I'm stuck in this at-times annoying place.  Most things are close to where I need them to be... but not.... quite.... there..... yet!   Overall, things are good with me.  I'm happy and pleased that I am where I am in a relatively short amount of time.  But I am still doing my time in Purgatory.

  • My facial hair is a LOT clearer, but there's enough hair that, for example, after a laser treatment, I can't go out for a couple of days.  I can't get a good shave after laser for 3-4 days.  I don't want to go out of the house except for work, unless I am myself.  For example tonight, I don't have anything good to eat.  I don't want to go out.  So I had all this miscellaneous crap for dinner.  Blech.
  • My voice is not where it needs to be... I think that some friends believe that what I am experiencing is real, but when we hang out, I think that they probably think of me as a male.  Not because of anything they have done or said... but because *I* believe what really makes the woman and the personality is the voice.
  • And of course, there is work, where I am still my old self.  I'm mentally ready for full-time, but not physically.
  • I'm in that "is she or isn't she??" androgynous phase, appearance-wise.
  • It still takes a decent amount of time, normally, to get ready, in terms of shaving.  Face.  Arms.  Underarms.  Legs.  Chest.  Neck.  Upper back.  I am sooooo sick of shaving!   :)
  • I'm mentally at the point where I am ready and open to meeting someone.  If you count the amount of time that I was unhappy while living with my wife, it has been 3 full years since I have been in a relationship.  For anyone who has been following this blog, there has been no mention of dating, or relationships.  Mostly because it wasn't a priority.  Lately, I am starting to get a little lonely.  I've worked through my "stuff" and I believe that I would be a caring and giving partner for someone.  I have more than my share of alone nights at home.  Nothing new, but I've been so immersed in thought, reading, etc., that I've not noticed.  It's different now.  So that is simmering, as well.  It's not a "priority" per se, but it's palpable.
  • Hmm, that bullet point was by far the longest.  Maybe it's more important than I think.
I have come so far in the past 10 months.  I'm not complaining... for the amount of time I've been at this, I'm doing well.  It's human nature to want to get to the next step, the next phase, etc.  So anyway, I'm in this place halfway, well, more than halfway, between where I was, and where I want to be.  It's a little frustrating at times.

I am getting my haircut for the first time in 11 months, in about a week.  Plus I am getting all the grey hair out. I'm excited.  I think this will help with the andro look I've got going on.  I need some shape, badly!  I'm pretty excited.  Oh, I already said that.  There *will* be pictures here after the cut & color, make no mistake about it.  I hope it turns out OK.


Good luck with the cut! Having someone show me what to do with my hair helped trememdously. And it's even still quite short.


Hey Faline..
Glad you posted this link to you blog from PE.
It brought me here to this latest entry and I heart skipped a beat because you are writing what I am both feeling and going through right now as well. I am talking about not just a couple of points but ALL of them! whoa!...
Not sure what to make of that - perhaps this experience is more universal than individual - though I expect it is both.
Looks like you have been going at this for a while (blog). I just got started with mine - and I struggle with what to write about so much - it keeps me from writing anything.
I read others (like yours) blogs and I am left feeling inadequate. I am not used to sharing my inner thoughts with the world (even though I doubt many people (if any) would actually even read them) and I am not convinced at all in my ability to be so concise about what I am feeling to be able to put it into words. My feeling is that I tend to ramble on and never actually get my point across - or it gets lost on the jumble - or I forget even what point I started out to make!.. Like maybe this comment! But there it is anyway.

But you are an inspiration to me... We'll have to see if I can do anything with it.


It sounds to me like you are nearing the start of a good place. Maybe this introspection is the kind of thing we do when we are "moving on" after a major decision or change? I dunno, but it seems like what I have gone through in the past after losing jobs at the worst possible moments, deaths in the family, etc.

Thanks for sharing this with us/me. You always make me think.

I hope you find someone who is worthy of you when the time is right. You are too awesome to feel lonely! : )


I too popped over from PE and will drop in again.

Never went near a hair dresser for "4" decades but so happy to have found one now and changing from grey last week has changed me in so many ways. Good luck with your colouring.

Caroline xxx

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