I had an appointment for my second surgery letter a few weeks' back. This appointment was with a well-known provider who has been working with trans people for over 20 years. She was going through her standard list of questions, and she asks me, "So, you've had FFS." "No, no I haven't." Her eyes popped out of her head. She wrote something down on her bad and shook her head incredulously. I had an electrolysis appointment about a month ago and one of the women who works there, but hadn't seen me in months, saw me and the same thing happened. Her jaw dropped to the floor and she somewhat stammered out how beautiful I was, as if she couldn't believe that a transsexual woman could look as I do. There's a guy at Starbucks who I consistently get looks from, and we're starting to get chatty.
I look great. In fact, I don't blend. I stand out. In the way that a woman wants to stand out. Which makes it easy for me to attract men. What this does not make any easier is the inevitable conversation that I will have no choice but to have with a man, once things start getting to that point. Not revealing to a man with whom I was serious means involving my children in that and asking them to lie, and I am not willing to do that. But how the heck does one go about telling someone *that*? Let me know when you find that one on your "TS Roadmap."
On teh interwebz, you can find resources to assist you with just about all parts of your transition. Except one. If you happen to be straight, you'll find that you're a needle in a haystack. Which makes one wonder, but I've written on that subject before. I go through a mental list of my friends who have and/or are transitioning, and you know how many would describe themselves as straight? None. Not one. Wait, I thought of one. One. You mention that you're straight around a group of trans women and you get this response...
*blink*
*blink*
"ewwww....."
Which isn't all that helpful. So, like just about everything else related to my transition, I'll take the same approach... the "eh, I'll figure it out." approach. I've pretty much done my own thing through transition. Taken steps, handled things in the way that felt right to me. Sometimes going against prevailing wisdom, sometimes not. It has all worked so far. The whole relationship thing, though, seems like a horse of a different color. The only thing that I've decided so far is that I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot from the get-go, IOW, tell people before they've had a chance to get to know me. Everything else, I'll figure as I go.
Posted by
Faline
17 comments:
Want an eye opener Faline? Google "Transgender," then "Transsexual," then Google "life after SRS or a variation there of... Wow millions of hits suddenly becomes thousands... Now if you discount the majority of "life after" as they only pertain to post-op care. Then you are left with exactly three websites... That's right only three! Melanie Phillips, Andrea's Road Map and Lynn Conway's "part III" that a decade later is still unfinished!
Go it one step further...If you take this post, your last, and this bit here, add em together and I think you might get an inkling just how rare we really are!
Ohh I forgot! I'm not supposta say that about the Emperors purty new party clothes! My bad, let the "communities" indignant howls commence!
's funny you wrote this post right now, I went to see a psych today for a second Orchi letter, I've met the guy once before 'bout a month and a half ago, he walked straight past me and smiled, a few minutes later, he comes up close to me in the waiting room, crouches down next to me and quietly whispers (with a worried look on his face) are you "boy name"? poor fella, was worried he was gonna ask the wrong girl if she was TS. (I had told him my name, I suspect he'll use it from now on, should he get the opportunity)
Made me laugh though.
Interesting concept you gots goings on dere, so wat youse is sayin', is dat youse wants/needs youse a Va-jay-jay, and youse is actually goings'ta USE IT
Well I'll be!... never heard of dat before!, and here Ise Just tawt deyse was fow dec-e-o-ration.... ;-)
Hope all's good/getting better with you
Funny and cool about FFS. I've had those comments too. You'd think by now people would realize that we don't all look "obvious" in the wrong way. In fact, in my experience, most of us don't.
As for being straight, well, there's me. Yes, I'm in a same-sex relationship of long standing, but by desire and behaviour, I'm straight. I'm just kind of "stealth" straight. :) My friend in Montreal is straight too. Someone with whom I was in a therapy group is straight (I've lost touch with her). There are more, even if I keep it only to women I know personally (as opposed to only online).
Dunno about all those "lesbian" women who blink and go "ewwww." I mean, what's up with that?
Because I have only sex and not a relationship, and that's likely to stay the same, I don't know how I'd handle "that." If you can't be truly stealth due to circumstances, then you're kind of stuck revealing at some point. Then I guess you keep looking until you find that bird as rare as we are who doesn't care about your history but only cares about you. They exist.
Well, you're gorgeous. And that it's natural makes it all the better.
Are people really reacting that way to the fact that you're straight? Huh. I know a lot of straight trans women, pre and post. My esposa's convinced if she weren't in the picture, I would probably be as well. But seriously, people in these parts need to stop judging other people, especially when it comes to attraction.
xoxo
I think what your post reveals is how ridiculous "ewww...." is for any description. The strange thing is that most women are straight, aren't they. That would include those of history. What seems to be the real question for those with a history that involves creating and raising a family, when did they straighten out, you know, went from straight to straight as it relates to their publicly perceived presentation. There would be much to say on a personal level but I opt not to.
No Natash, we don't and won't stop "judging" based on attraction because that's the biggest lie of them all! That what's between your legs has no bering on who you are attracted to as a partner!
Don't think so? Run the numbers! Transsexual occur about one in thirty to fifty thousand births... as we tend to follow the same attraction curve as those not born with this curse. That would mean that the chances of a transsexual being "Lesbian" should be about one in 300 to 500 thousand AT BEST!
In other words there should be maybe 5-10 of them in the entirety of Faline's state, but that's not the case is it? Oh nooooooo! Cause we gotta count all the permenant pre op, non op gender varient/queer/confused as Transgender, including the pitifully small number of transsexuals like Faline., The numbers suddenly zoom into the thousands if not tens of thousands and curious.... (remember what"s between your legs doesn't matter right!) Why they are almost all... Lesbian!
Sorry Natasha, but that screams volumes about who most of these "Lesbians" are and what their motivation is!
And for the record? Ask any straight guy if he's a lesbian and he'll get a dreamy look on his face as he says "yeahhhhh!"
Ah, Miz. The problem is that there are people on both sides who make assumptions about how other people should feel or who they should be attracted to. I'm more interested in why there are not more Bi-identified trans people given that it makes more sense to me, as a Bi-identified trans person. I'm in a lesbian relationship and it is highly improbable that I will ever stray from that to act on my attraction to men, but I am attracted to men as well as women. And this makes sense to me given the nature of my life. I would think there were more like me, but I'm not going to argue with those who are one way or the other, or worry about their motives.
Because frankly I don't care what their motives are. I don't have enough time in my life to be concerned with such things. They can like who they want to and it doesn't make a bit of difference to me.
And this is naive, right? Because the actions of some will change how others perceive me or treat me? Well, I haven't seen it where I live. Frankly, most people in the world have no interest in realtranspolitik. The fact is that people who have an inclination to judge me will judge me no matter what someone else says or does. They'll judge me for all kinds of reasons, most of them having nothing to do with my being a trans person.
I think at some point, we have to stop giving a shit what anyone thinks and live our lives, straight, gay or whatever.
Ugh...too many words to this, but please don't speak to me like I'm an idiot. I actually know a thing or two, even if I do not know it all.
(sorry for the essay, Faline).
First of all, Faline, I agree with Natasha; you are gorgeous. No FFS required! :)
Second, I agree with Miz' inference that what is between your legs matters. I agree because I read Ariel's post
http://anaturalizedcitizen.blogspot.com/2011/06/changed-utterly.html
some months ago, and it made me realize that my own 'ewwww' reaction to feelings for men had to do with anatomy (or my lack of anatomy).
There is no doubt in my heart that with the proper anatomical motivation, I would still be straight, or as Ariel suggests, bi.
Natasha,
Were did I say I was judging you specifically? You made his blanket kumbiya statement straight out of the TG hymnal and I made a blanket reply...
"No Way"
And I stand by what I said! The majority of the "trans-women" clearly profess to be lesbian and that is wildly and totally inexplicably out of any proportion to the general population but hey, just for shits and giggles, why don't we add another even more damning piece to it! The early transitioners exactly reflect the general populations sexual orientation!
But that's all meaningless right? Just ignore the data cause it's a bit too inconvenient despite the fact that all these people who play gender dress up or who quasi change their secondary sexual characteristics or even those who, as Faline correctly pointed out, go all the way but who do it mid life on... Why they all have the exact same sex life as before and it seems the only thing that changed about them boffing the misses (if she didn't kick em to the curb) is they now have to take viagra to get up their girly hormonally softened penis up, or if they went all the way and got em a coochie, then they have to use a rubber penis?
Face it, that IS significant and it speaks volumes about the REAL reasons why they are doing this! It speaks to if what is REALLY between their ears is male or female and it speaks volumes about who these legions are that have taken refuge behind the skirts of the long suffering and frankly few transsexuals!
Look I REALLY don't care who boffs who! I don't care if you stay with the misses or if you call yourselves poly-pan-amory-homo-hetro-sexual or Hare Krishnas! Be celibate or take on the football team and half the bus station every Saturday night! That's totally your business, not mine and frankly I don't give a fig!... but when it does become my business is when we are all under this one big happy family umbrella and there is something so glaringly telling but we ain't EVER suppose to say anything cause... well thats too personal and besides sex and sexuality have nothing in common!
Bull!
Miz - Where did I say you were judging me? My statement isn't kumbiya so much as a frustration with the idea that anyone should even begin to find someone else's sexual orientation worthy of "ewww".
As to what you care and don't care about, your rigorous defense of statistics and the implications of non-heteronormal relations of trans people, of history or no, seems to indicate otherwise. You want to say that some people are doing this because they are really TS and others are doing this for some other, odd reason that seems to mimic the transsexual condition but is not quite that enough for your tastes. It is NEVER your business who sleeps with who or how they sleep with them or why they sleep with them. NEVER! And it is NEVER your business to tell someone else what they are or are not. You don't have that right because, as a matter of fact, you don't know it all.
As for the fucking umbrella, who gives a crap? Seriously. It's a joke and it's getting old that people are all up in arms over whether or not someone they don't think is like them thinks they are like them. Be offended, whatever.
The fact is, you may think you know something about people. But you don't. I am so tired of the sanctimonious crap that floats around from people who they know the so-called "REAL" reasons anyone does anything. You might as well be one of the people who denies this is a condition at all for the good you do. Go hang out with the assholes who think we're deluded, and I mean early and late transitioners. I'm sure they'll believe anything you say.
The correct number for lesbian demographics is 7-8%. That is not counting any bisexuals. So if you accept prevalence numbers in the most conservative estimate then you would have 700 lesbian transsexuals in the US plus any bisexual or closet bisexual MTFs.
"ewww...", really? Any which way you cut it, all I can say is grow up. I happen to believe that almost all straight to straight transitioners are at the end of the day bisexual. After having had intimate relationships with one sex and then at a different time with another sex seems to me it's pretty obvious, isn't it.
I have several friends who, when pre-op, told me in no uncertain terms that they were, as one good friend put it, "all about the girls". Sex with a male was worthy of an ewwwww. Fast forward two years following GRS and guess what? No more ewwww's. I have my theories as to why this is the case, but I'll just leave it at that.
I do have to agree with Kathryn, however. So what? Do we really need to question one's sexual orientation and associate that with being transsexual?
I don't think anyone can look at the sexuality of any single person and infer whether or not they are transsexual based on that. I do, however, think it says something about the trans community in general when so many profess to be lesbian and/or bisexual. I'm not going into it again, as I wrote my own analysis of this some time ago. I don't really care what people are or are not, but it is interesting from an academic perspective.
Kathryn, depending on how one defines the term "bisexual," just about every member of the human race could be interpreted as being bisexual. Very few people are on the tails of the Kinsey scale.
Gosh darn Natasha... I guess you really put me in my place didn't you Oh heck, since you put it that way, why I don't know how my piddling decades of knowledge could possibly compare to the vast stores you've acquired in yourwhat... summer vacation plus three weeks? Well hush my mouth!
No seriously hush my mouth! You have no idea how tiresome it becomes to have this same pattern repeat itself over and over again... as yet another dripping wet behind the ears neophyte shows up and proudly and loudly tells all the battle scarred grandmothers the VERY BEST WAY to suck eggs and then expounds further on why they are so damned stupid to be doing it their o-l-d way... and it is always for the same reason... These things that the granny are saying are... ahumm inconvenient to the neophytes current situation...
I'm certain as you teach high school you NEVER run into that attitude now do you? And of course in the theater.. well .motivation certainly doesn't count for diddly... and hey... it's all the same about everything right? I mean if a jock from the football team stands up and reads... poorly... from a script because he has to, why thats just the same as someone who spent years and years studying and perfecting their craft because they ARE an actor... According to the paradigm you give, why it is all xactly the same! Kumbiya!
Honey, did it ever occur to you that maybe... just m-a-y-b-e... there might be some out here that have been just a little ways further down that road than you and that they might... m-i-g-h-t know a thing or two that you don't?
Like it or not, there is as Faline pointed out a MAJOR ewww factor to the "trans-community" (whatever that is!) about having sex with men and that comes from the fact that bottom line, these "trans" are still straight men betwixt the ears and all the self-rightious bluster and braggadocio in the world is not going to change that!
That my dear is the elephant in the room... and not discussing it is not going to stop him from shitting on the carpet!
Oh, sorry, Miz Granny. I forgot you have decades of experience because...what was that again, oh yes, because you say so. Speaking in theatre terms, you seem to be playing a character, but there's nothing behind the mask. Your claims of experience ring hollow because there's no there there. You've no credentials, dear. You've no references. Just because you walk on stage and claim you're a master thespian and demand the leading role, does not mean you are going to get it.
There are lots of people who know a lot more than I do. There are lots of people with a lot more experience than I have, in a lot of things. And what I have learned, as a student and an educator, is to take what works and disregard the rest, especially from people who have been there and done that because it is not the same world no matter how hard they try to claim it is. My students are not the students from a decade ago or two decades ago. Therefore the experiences of an older teacher in dealing with kids has to be taken with a grain of salt because they are, in many ways, stuck in their practice and haven't evolved with their student population.
So let's take it on faith that you are someone with "decades of experience", even though I have no idea who you are or when you transitioned (or if you transitioned!). You say things and I may agree with some and I may disregard others because even though I'm still new to playing the part, I've actually been preparing for it for some time now and it would be asinine to compare me to a kid new to the stage because it discounts that preparation entirely. I've worked with a lot of performers and there are lots of really bad old actors out there who have been playing the same role poorly for years, but think their shit don't stink. And I have worked with some amazing young actors who pick things up quickly, study hard and work at creating a dynamic performance.
Oh, and I've had a couple of jocks from the football team come through my doors and they have been pretty wonderful. You see, I don't judge someone because of who they are, I judge them for what they do.
And I know there is a major ewww factor among some idiots and I think that anyone who does that is an asshole. And the world aint perfect and people judge other people and people act shitty towards each other for all kinds of reasons. And there are people who make assumptions about others for whatever reason, be it experience or ignorance, and are often wrong in those assumptions.
So...so what if there is an elephant shitting on the carpet? Elephant shit is pretty huge. Avoid it. If you choose to step in it, that's your business. But don't expect everyone to follow you on through the crap, because it stinks.
Just a couple of "judgements" in your last post, Tash. Eeeeeewwwwww!!!
Anne
hmmm...don't lie the message? SHOOT the messenger. No problema...NOT!!!
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