accept. embrace. live.

On BT, each member has her or his own training log, visible to other members. Mostly, people record and discuss their training in their logs, and some people (like me) talk about life stuff. You can leave a member what is called an "inspire," a little message to them, a comment on their training, etc. We also have a "friends list," people on the site who mean something to you, in one way or another. Around a year and a half ago, there was a rather beloved member of the site, Bunnyrunner, who was in the last stages of battling with cancer, a fight that had gone on for years. Her husband Klondike was helping with log updates to let our community know how she was doing, and reading her inspires to her. I hadn't interacted with her or him too much prior, but had kept a watchful eye on her log.

One day, when the end was imminent, I came to her log to leave an inspire. I felt small... what could I possibly say that might give them some comfort? I couldn't comprehend what they were going through; any words of mine seemed woefully inadequate and insignificant. Bunnyrunner and Klondike had recently married... I remembered being inspired by their optimism and hope, marrying when they likely had so little time together. I left a succinct inspire expressing my admiration for their love. A couple days later, after she had lost her battle, I came back to her log. I saw that I had been added to her friends list. I smiled through a tear. Not because I was on someone else's friends list; rather, because perhaps my words had given them some small measure of comfort, at a time when it was needed most.

I've been in a not-so-great mental place the last few days. I'll essentially be full-time after work today and while it's not sad, I feel incredibly emotional. My kids will be seeing me in male clothes for the last time this morning, when I drop them at school. This afternoon, I'll have a meeting with my project team to tell them that I am transgender, and that I'll be taking Thursday and Friday off, and coming to work as myself on Monday. I'm not nervous or scared about work. It's more the enormity of the rest of my life laid out before me. It's the impact that this change has on my children, and all my relationships. It's the somewhat audacious idea that I'm going to live the rest of my life as a female. The rest of my life. It's been a lot to take in. My last couple log entries have been somewhat "down." But then....

... yesterday, a friend reminded me of Terri. Terri fought valiantly. She faced her struggles with optimism and a smile. She signed up for races and lived her life on her terms as best she could. I thought of her, and went back over her log. I read lots of it... and was reminded that just as she did, I need to live *my* life on *my* terms, and fight. So now, at a time when *I* need it most, once again she makes me smile through a tear. A tear which evaporates, and a smile which transforms to a look of firm resolve. She reminds me to face my future with optimism... to fight!!, in those moments when it would be all too easy to cower in fear of the challenges of the future and lament the losses of the past.

The hell with that. I have a life to live. So watch out, rest of my life. Grrrrrrrr!!! Here I come. Deal with it.

Thank you, Terri. You continue to inspire and you always will.