I'm overwhelmed. There are so many things that I feel I need to be doing and they're piling up. At least with me, when things pile up, the pile gets even more intimidating and overwhelming, and the pile grows. I suppose that's how people end up on "Hoarders." I don't have a bunch of junk lying around my townhouse; it's mostly in my mind.
Personally, there are about a bazillion things I need to work on. Start exercising and quit smoking... get in shape for surgery. (Finally) work on my voice. Get my townhouse the way I want it. Encourage my kids to use something other than "Daddy." I was OK with it for a while; now, I'm not. Decide whether or not I'll have BA when I have SRS (probably). The whole "make new friends" thing. Thank God I'm not dating right now... that would be more pressure I just don't need. Try to keep the $48,000 of debt I've accumulated in the three years I've been supporting two households from getting larger... five more months to go before alimony is over.
At work, there's this expectation that now that I've transitioned, I'll become a more complete and involved employee. At my company, you're expected to "network" and "reach out" and one's job consists of a lot more than writing software. The networking part is not easy for me. I've taken on a few new things at work but now I'm afraid I've taken on too much, and I feel myself wanting to shut down.
And of course there's transition itself, and just getting used to life as a woman. Right now, I need my roots done, a pedicure, my eyebrows are a mess, there are various places on my bod that need epilation, I have no clue how to take care of my hair, my right eyelid has been twitching for the past couple of days, and I don't have enough clothes for work. Then there's all this loneliness stuff that I've written about before. We're still doing 1 to 2 hours of electrolysis a week and there's no end in sight. I have so much on my mind right now that I forgot to take my hormones... twice!... last week. I've not forgotten my hormones once in over a year and now I'm forgetting them twice in one week.
Maybe the biggest thing of all is that I'm unable at the moment to forgive myself for how I left my family when we separated. Things were awful between my wife and I when we had our G., our second, and we didn't last very long after I was born. I feel like I abandoned them, and him (G), and now sometimes when I look at him, I feel like I'm abandoning him again. There are times that it's hard for me to look at his picture without crying. I suppose to some extent I keep beating myself up about this because on some level, I deserve it.
The signal-to-noise ratio in my brain is very small these days. If I attempt to sit and think, my thoughts are best described as a loud din. I'm having trouble separating and prioritizing things and it's getting to me; I'm feeling paralyzed. Last week, I had four out-and-out bawling meltdowns; two of them could be explained, two of them I had no idea why. I'm fighting off I had another one this morning.
Some say that you never really stop transitioning. I hope that's not the case. I want this over with. If it's true that you never stop transitioning, I won't make it.
Posted by
Faline
5 comments:
I'm probably not on your "favorites" list, but can I suggest you visit a therapist?
Not to put words or ideas where they don't belong, it really sounds like you feel you've got yourself tied up in quite a Gordian knot! That's not good and it's certainly not healthy. Unfortunately, there's no "toughing" it out (I've never been where you are, but I think I've visited a similar neighborhood.) I found that chatting to a dispassionate outsider, one who has the proper training and so on, can really help you prioritize and sort through all the conflicting emotions and thoughts.
You've made a series of massive changes in your life; you've got some more coming. Some of those changes affected others you love. It's not surprising that you feel a little distressed! Only a fool would say they weren't.
Just don't think you have to go through all of this on your own. Friends can be nice, but sometimes the dispassionate helper is the best friend you can have.
Take care of yourself and good luck.
In my opinion what you are experiencing is completely normal. I felt this exact same way several times over the past year. There is a lot of baggage in this whole transition business. It is overwhelming. It's hard being a woman, and it's harder trying to be that woman when you're juggling work and family. I can't tell you how many times I felt like I abandoned my children, or I somehow messed them up. Well this weekend my daughter turned to me out of the blue and said you smile a lot now. Ultimately when you're happier with yourself, your children will be happier too.
I can also tell you that while it's true to some degree that transition lasts a lifetime, the hard parts of transition that you are deeling with now will end. Electrolysis will end. You'll be happy with your voice. You will have a ton of great friends. You won't even question whether you're accepted as a woman. The transition stuff that you end up with for life is the same sort of stuff that every human deals with to varying degrees.
It will get easier, and it will get better. PS. The next time I post something similar, please cut and paste my comment to remind me (-:
Might want to wait on quitting smoking. Can't believe I'm recommending that, but you have a lot on your plate right now.
Quitting seems to be the least important and the one that will inevitably make everything feel SOOO much worse than it actually is. But maybe that's just me. Everyone's withdrawal symptoms are different.
Anon... I know, I honestly cannot imagine how I would quit right now. It's mandatory that one stop before surgery, I think 3 weeks prior. Maybe I cut down a bit between now and then and quit 4 weeks out. It's very important to quit in the long-term. Short-term, maybe not as much.
Jen... too funny... We'll have comments going back and forth forever. Or at least until we're over the whole blogging thing. Very sweet, what your daughter said about you. I am glad to hear that this isn't uncommon.
When the urgency is there we sometimes forget that you cannot do everything well all at once. What you really need is some time off. Take a week and regroup. I don't know if you can but my thoughts are with you.
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