others who might stumble onto it, so I created another blog with the really creative name of "My HRT Diary." Over there, I'll update it weekly or so, how I'm feeling, how I've grown to a DD cup (haha!), etc. 5/29/10 update: I've since removed this blog. Sounded like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty excited about starting!! I was driving to the pharmacy this afternoon and felt really, really happy. Like opening the car windows, blasting Lady Gaga, singing-out-the-windows happy. Then I had voice therapy... went downtown on the Metro as me... rode a very crowded train back.
So things are good, but I am a little nervous about voice therapy and my job... I need to leave work at 2 every Tuesday for this, and I got the impression over emails, that the project manager is not thrilled. Of course he thinks it is for something else. I don't know what else I can do, though. I told him I'd come in at 7 on Tuesdays, and work a little from home in the evening, to get the hours in. I feel like my life outsife of work and the kids is spent driving to and from TG-related appointments.
I'm starting HRT tomorrow. :) I'm working with an endocrinologist in Rockville... we are starting out at:
- 100 mg spironolactone daily
- 1.25 mg Premarin daily
As well as measurements... being the dork that I am, I have a little spreadsheet with a bunch of things to keep track of... weight, hips, waist, over/underbust, etc.
Should be an interesting ride. I felt somewhat euphoric when I was driving to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up my prescriptions. Have wanted this for 20 years, and now it's here!
:)
I sent this email out to about 35 of my friends the other day. 10 of the people I had already told in privately. So far I've heard back from over 90% of the people who didn't previously know... all positive and supportive responses. People seemed very appreciative that I chose to share this with the. Granted, acceptance of an email is different than how they'll feel when they see me as me, but this is a good start.
So to be certain, there are hard times ahead, but the response I've got to this, helps me feel optimistic about the future. I'm putting it out here because I used bits and pieces of other coming-out letters I've read, and maybe this will help someone. I also worked on it with my therapist, which is important.
Hi everyone,
I have something that I need to tell you all. I've been dropping hints in my blog here and there about this thing I've been dealing with for my whole life. It is to the point where I feel false and fake around my friends, to the point where I don't even want to be around. You're all important to me, which is why I need to tell you. I've been dealing with this in various ways since I was about age 6... I've made a decision, and it's time to come out.
Not in the way you're probably thinking, when you read "come out." I'm not gay. What I am, is transgender. This isn't some strange sexual thing, I'm not a crossdresser, or drag queen. I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder... meaning my internal (brain) gender is in conflict with my outward appearance & physical biology. It is about gender conflict, rather than sexual orientation. In short - I have a female brain and a male body. The part of me that makes me "me," is female. I am female. I have tried for 20+ years to make my gender match my body - with no success. I've been working with a gender therapist for months now, and I have decided that the only way to achieve balance, is to make my body match my gender... be myself.
So, I'm starting the process of making my physical appearance & biology female. Obviously the people who see me have noticed my earrings, and probably that my hair is longer. I'm getting my beard removed via laser and electrolysis (ouch! you have NO idea!! seriously.), have started hormone replacement therapy, and am taking voice lessons. I've been attending support groups and making friends in the TG community. I've been working with my therapist and others who have been down this road, to introduce this to my kids in a way that will cause them as little confusion as possible, and ensure that they stay the happy, confident children that they are.
I have been acting for my whole life - putting up a male facade, although I didn't quite realize it. These days, I am very aware and conscious of the fact that I am acting, and it's not a good feeling. My only choice is to be honest and open with the people I care about, and with myself about who I am. Over the coming months, people will notice changes, as the beard goes away, and the hormones do their stuff. It's not like the next time you see me, I'll be in a wig and look female, but over time, people will gradually see more and more of the true me, both in my behavior and appearance. I am excited to not have to hide anymore.
I am out to a couple of friends already... but it is time for me to stop asking them to keep my secret... it is not fair to them, and time for me to stop keeping my secret. I am not out at work, nor with family... that will come as I approach my goal of living my life full-time as me... a woman. I don't have a problem with you sharing this with others. I do need to be careful re: work and family right now.
If anyone wants to ask me any questions, anything at all, any honest questions will be answered honestly... anything. I am more than happy to talk about it. It is very freeing to me to be able to finally talk about this after 30 years of hiding, and I really do welcome questions... email me, whatever. I have a sense of humor about this... it's ok if you do as well.
My new name will be Faline... Faline Allyn. I don't expect people to seamlessly transition into calling me my new name instead of ***, especially since I am not presenting as female 100% of the time yet, but it would be helpful if people tried. I'm a lot happier with this decision made, less moody. I am more of a helpful and kind person than I used to be and am more at peace. I like myself a lot this way, and am confident that you will too.
Love,
Faline ;)
I started at the GW voice clinic today... I live out on the burbs, so the best way to get downtown for me, is via Metro. It's helpful to come to the clinic in role, and I had the day off and time to get ready, so I went as me. I thought it would be a big deal... Faline's first time on the Metro. But, it wasn't. I need to stop being surprised by this! Took the Metro down there, walked the 4 blocks to GW, without incident, without looks, etc. I don't know if it is that I look good, or people just don't care, or what... I guess a little of both. At any rate, I didn't sense that I got read.
The girls at the clinic were very nice... they are used to TG people coming in, they're happy to help. Finished up the appointment, back on the Metro to my car, and I didn't feel like going home yet. So I went to the mall... tried a few things at Macy's and Penneys, but didn't buy anything. Which is good... I need to learn more about what looks good on me before I start buying tons of crap. :)
Then I got my eyebrows threaded... very cool. First time I've tried that. The woman at the spa suggested threading instead of waxing. I'd heard about it but never tried it. So I thought, ok, let's try it. It hurt a little bit, but not much, certainly no more than waxing, and afterwards you don't have the redness around your brows that screams to everyone, "I JUST GOT MY EYEBROWS WAXED!!" Then I stopped at the grocery store to get a couple things for the kids, and now it is laundry time. Yay! Anyway, today was a good day.
