Was on another site this morning, where someone had posted a link to a news article where a boy did something unspeakable to a young girl, and the boy's father then did something unspeakable to the boy. I read the vitrolic comments posted to the thread, and felt tired. This news story made me feel nothing but sadness for all parties involved in the situation, and made me wonder what all the posters to the thread were gaining, by expressing such anger about it.
I started thinking about this feeling of tiredness I got from reading those angry posts, and anger in general. I think it is fair to say, that I've been an angry person most of my life. I can recall many moments where reacted to things in a very over-the-top, angry way. I recall an old boss at work asking me, "why are you always so ANGRY?" I'm going through a divorce, and have been carrying around a lot of anger about her, things she's done or not done, etc., for the past year and a half, at least. I am tired of being angry with my STBX. It doesn't do me, nor the children, nor her, any good. I'm tired of anger, in general.
I never really connected it to anything gender-related, until recently. It's not that I think of anger as a masculine thing, that I am letting go of because I am exploring the feminine. Anger is neither a masculine nor a feminine trait, to me.
For me, what it is all about, is the built-up anger of having an imbalanced body and brain for 30+ years. It builds and builds inside you, eating away at you, although you don't even realize it. And then your aunt contradicts you on something you asked the kids to do, in front of the kids, and you explode at her, in front of the entire family... exacerbating the situation, embarrassing yourself. and doing nothing whatsoever to make you feel any better. I remember being so enraged and worked-up over this, that my hands were literally shaking.
Now that I am exploring gender in a healthy way, and allowing myself to be myself, it is affording me the opportunity to let all that anger go. It is a wonderful feeling/realization to have. To be certain, I'm sure I will have my moments, as one doesn't change from an angry person to a calm, level-headed person overnight... but as my brain and my body get closer to that elusive balance I seek, those moments of rage will dissipate.
Went to the GIG in Baltimore last night... got dressed at home, drove up there as Faline. I took a couple pictures at home, many of which I were very pleased with, and in fact, is my avatar here. First picture I've taken that I looked at, and actually thought I looked kind of pretty. That gave me a little boost of confidence, going up there, meeting all new people. A couple I had talked to on PE, or seen at MAGIC, but no one I really knew. I kept looking at myself in the vanity mirror on the way up, and I really liked the way I look. For better or for worse, the appearance thing is important to me.
Anyway, I enjoyed the group... seemed much less heavy than the other group that I have attended... I will definitely be going back. I even contributed a little bit. I felt welcomed and accepted. Didn't expect otherwise, but nonetheless, a good feeling. The group goes out to dinner afterwards at a place a few blocks away. So we all walk over and are chatting, head into the place, sit down, chat a little more, and all of a sudden it occurs to me, that this is the first time I've been out in public with my wig, as Faline.
And it didn't really feel any different, or strange, or self-conscious, or anything. The first group I attended en femme, I felt like I was pretending to be something or someone I was not... didn't feel that way at all last night. It felt like "me," which was terrific. Something which at times so far, has been elusive in this process. After the meeting, many of the group went to dance, but I had a good ride back to VA, and it was well past midnight, so I headed out. Next time I'll go to the Hippo, or whatever it is, and wear something a little cuter. maybe even a skirt.
I can't wait to go out again. My feeling is that the more I go out, the more I will want to go out, as I get more and more comfortable with my presentation. When I get the voice stuff taken care of, it could be game over.
I *think* that's a good thing.
P.S. I didn't wear my purple pants and sweater. I think I need to bag the turtleneck sweaters... I definitely wear them to hide things. I am tired of hiding things.
This website I'm on, most of the posts from the girls are so philosophical, so heavy, many negative... I get tired of that. I come to my blog and read it over, and although not negative, it is so pensive and heavy. Part of this journey is supposed to be fun!! Or, most of it. I'll go through the same thoughts time and time again in my head, and get nowhere. It's stupid. It's a waste of time and energy. I'm going to take a break from thinking so much about stuff, trying to "figure things out..." and for a little while just try to enjoy things. So there.
Tonight am going to a meeting up in Baltimore, afterwards there's dinner and perhaps some club afterwards. Not so sure about the club, but I'm doing to dinner. I was told that if you go to the club, it means you are out until 2 AM, which means I wouldn't get home until 3:30-ish. and that's a little late for this chica. Anyway, I'm going to girl it up, I'm going to try to look as pretty as I can, and going to be me and enjoy myself. I am going to wear my purple sweater and cords. Yay for purple pants!! :P
I might even put a picture of myself up here and maybe an avatar. Kinda waiting to do that until the shadow is less noticeable, but we'll see how I look.
In therapy the other night, my therapist said a few things that make me think the she thinks I am a transsexual, or am going to transition. A couple examples.
- she encouraged me to start working on a letter to my sister... I've expressed a couple times that I want to talk to her about this, but don't know what I'd say that I *am*.
- she encouraged me to suggest to a great friend (who knows) that she call me Faline.
- I said something about my kind-of-changing appearance & my family and she said something like, "well, they are seeing a beautiful woman."
I can't tell if she is encouraging me in these ways because she thinks it would be good for me to explore, or because in the few sessions we've had, she thinks that I am at heart, a trans woman. I'm scared that she thinks I am a trans woman, and I'm more scared that she's right. Fuck.
Obviously I need to discuss this with her... the thing is, all those things above... I like. I like the idea of sharing this with my sister, and I like the idea of friends calling me Faline, but at the same time, am terrified to do either of them, and don't want to be pushed into doing them, before I am ready. Once I cross that line with my sister, I can't ever take it back... regardless of where this ends up, it'll always be out there.
Thinking and wondering... do I really have gender identity disorder? Let's see. The diagnostic criteria are...
1. Strong and persistent cross-gender identification
Been cross-dressing in one way, shape or form since I was 6. It has ebbed and flowed, but it has been pretty much a constant in my life. And at times, it has been very strong. Check.
2. Persistent discomfort about one's assigned sex or a sense of inappropriateness in the gender-role of that sex
I've always felt more comfortable around women. I don't think I've ever really felt like one of the guys. My close friends have pretty much all been women. When, especially lately, I am around guys sharing "war stories" about women, the first thought that comes to my mind is "Pigs." Discomfort? Perhaps. I have a discomfort with my male body. I don't hate it, but there are things I'd like to change about it. Personality-wise, I kind there is some discomfort in the fact that I can't really "let myself go," like restraining certain innate characteristics. Check, kind of.
3. The diagnosis is not made if the individual has a concurrent physical intersex condition.
I don't have Kleinfelter's, nor am I a hermaphrodite. Check.
4. Clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
This one is hard to say. I don't think I can honestly say I've ever felt 100% happy, or content. I definitely think there have been times where I have isolated myself because of this... the gender stuff definitely impacted the dissolution (albeit indirectly) of my marriage. There were many times when I would wait for my wife to fall asleep and I'd then sneak out of the house and go driving cross-dressed... end up getting only 2-3 hours of sleep, for example. I ran up about $20,000 in credit card debt when I first started working, mostly by buying women's clothing, purging, and repeating. There have been times when I have been obsessed with gender stuff. In college, during Senior Week, my friends all lived in townhouses, I lived in the dorms. During that week, all the underclassmen were gone and I was literally the only one in the dorm. I didn't go to any Senior Week stuff... I isolated myself in the dorm and cross-dressed all week. I've done some things that I am not very proud of, trying to express this other side of me... in a way that is not healthy. Not sure if any or all of this is "clinically significant distress," or not.
Might be a case where the whole is greater than the sum of its' parts. Meaning when I look back at all the crap in my life caused by this, I think it is significant. Check?
So, I am pretty sure that I have GID. Like, 90% sure.
Taking the kids to visit the family from Thurs-Mon. in NY. I'm in Virginia and see my family 4-5 times a year, probably. I would really like to talk to my sister about all this. She knows that I've had gender issues before, but I suspect she thinks they are in the past. But, I really don't know. I want to confide in her, but I'm not really sure exactly what I would confide, since I really haven't figured anything out. I don't know how she'd react. I mentioned something to her along these lines about 10 years ago, and her response was that she didn't know if her husband could or would want to see me "like that." But, things change over 10 years' time... you never know. I've also mentioned stuff like this to my Mom and Dad, also about 10 years ago. Mom's response was that she didn't know if she could see me like that, and Dad's was that I'd still be his child, and that he'd still love me. 1 out of 3 isn't bad, I guess.
I guess.
I wonder if they will perceive that I act any differently. One of my female friends, who knows, said she's noticed more feminine hand gestures, etc., lately with me. Well, whether or not I do talk to my sister about it, this will be on my mind all weekend. Being with family... wondering what it would be like, or how many of them would still want to be around me... if I did decide to transition.
I think that every time I go up there now, I'm going to think, "this could be the last non-fucked up visit I have with my family."
Well, I am going up at Xmas, and I wouldn't come out to them then, so many this could be the penultimate non-fucked up visit. :)
Went as a cat for Halloween. A GG friend of mine and I decided to be cats together... matching makeup/ears/tail/fishnets. Fun. Last year I went en femme for Halloween, but hated it, since I didn't really want anyone to know about my other side... so I chose something that looked ridiculous, orange wig, bad makeup... looked awful. This year my goal was to actually look cute. And I think I succeeded... when another friend of mine showed up, her first reaction when she saw me was, "who's that new girl?" Then she realized who the cat was and she told me over and over what a beautiful woman I made, I was hot, etc. Got lots of compliments on my hair.
Last year, it was very obvious that I was a guy doing a caricature of a woman. This year, although still pretty obvious, most people looked at me, and I could tell they weren't sure at first. So that was pretty cool. I didn't get the sense that any of my friends suspected anything. But then again, they probably wouldn't have let on, if they did. Somehow though, I suspect I wanted people to wonder, or even "figure stuff out." I mean, c'mon people. That wig looked GOOD on me... do you really think I got it at a Halloween store? :)
