accept. embrace. live.

So yesterday I fretted and hemmed and hawed all day about how I was going to present at back-to-school night.  Had myself so worked up and panicky about it, that I was in tears a couple of times.  In the end, I decided that since there's a good chance I'll be full-time by the end of the school year, I need to present as female... I don't need S's teachers wondering if a woman or a female crossdresser will show up.  (haha!)

So I got home from work and shaved, dressed, put on just a touch of makeup, played around with my hair a bit... and I looked like total crap.  My hair hasn't been cut in a year (we are taking care of that in 8 days), my skin, while hair-free, is bumpy from all the hair that used to be there, and I had these big old dark circles under my eyes, presumably from not sleeping much the night before, worrying about this.  And I was sweating bullets, since it was in the high 90s today, and I have the air conditioner off during the day.  Quite the hot mess, was I.  Decided to make a couple stops before school, to see if I got read.  A warm-up, if you will.  Stopped at Starbucks... kind of a side story here.  I stop at this Starbucks fairly regularly.  The woman working there saw me and smiled and asked me how I had been, since it had been a while since I was in there last.  The funny thing is, that I've never presented as female there before.  She recognized me and didn't show the slightest hint of surprise or "omg!" or anything.  I thought that was interesting.  But I digress.

Pulled into the parking lot at the school, and felt very nervous.... this is where things start getting real.  I've spent hundreds of nights alone at home, shamefully dressing, and now, I am about to walk into a public school, sporting a purse, boobs, etc.  Crazy, when I think about it in those terms.  I walked into an auditorium full of parents... I held my hand out and it was shaking badly.  I found a spot with open seats on either side and sat down, wondering when I was going to get that look of shocked, wide-eyed recognition from some parent, wondering what this freak was doing at her child's school, because, you know, we are all just a bunch of perverts.  A woman sat down next to me.  And got right back up.  Crap.  Oh, wait.  She is squinting and we are quite a few rows back.  Ok, ok, chill out... calm down.  Another woman came and sat next to me, and smiled at me.  Ok, maybe you are passing.  I started feeling more comfortable and allowed myself a small  smile.

The principal gave her spiel, and dismissed us (yes, she actually said "Parents, you are dismissed") to the classrooms.  I went over and introduced myself... we had spoken on the phone a week prior, to make her and S's teachers aware of our alternate situation.  She was friendly.  I got to S's classroom and we all had to sit around little tables.  I sat at a table with three other Moms... they just gave me a typical smile that women give to each other.  Felt much, much better.  I introduced myself to S's teachers, got her little packet, teachers were totally normal and friendly.  If they realized I was the TG parent, they didn't let on.  Mrs. Z gave her talk, and that was it.  I didn't get looks from anyone.  Not even from this couple who is good friends with my ex-wife.  The wife looked right at me and did not recognize me.

You would think... that by this point, I would stop panicking about these situations.  Literally 100% of the time so far, when I've panicked about something like this, it was unwarranted.  This was a bit different, though.  I've been in this protective bubble of friends, family, and strangers that I don't need to be concerned about seeing again.  Presenting at school as me is different, for obvious reasons.  It's a big step.  This school year, while I am part-time, I am going to keep a low profile at school.  Once I am full-time, though, that will change.  I am going to be an involved parent.  Of course, there is worry-wart potential, when other parents actually realize that one of the kindergarten parents is transgender.  I am going to try not to worry too much about that.  I cannot control how people react, or what preconceptions or prejudices they have.  What I can do, is live an upstanding life and be a great parent.  That's the sort of thing that helps erase such prejudices.  I intend to do my best to erase them, and show people that don't understand us, that we are not much different.