accept. embrace. live.

Lately I've crossed some threshold with passability... I need less and less effort. It is making life so much easier. This morning I crossed a new threshold with my kids, who are 5 and 3.

I picked them up at their Mom's this past Saturday morning sporting a green sleeveless top, khaki shorts, leopard flip-flops, absolutely zero makeup, didn't shave, no fake boobs, did nothing with my hair... and my purse. Get out of bed and go, pretty much. The purse was the new element... intended to say "female" to others. First time I've taken my kids out with the intention of being read as female.  Now that I think about it, also the first time I've gone out with no makeup with the intention of being read as female.  Huh.

I've left the purse out at home for the past 3-4 weeks so the kids could get used to seeing it, but this was the first time they saw me using it. While we were out and about, they said absolutely nothing about it other than, "Daddy, can you put my pen in your purse?" In therapy, our current goal with respect to the kids, is for this presentation to feel normal to them.  This was a total non-event for them, which is exactly what I had hoped for, so I'm doing well on my goal, I guess.

Got them in the car and we headed to Target and Wegmans (the best grocery store on earth, by the way). I didn't perceive that I got clocked once... got smiles from other Moms just like anyone else, felt totally normal. I purposely looked people in the eye and never once got that look of "huh?" The kids addressed me as "Daddy" the whole time but I wasn't worried about that... whatever. My hope is to let them call me what they want. We'll see where that goes.

I got home and looked at myself in the mirror, somewhat surprised that I didn't get read.  I guess people see what they think they are seeing... just another woman doing the humdrum task of grocery shopping with her kids.