accept. embrace. live.

So it's been a big month-and-change for me.

I've started HRT, started electrolysis, came out to all my friends, came out to my STBX, and gotten (very) comfortable with being myself in public. Plus, I've had a pending divorce hanging over my head for 2 1/2 years of being separated, and this week I went and gave my deposition, which is the last step. All these things have been huge weights off. I got a full 8 hours' sleep last night, for the first time in well over a year.

Typically, what I'd do next, is think/agonize about the "next step," and I had started doing that... next step being telling immediate family. Letter? In person? One at a time? Separately? Include this detail? Include that detail? Sign it "Faline?"  "T?" "TAK?"  "me?" I started driving myself crazy once again. Such angst. But... over the past couple of days, have felt the need to tell them soon go away a bit. I thought about a comment that a PE member left on a blog of mine where she wondered about what a "break" would do for me. I like the that idea.

I feel content in where I am at this point in time, and all the things I've accomplished in the past month or so are just those... accomplishments! And instead of stressing about next steps, I am going to take some time to just appreciate and enjoy where I am right now. No doubt I'll do some reflection... but it will be that, reflection. Not agonzing, over-analyzing, over-thinking. I feel peaceful this morning. A feeling which has escaped me for quite some time. I wonder if the hormones are helping with that. No matter, though.

I've said in the past to myself, "Faline, there's no rush to do this or do that," and this morning for the first time, I actually believe and understand that concept. It is also a liberating, weight-removing feeling. I'm going to control my transition. Not let it control me.