Surgery is in 40 days. You've probably not noticed it, but about three months ago, I put a little countdown timer at the bottom of my blog. It's hard to believe that it's gone from 120 to 40 so fast. Still very surreal. Between thoughts on surgery, wondering how I will get through the holidays, and the full-day custody trial scheduled for mid-January, my next 4 months will be about little else than survival. I've not yet experienced any pre-surgical freakouts, crazy emotions, or anything like that, but I'm sure that will come as November 7th draws near. I can't imagine what the night before will be like. I can't imagine what it'll feel like the last time I see my kids before surgery. Just thinking about it brings forth some pretty heavy emotions.
When I say "survival" earlier, by the way, I don't mean it in the suicidal sense; I mean that I have only the energy to put one foot in front of the other and get to the next day... to put myself in a position where I have a chance to finally, finally, after 40+ years, have a relatively drama-free life. I don't even know what that's like. For now, I'll continue sucking it up and dealing with the insomnia, constant-pit-in-my-stomach, and loneliness. There's a light at the end of the tunnel... but just how long is this darn tunnel?
7 comments:
You have had a lot of experience knowing that one foot in front of the other is the only way that is possible. From where I stand, that lesson, learned through much pain is the beginning of learning all the other lessons of how to get on with life.
I too wish there was a way to help with the loneliness. The maelstrom image is way too evocative. Be strong and come out the other side safely Faline.
Just saying stay strong, and I am praying for you, your children, and your upcoming surgery. Rely on the Lord for strength.
Hugs and Prayers,
Cynthia
You'll be fine, Faline. And yes, "Relie on The Lord".
Anne
I will be counting down with you. It will be nothing short of utter relief. My best for your final stretch of the journey.
Yay exciting! Yes it will probably be more real as more time goes by. ;)
I am soooo excited for you!
I have been following your blog for some time, now....and always look forward to reading your insights!!
I have my initial consultation with Dr. Brassard on Nov. 14th, so (if you don't mind), I may drop in to Asclépiade to see how you are doing, and try to cheer you on!!
Hope the next 38 days just fly by!!!
Huggzzz
Danielle
@Danielle... See? Now it's 38 days in the blink of an eye. :) Sure, pop in and say hello.
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