Over the course of my transition, although no one has (overtly) rejected me, over time, friends and the relationships have faded away to the point where other than a precious few people, we're friends in the Facebook sense only. I try to do my best to understand and realize that I'm not the same person I was before and that people were friends with him, not her. I also think removing myself from the local triathlon scene has contributed to that. Triathlon can be cult-like at times; social events revolve around training and races, and if one doesn't train and race, she's not really part of the group any more. So this is no one and everyone's (including me) fault at the same time. I'm as OK with it as I can be.

However, there's one particular friend for whom I truly feel a loss, and this loss saddens me more than any other. I'm not quite sure why. I've known her for three or four years and although at times she could be a little aloof, we clicked. At times it almost felt like a little more than friendship, but it never happened, which was probably for the best. The amount of communication has waxed and waned over the course of our friendship, but I trusted her to the degree that she was among the first few people to whom I came out. I remember how supportive she was and how she told me that I shouldn't be afraid to talk to her about it. We went out a couple times when I was still in wig mode. In fact, she was the one who prodded me into going out without the wig, a much-needed prod. A couple months later, she, I, and others were hanging out, carrying on, having a couple drinks, and she told me that I was her favorite friend. She's said stuff like that to me more than once. She was my favorite friend, too.

We met up for dinner around the time that I came out at work, about a year ago to this day, and I haven't seen her since. I've sent a couple emails and messages here and there about getting together, but I haven't been taken up on it. Granted, she's very busy with some new stuff in her life but if I figure if people truly want to make time, they will. I'm not angry at her in the least; after all, she was friends with him, not her. I had hoped she was friends with her, too. I miss my friend.


I'm sorry to hear this. I tend to think we have a better chance of retaining female friends, but I know it doesn't always happen. And it's hard when it doesn't happen, especially with someone who seemed to be close, because we feel that we are now better people and better friend material.

You will make new friends.

Of course, this person thought I was pretty good friend material before, and perhaps that's part of the issue with keeping pre-transition friendships. :|

I realize that we're different than we were and it's completely unrealistic to expect things not to change, but with certain people one refuses to believe that it will. But it does... and unfortunately, I get it. I get why this happens. Nonetheless, it makes me sad.

The loss you are speaking of is one of the mind numbingly dear prices we must pay to become whole and free and you've my kudos for seeing it for exactly what it is... and there is an upside to this seperation. It leaves you open to rebuild your life anew! For every friendship that is lost, a sane and happy Faline will form two... sure it takes time and it doesn't spare you the grieving for what was... but it should be of comfort to know that like everything else, this too will pass!

There are a number of people in my life who have slipped away over the years. Some were the best of all possible friends and I mourn not having them in my life in a meaningful way. I don't think it has anything to do with being trans sometimes (in fact, because of this, I've rekindled one close friendship...it gave me an excuse to seek him out and talk to him and we remembered why we were such good friends to begin with). Sometimes people just drift apart and it's hard to say if anyone is really responsible for it.

And you'll meet people in your new life that will be great friends with you for awhile and then something will change, the wind will blow differently and they'll disappear. (and a student just asked me why I'm crying...sigh).


There are always those whose primary connection was with him. One of my best long standing friends was so rattled by my disclosure that even though we continue to socialize and remain friends it is no longer the same. I am now on the other side of the fence and am no longer trustworthy in the context of our relationship before.

There are others too. The theme of their reaction is that their "gender" balance is disturbed. Their un-compromised sense by which they identify gender around them is now compromised.

This topic truly needs a conversation of depth.

I know the feeling. I have made a lot of new friends....others have stuck around and other acquaintenances became friends.

Old friends (even supportive ones) tended to fade into the background.

@Kathryn... I honestly can't say that I'm aware of anyone who was completely rattled by my transition. Then again, I didn't have any truly close male friends... not a single one. At times it seems like it would be easier if there were reactions like that... at least that way, you know why. I think many people, and I'm *not* talking about the friend from this blog entry, were uncomfortable but afraid to say so. They can then fade away safely while giving the appearance, at least in public, of being the supportive, open-minded person.

Then again, it's also easier for us to blame everything on our transition, when in fact it could be closer to reality that life events have as much impact as transition does, as Tasha suggests. The thing that sucks is that you never know for sure. And at least some of the loss must be due to transition; otherwise you wouldn't hear the same thing over and over from virtually every trans person you talk to on the topic.

You're so darn close to right with your supposition it's almost painful! But it's not the transition itself per-say that ends the friendships... though it would seem to fit... Rather it's that the transition so changes the person they once knew that any former basis to the friendship is washed away...

As for them being uncomfortable... errr... Looking back on my own experiences and those of other sisters. Again I would say that the folks who truly are uncomfortable pretty much let you know... If not right here and now then after one or two awkward "hi how are you? Hey I gotta run!) Their reaction pretty much tells the tale... No with the others who fein so much interest and support and then slowly vanish it is something much more nefarious and dark!

You see what most "trans-folk" take as acceptance when folks treat em kindly, is really that those folks are either sating their curiosity (OMG! Do you think s(he) really will bite the head off a chicken?) or... they are doing their time as a visible liberal! See! See! I'm like so progressive and a true forward thinker! Why I can even be friends with that uber weird and icky man dress! But like the curiosity seeker... When there are no chicken beheadings forth coming and no medals are passed out for doing their pertinence as friends with that... that man in the dress... Their interest wains and, "well... I mean we really would love to get together but we are so busy!

Kinda sucks ass when it's happening and more so at a time when you really could use a friend! But in the long run.. Better that Faline make new friends with people who love and adore her with no knowledge of a golem who has long since gone back to the mud from which he came!


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