After the last few times going out, I really feel like I am over my wig. It's a good wig, but at the end of the day it's still a wig, and it looks like a wig. I still need to wear it when I go out to present as female... without it, I'm not sure exactly what I'd look like... but it's not female. And even when I wear it... sometimes I pass, sometimes I don't. Like today at Banana Republic I got sirred. And it's like, well, what's the point of wearing this wig, which I'd prefer not to wear, if I am going to get sirred? I can get sirred very well without the wig, thankyouverymuch. :P I really feel like I let myself go more and act more like my true self, when I'm not wearing it.
I'm not really looking forward to the hot summertime... between the wig, all the foundation I still need to wear, lack of summer clothes and money to purchase some, and the still hirsute me, I wonder if it makes much sense to spend lots of time attempting to present as female over the summer. I shaved my chest on Thursday, and then again today. Serious razor burn. I can't do that all summer.
I mean, I don't need to do it, present as female, to validate myself. I know who I am. Maybe I just wait 6 months or so, let the hormones work, get more facial hair removed, maybe get my chest lasered, work on my voice, and then re-emerge in the fall/winter. My hair will hopefully be around 6-6.5" then, which ought to help. There are other things I can do to express myself in the meantime.
I dunno. I'll have to let this roll around in my head for a bit and see how it feels. It could be an overreaction to getting "sirred" for the second time.
N.B.: I cannot afford anything in Banana Republic. I go there to try things on to see what works, and find cheaper versions of similar elsewhere.
The last couple of days I've been wondering something like "I wonder what's going to become of me?" I wonder if I'll have the guts to transition. I wonder how my relationship with my kids will be. I wonder if I am going to end up alone. I wonder if someday I'll look back at this year and think wow, that was the year that changed my life for the better! or wow, that was the year I completely f***ed up my life!
For Xmas, my aunt got me this plant-in-a-box. You water it, put it in the sun, and after a while, it blooms. It grew a lot bigger than I thought it would, a lot faster than I thought it would. The buds appeared about a week ago. Yesterday the first flower opened up. There were 7 more buds yet to open. It was really starting to become pretty... the lone feminine thing in my otherwise bachelor-looking townhouse, which btw, I am starting to hate.
I got home from work, and my plant on the kitchen floor. It fell off the counter. The plant is pretty much destroyed, the buds broke off, etc. It grew too much too fast and I didn't put stakes in it, or whatever you're supposed to do, to make sure this doesn't happen. And the past couple days I'd walk past it and notice it was really leaning... I almost knew it was going to fall, but I didn't do anything about it, I just let it fall.
I'm normally not one to read into stuff, or think that someone is trying to tell me something, but the symbolism is hard to ignore. Stupid plant. I actually started crying.
I don't feel like cleaning it up right now.
So it's been a big month-and-change for me.
I've started HRT, started electrolysis, came out to all my friends, came out to my STBX, and gotten (very) comfortable with being myself in public. Plus, I've had a pending divorce hanging over my head for 2 1/2 years of being separated, and this week I went and gave my deposition, which is the last step. All these things have been huge weights off. I got a full 8 hours' sleep last night, for the first time in well over a year.
Typically, what I'd do next, is think/agonize about the "next step," and I had started doing that... next step being telling immediate family. Letter? In person? One at a time? Separately? Include this detail? Include that detail? Sign it "Faline?" "T?" "TAK?" "me?" I started driving myself crazy once again. Such angst. But... over the past couple of days, have felt the need to tell them soon go away a bit. I thought about a comment that a PE member left on a blog of mine where she wondered about what a "break" would do for me. I like the that idea.
I feel content in where I am at this point in time, and all the things I've accomplished in the past month or so are just those... accomplishments! And instead of stressing about next steps, I am going to take some time to just appreciate and enjoy where I am right now. No doubt I'll do some reflection... but it will be that, reflection. Not agonzing, over-analyzing, over-thinking. I feel peaceful this morning. A feeling which has escaped me for quite some time. I wonder if the hormones are helping with that. No matter, though.
I've said in the past to myself, "Faline, there's no rush to do this or do that," and this morning for the first time, I actually believe and understand that concept. It is also a liberating, weight-removing feeling. I'm going to control my transition. Not let it control me.
Has been a little over 2 weeks on hormones. Haven't noticed a thing, wasn't expecting to yet. My blood pressure was good all last week which meant I am allowed to step up to 2.5 mg of the Premarin daily, started that on Friday last.
So my endo coded things in such a way that it would be covered. I got the explanation of benefits and suffice it to say, I'm very fortunate. Note that I had an extra visit to a hematologist + blood tests, to rule out a blood clotting disorder, since I had a clot about a year ago. That about doubled what the expense would have been.
endo office visit: 400
hema office visits (2): 490
blood work: 5200 (!!!!)
first time getting scripts filled: ~300 (?)
So that's a total of around 6400 and change, just to get started. I ended up paying 400.
