Do most of us truly want to be a part of this world? Not in the literal sense, I mean the trans world. I don't. I don't feel like I've ever really fit into this world. It's a little counterintuitive to not be able to relate to so many people going through the same profound thing that you are. But to many of them, I don't. I don't get why one would want to spend all her time around trans people. I don't get why anyone would want to make their life about being trans. I hear the phrase "you're never really done transitioning" bandied about. That's bullshit. You're never done learning, but transition for me at this point is mostly a physical thing. I don't need to learn how to fit in with women; I always have. Perhaps those who believe you're never done shouldn't have transitioned in the first place.
I remember at an early stage in my transition, maybe a month after I started going out as myself, I received an email about this new group where people could "share a potluck supper in a safe space." Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I've never been much for so-called safe spaces. That's not living. That's not why I am transitioning, so I can move from a tiny closet into one that's just a little bit bigger. I've never set foot in a gay bar. I don't get why so many trans people frequent gay bars. I don't get why such a huge percentage of transsexual women identify as lesbian, when a much smaller percentage of natal women do. The hate I've seen from certain TS people towards men is astounding and saddening.
I'm tired of the constant political parade of Facebook updates from trans activists, posting and reposting the latest news item, or issue du jour. I've defriended most of them. Even this blog. It's been great when I need to work something out, or get something out, but as I get closer to normalcy, I am finding that there's nothing normal about posting such private stuff. I'm not feeling the need to post about the latest revelation I had, or the latest thing that happened... I'm not certain that I need this blog anymore. This isn't my last post, but posting here is becoming more of a crutch. A crutch which I'm not certain I need any longer. I was an administrator on this trans support site... this past week, I resigned and deleted my account there. I don't want to be on trans support sites, let alone administer them.
I am pulling away from this community... a community I'm not even certain I was ever a part of in a real-life sense.
Virtually all of my real-life socializing time is and has been spent with cis people. This past week, for example, I spent three evenings with three different women chatting over a drink. Three with my kids. That is where I fit in. I don't fit in sitting in a large circle with a group of people struggling. I'm not struggling. My path and my goal are certain. My goal is to have a normal life.
I want out. It's just up to me to do it.
Posted by
Faline
17 comments:
This sounds pretty healthy to me Faline. All the best always!
Halle
I think this is why I had little interest in the local T support group. I've never been one for gay bars or "safe places" because it is an echo chamber of sorts. IRL, I have a social group and friends and none of them are transanything. I don't really need it. I do enjoy the interaction here, but I also know how it can also be an echo chamber and something to get away from.
Moving on, as Halle said, is super healthy. Pull the plug, lady.
xoxo
I have met up with a few interesting people who happened to be transsexual, interesting but incidental really to them being interesting people.
Here we are in some sort of waiting room of life and may as well get along while we are here and help each other if we can but it is a transition point not a destination.
It is always good to hear that someone has made a success of the life which follows. If you have reached the point of departure good luck, please send a post card to let us know how you get on.
Caroline xxx
I've met quite a few great people, some whom I suspect I will remain friends with for a while. I think this particular entry is more about releasing myself from the community... or at least the perceived need I had to tangentially be a part of it. I have friends from triathlon, friends from transition, friends from other random places here and there. Life is about all of those.
I'll be sorry to see you go if you do, but good luck on your path.
It could be because I still mostly go out as a scruffy bloke with my wife, or maybe I've been lucky in my local trans scene. I've met one or two people who have become real friends and a load of very interesting people. Yes there have been one or two I don't gel with but I don't have to spend time with them. Don't do gay bars, except for one or two times when one was a meeting point for going somewhere else.
Some of the best blogs I follow in this sphere aren't trans blogs as such, but blogs from people who happen to be trans.
Some people seem to want to stay in the trans world. That's their call, but I don't understand it. I was glad to move through it and come out on the other side in the real world. Like you, most of my friends are not trans, and those who are trans are my friends simply because I like them as people. Being transsexual gender variant has never been much of a bonding mechanism for me.
My new favourite quote: "Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh." That really said it all. :)
As for why such a large percentage of transsexual women identify as lesbian, a larger percentage than in the population as a whole, well, I haven't dared ask that question aloud yet.
Ariel - I identify as a lesbian simply because I am attracted to women and not men. Oh, and I like cheese. According to a lesbian I met, lesbians like cheese. But I don't hate men. I just don't want to sleep with them. I generally only hate idiots and evil people.
xoxo
@Natasha
That's why I've never dared ask the question. I don't want to question the sexual orientation of individuals, especially those I know and like. It's the statistics that I find curious.
My dear Faline
You have ever so succintly put down in words your thoughts, feelings and actions towards the 'community'. In reading this today, some how your words have struck a chord with my own latest thought processes toward the same.
I agree with you whole heatedly!
You rock girl! Your the kind of person whom would be such a great friend to have!
Thanks for sharing some of the bits in your life with those of us whom are struggling for continuity.
"I don't fit in sitting in a large circle with a group of people struggling. I'm not struggling."
In my view this is THE point here. I am not struggling either and have found the "negativity" of the struggling trans world burdensome and (sorry about this) uninteresting, especially when it goes beyond immediate biographical descriptions of an individual. You know, "THE STRUGGLE", makes me feel like a revolutionary and I am too old for that.
The gay bar thing? I believe this is rather a sad reflection of loneliness than anything else. I have gay friends and even they do not go to gay bars.
I would be very sad to see you leave here, but I also understand that when it's time to move forward, then don't hesitate. My heartfelt wishes for all things good to you.
Sounds very healthy to me and it also sounds like you are confident in who you are ... and that is wonderful!
Thanks for sharing all that you have with this community here. I'm sure that your words have helped others. If this is your ending, the very best to you and your life.
Hugs, Elly
*hugs* girl. I am starting to get that sense as well and I'm sure it'll be even more so in another week or more here.
I have stopped posting trans postings on FB, I'm starting to phase my online presence out (at least how it's connected with my name).
Wish you the best! And btw thanks for defending me on that nasty blog.
<3 Jerica
Unfortunately, this is my first visit. As a person that is just coming to terms with being transexual, I can actually agree.
My passion for all this is not fueled by the desire to be trans, its the desire to be a woman.
But just know that regardless of you moving on in your life, I would encourage you all to leave your stuff on the web. Without recourses like these, I wouldn't have made it as far as I have.
Thanks,
Renee
Gee...I am really happy to see how so many of you are finally, at your own personal pace, acquiring an increasingly "clear perception of the obvious".
T"RANS-ition", is JUST that...a "crossing over" from one "state" of being, to another.
Welcome to the real world, ladies.
I love this post, and find it a position of strength to look at the trans community this way, a place to move through a process, not a landing spot. For me, it is similar to AA/NA...some folks stay stuck in their 'recovery' and need those meetings and to hang out with 'people like them' all the time, and some folks just move to another place where the fact of their former lifestyle is in the past, and has not much to do with the now of them.
Anne summed it up in her description of the word transition!
Hey, I like and look forward to your comments and opportunities to view a very 'girl' girl. Don't forget those as myself.
You look great and look even better.
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