accept. embrace. live.

... not only do you look forward to electrolysis, but on your 45-minute break between the two hours, you snap a picture of yourself sporting a swollen Neosporin-covered cheek, which she tortured for an hour, and a numbing cream, Press & Seal covered other cheek, preparing for hour #2, and you think that you look cute!!  And you send it to some friends, and come home and put it in a blog.
The days I have electrolysis, I really look forward to it.  I'm actually excited to go.  Sure, it hurts, but it is so worth it afterwards when I have two smooth cheeks afterwards.  I see little dead hairs all over my face and I know that I'll never have to shave *that* particular hair again.

And, tonight I said something to my electrologist about how I wanted to work on my upper lip, which has almost nothing but darks.  She said that we should keep lasering... in fact, she said, let's go do it now... I won't charge you!  So I also got a free muzzle laser treatment as well.  After I leave my appointments, I am always in the best mood... not so much because the pain is over for now, but because I am just that much closer to my goal.  And I *do* look cute in this picture.  Swelling and Press & Seal notwithstanding.  :)

P.S.  I'm not thrilled with the little candy-peppermint thing masquerading as a push pin on my posting dates above.  It is bothering me.  I might need to change that.  Random thought.

It's been a little heavy around here lately, so here is some fun stuff.  :)

I've been growing my hair (from about 1/2 inch, I used to have a buzz cut) for 10 months now, and my hair is finally long enough, around 5 1/2 to 6 inches.  Yay ponytail!!  The first time I tried making one, it took about 10 minutes.  I've practiced some and can make one in no time now.  I love that I can "put my hair up" now, even if it is a very teeny (and gray, which we'll get rid of) ponytail.  It's good for running.  It is super-cute.  I can't really wear it out yet because the rest of my hair is so long and I don't know what to do with the rest of it.  I have a hair appointment in a little over a month which I'm looking forward to.  I know she will need to take some off in spots but I hope I can still make a ponytail afterwards.  :)

And, tonight I got my first pedicure, at some mid-level place at the mall.  The last few times I've been out, my toes have really been getting on my nerves.  So tonight I got them done.  Now, I keep looking at my toes, smiling, and thinking, this is how my toes are *supposed* to look.  The color might be a little on the bright side for me, but whatever.  No one thought I was anything but a woman at the nail place... they gave me two of the requisite trashy magazines (who reads this crap?), tried to upsell me, there were other women on either side of me, who didn't give me a second look.

I didn't know if I was supposed to sit with my feet in the drying thing and wait for them to tell me to go, or what.  So I just sat that for what seemed like forever.  She told me that "you can go, ma'am," after about 20 minutes.  At which point I screwed up the polish on the side of my big toe.  You can't really tell, though.  I didn't know that they'd fix it if I asked so I didn't say anything.  I don't think I'll be going back to boring toes again.

One very cool thing about being trans is that you finally get to do all these things that you've wanted to do for your entire life.  Seems like almost every day lately there's something like that.  And still lots to look forward to!

~ Past ~
  (years of relatively blissful youth)


  I will be glad when I am finally in college.
  I will be glad when I am finally out of college.
  I will be glad when I finally have my Ph.D.
  (whoops)
  I will be glad when I finally have my Masters.
  I will be glad when I am finally out of this job.
  I will be glad when I finally have sex.
  I will be glad when this therapy finally solves these issues I've had all my life.
  (as if)
  I will be glad when I finally get married.
  I will be glad when I am finally out of this job (#2).
  I will be glad when we finally have kids.
  I will be glad when we finally get divorced.

  I will be glad when my facial hair is finally gone.
  I will be glad when my voice is finally gender-neutral.
  I will be glad when I finally have actual boobs.
  I will be glad when I am finally full-time.

~ Future ~
  I will be glad when I finally have GRS.
  I will be glad when I finally have a partner.
  I will be glad when I finally have sex.
  I will be glad when I finally done paying off my debt.
  I will be glad when I am finally in a field that I actually enjoy.

~ Ever? ~
  I will be glad when I finally have no big thing that I am waiting for to finally happen.

Lately I've crossed some threshold with passability... I need less and less effort. It is making life so much easier. This morning I crossed a new threshold with my kids, who are 5 and 3.

I picked them up at their Mom's this past Saturday morning sporting a green sleeveless top, khaki shorts, leopard flip-flops, absolutely zero makeup, didn't shave, no fake boobs, did nothing with my hair... and my purse. Get out of bed and go, pretty much. The purse was the new element... intended to say "female" to others. First time I've taken my kids out with the intention of being read as female.  Now that I think about it, also the first time I've gone out with no makeup with the intention of being read as female.  Huh.

I've left the purse out at home for the past 3-4 weeks so the kids could get used to seeing it, but this was the first time they saw me using it. While we were out and about, they said absolutely nothing about it other than, "Daddy, can you put my pen in your purse?" In therapy, our current goal with respect to the kids, is for this presentation to feel normal to them.  This was a total non-event for them, which is exactly what I had hoped for, so I'm doing well on my goal, I guess.

Got them in the car and we headed to Target and Wegmans (the best grocery store on earth, by the way). I didn't perceive that I got clocked once... got smiles from other Moms just like anyone else, felt totally normal. I purposely looked people in the eye and never once got that look of "huh?" The kids addressed me as "Daddy" the whole time but I wasn't worried about that... whatever. My hope is to let them call me what they want. We'll see where that goes.

I got home and looked at myself in the mirror, somewhat surprised that I didn't get read.  I guess people see what they think they are seeing... just another woman doing the humdrum task of grocery shopping with her kids.

Dear S.,

I was thinking about the picture you drew the other night, and thinking about how what you really want, is for the 4 of us to live together.  I felt sad that I could not give you what you want.

But, what I can and will give you and your brother, is all the possible love that I have to give.  Forever.  No matter what clothes I'm wearing, or what my voice sounds like, or what my body looks like, you two will always have that from me.  I will always take care of you.  I will always be here.  I will always love you.  And that is what you and your brother need.

Love,
Daddy

I have a little girl and a little boy, whom I have this evening.  My little girl a picture before dinner. I happened upon it after she went to bed. The picture was titled "To S*** from S****" and was a picture of a mommy, a daddy, and two kids, all holding hands.

There's nothing to break your heart as a parent, no matter how much other good stuff you do, than to know that you cannot give your child the one thing she really wants.  Well, two things, one of which she doesn't even realize she doesn't, or won't, have.  This is all so not fair to my children.

I've been on hormones for just over 4 months. Have been on the full dose of 3.75 mg Premarin, 200 mg spironolactone for about 2 months. Before I started, I read as much as I could find on others' experiences. Here's my contribution after 4 months, for anyone doing her own research or for interested other parties...

• The emotions, oh my, the emotions. Holy cow. Much easier to cry these days... lots of times, especially in the morning, it will just hit me for no reason. I've cried more in the past month than I have in the past 25 years... seriously. I find that I am a bit more relaxed and calm^*, especially when driving. I'm much more inclined to let someone in, if someone doesn't "go" right when the light turns green I don't get all worked up, stuff like that.
• I've lost about 15 pounds. My body fat has remained about constant, so it must be muscle loss.  Was around 172 before starting.  Now am 157-158.  Would love to get under 150.
• My skin is softer. It is really noticeable on my arms. I LOVE this!! :)
• Speaking of my arms, the veins in them are a little less prominent.
• Libido... if it was an 100 before, now it is about a 5.
• I smell more like a girl. Other TG people who have been on hormones for a while will understand this.
• I sweat less than I did before.
• My body hair is growing more slowly. For example, I'd shave my legs in the morning, and by the evening they felt all stubbly.  Now, they still feel pretty smooth after 24 hours.  It's not any less dense or coarse. That will take some time.

Hmmm, let's see if I missing anything that anyone would be curious about. Nope, that's it.... can't think of anything else. Ok, bye.

Haha.

• Of course, the girls. They're doing what they are supposed to. If I am wearing a non-loose top, for those who know what's going on, they're obvious. I'm a bit sore. For example, if I brush a crumb off my shirt, it hurts.  If I hug someone, it hurts.  Never been so glad to experience a little pain.  :)  I'm a something-AA. I would be very fortunate to get to a full B. My therapist has had a couple hundred transgender clients, and she's never had anyone achieve more than a B naturally. For the amount of time I've been on hormones, I'm OK with where they are.

So far, HRT has done exactly what I had hoped it would do. Have not experienced anything that I consider a negative. As for the crying... well, it's a lot of crying, but that feels more like me.  I am *supposed* to cry more than a guy.  I'll go in for blood tests and another endo appointment sometime in August.  I don't think we will change the dose... I'm happy with what's happening, and the medical goal is to get the desired effects on the smallest dose that works for the patient.

Pretty amazing stuff!!  You can read and read about HRT until you are blue in the face, but can't appreciate it until you undergo it.  I think about what I'll be like a year from now, and it makes me smile.

---

^{*This could be due to the reduced testosterone in my system, the fact that I am just happier now, or some combination of both.  No way to know, of course.  Probably a little of both.}