I've tried to write about this before, and usually it ends up being a rambling mess. So here's my apology for the rambling mess which is certain to follow.
I have moments where I feel very disconnected from myself. Like I am stepping back and watching with morbid fascination as someone else goes through this process. At times this all feels surreal... am I really *doing* this? As if at some point I am going to wake up and this phase-I'm-going-through will be over. Of course, it's not a phase, and it won't be over.
My friend Suzanne captured this feeling much better than I could have in her blog...
"Once in a while, though, I get a sudden feeling like I'm being yanked out of a dream. What the hell am I doing? I actually changed my name... legally... to "Suzanne". What are you doing? You hate surgery. You're terrified of surgery. And you're going to voluntarily have very painful surgery... on your genitals? Seriously, what the fuck? Wake up, Scott. Get a grip on yourself.
I don't like that feeling at all. I strongly prefer the dream, if that's even what it is. It only feels like a dream when I snap out of it. But it's not a dream and I think everyone has these feelings sometimes. I don't think your life ever really feels like it's completely real or your own if you look at it from a distance. Sometimes you're going to take a step back and things about it will seem strange and disconnected from what you thought it would be, even if you're following your heart. Whatever choices you made along the way, sometimes you're going to doubt those decisions, even if they were the right choice."
I know that I making the right decisions, if in fact they are decisions, but I do question them sometimes. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day, and saw a cute woman looking back at me. I wondered what her life would be like in 10 or 20 years. I wondered if she would look back and think, "What was I thinking?" As I continued looking in the mirror, it occurred to me that her concerns were the same concerns of any female middle-aged divorced parent... would her kids be OK? would she be alone? happy in her career? respected? have lots of friends? None of my concerns or worries are specific to being transsexual. Sure, perhaps they might be exacerbated, but at the end of the day, I'm not all that different from anyone else.
I continue to have moments where I will temporarily get down on myself for stupid things. And at first, I'll think they're about being transsexual, but they're not. For example, it is freaking cold here right now. And I don't have too many warm clothes. So I went shopping last night. Lately, shopping is an absolute exercise in frustration. I have no idea what I am doing; in fact, I feel like I have less of a clue now than I did a few months ago. I tried things on in 5 stores, and bought nothing. I tried a friend's trick of going and finding everything that's on the mannequin and trying that on. But guess what? I'm not the mannequin! :) I don't think that anyone is the mannequin. Then I got home and made the egregious mistake of weighing myself, and I have gained 6 pounds. Wah wah wah. Put head in hands, sulk, pout, have glass of wine. Again, none of that is specific to being transsexual. It's fair to say that it's a little more difficult to find clothes that work, but these are the same problems as any other woman who feels clueless and intimidated by the perfect and unrealistic images of women in the media. And the mannequins. :P
So what I should be saying, is, yay! Look at you, girl! You have the same perceived problems that any other woman does! Welcome to the sisterhood, you've arrived! This is what you signed up for! Back to the point of the post... the self-questioning... my truth is that facing the issues that women face, however frustrating they can be, feels right for me. One person tried to dissuade me from transitioning by pointing out how much more difficult life will be, as men have it so much easier. Well, sure they do, but it doesn't matter. If you understand what it means to be transsexual, none of that matters. I really need to cease and desist with the second-guessing. Seriously. Enough is enough. Stop it. I'm tiring of it.
Posted by
Faline
4 comments:
You're friends with Suzanne! Wow, there are connections everywhere in our little universe. :)
You (and Suzy) show how different this process is for each of us. I had felt disconnected from myself all my life. I called it the "third-person observer." It was good for writing, but not so much for living. When I realized I was transsexual, I started to feel much more connected. Maybe you are still getting there.
Nice baskets!
I totally get this feeling too sometimes! I thikn the first time it happened was my 2nd time at Zumba....I felt like wow, I'm really here with all these women, dancing/exercising together. Between that and the inspirational music I had tears come to my eyes.
It does feel like a dream sometimes. One I never want to wake up from =)
Well, I think you're doing great and well, what you described seems like normal woman moments to me!
LOVE the baskets. Very thoughtful.
Sometimes the mannequin trick doesn't work. But when it does... it's fabulous. :)
You will be fine. You sound PMS-ish to me. ;)
xxoo LW
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