Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Kids... Kids are accepting. They don't know how to judge unless they're taught how to judge. They don't know about shame or shamefulness unless it's taught to them. Any 1-5 year old gleefully running around the house naked shows you that. My children's attitude towards my transition showed me that. Lately, after a few months of full-time and close to a year full-time outside of work, I am seeing how they learn to judge, to hide, that certain things aren't right. What gets scary is when I see reflections of those attitudes in my children.
Last night I was having yet another short conversation with my kids about my change, trying to keep them comfortable and grounded with it. S., my almost-6-year old, then told me about the Fathers' Day cards they made at school, and told me how she wasn't allowed to draw me "as a girl" so she had to "hide color," meaning she had to hide the fact from the teacher that she was drawing a girl. Also on the card, I could see "Mommy" erased, and replaced with "Daddy." "Guidance" from her teacher, no doubt. Wonderful. So now, I not only have to fight the "being different is OK" battle with the general public, I also have to fight it with my children's schoolteacher. And I certainly won't be backed up by my ex-wife. She didn't back me up when I was booted from G.'s, preschool. So, I'll have a polite conversation with the school sometime this week about the issue.
As for my ex-wife, she's said negative things about my transition to the children... I'm not so sure if she's said negative things about me per se, moreso how the transition affects her negatively. And how it's ok if they miss a night with me here and there. Of course, the children take away that my transition is a sad thing, a bad thing, a thing that we wish wasn't happening. And that time with their other mom is not important. I'm starting to see those attitudes reflected in things they say to me. Little things, like my 3-year old randomly saying "I am angry that you are changing into a girl!!" A 3-year old learns that from someone. Children are accepting but also easily manipulated. It's a little frightening. You need to vent about my transition? Vent to your friends. Vent to your family. Vent to your "friends" from church. Hell, vent to me. But don't vent to a 3 and a 5-year old. You know better than that, H. You're not that stupid. You are passive-aggressively manipulating the children for your own good, *not* theirs.
None of this ought to surprise me. I mean, I am breaking society's biggest taboo. Transsexual people by and large are not accepted, are misunderstood, are judged. If I somehow thought that we'd just fly through this period surrounded by transition cheerleaders, that places me smack in the middle of downtown Fantasyland. Reality sucks.
All I can really do is keep loving my children, keep making them feel secure when they're with me. I can have conversations here and there with schoolteachers, with preschool administrators, with ex-wives, but at the end of the day, they're going to do what they're going to do and there's a limited impact I can have on attitudes of adults. So I must keep the focus on S and G. I have no choice but to believe that if I keep loving them, keep being a good parent, keep teaching them that differences are OK, that this will all be good. Thoughts to the contrary are too much to bear.
4 comments:
This is a tough one. I think your conclusion makes sense. You love your kids. You exert what influence you can, and you try to counteract negative influences. You deal with outside influences when necessary. And you hope for the best.
Even though life isn't necessarily fair, your love for your kids is so strong that I can't help but think that will prevail in the end.
"passive-aggressively manipulating the children for (her) own good, *not* theirs."
This is very sad and very true. Even worse, Faline, is that it is insiduously destructive. I would do everything possible to nip it in the bud.
If I remember correctly, you have major "issues" with your ex. I cannot urge you strongly enough to address those issues forwith.
They will not go away. They will get worse. She WILL poison the love of your children to get back at you.
NOW...having said that, I will admit to having no DIRCT experience in these matters, but I have seen the destructive vindictiveness of ex-wives, and how they affected by brother's children and their relationship.
It did not work out well for ANYBODY involved...LEAST of ALL, the children who were in effect...innocent victims of a woman who perceived herself as "scorned".
This is a tough one Faline...better you than me.
Best wishes,
anne
As it were, we have a meeting today with a counselor to talk about a few issues related to the kids... some of the things I mentioned above will be brought up. With her, it'll probably go in one ear and out the other, but at least it's a venue where I won't be cut off on mid-sentence, or have my comments thrown back at me in the form of an ad hominem attack.
It is a tough one.
I would like to pray for you and your children, and to help your ex to start displaying the love of Christ that you say she believes in. What the heck ... I've been doing this for quite some time now, and I will continue to do so. Hope the meeting goes/has gone well. You certainly deserve more respect than you are getting.
Hugs and Prayers,
Cynthia
Post a Comment