accept. embrace. live.

Things are getting interesting.  Over the past, say two weeks, the hormones have definitely kicked in, and started doing their stuff.  I'm a Tanner II now, but the biggest thing I've noticed, are the emotions.  Oh my goodness, the emotions.

From Monday morning until yesterday afternoon, I was a WRECK.  I've never experienced anything like this before.  Here's part of an email I sent to a friend, and then forwarded to another:

So I got in the car to drop kids off, had an enya CD in there, a song I've been listening to a lot lately. Which the kids like, so bonus. Anyway, the first couple notes come on and I got that feeling again... "oh no, not again, here it comes... really? really? just 2 seconds ago I was totally fine." Held it together more or less until I dropped them off.   then the floodgates opened.

worst one yet. a full hour and a half. it was so bad that twice I had to pull the car over because I was shaking so much and couldn't see for the tears, and I was afraid I was going to get into an accident. stayed in the parking lot at work for 25 minutes. couldn't stop and didn't really want to stop, but I had to get into work. pulled myself together, got into work, got in a meeting, and almost had to leave twice because I felt it again, even felt at one point like I was going to vomit. it's not even close to being all the way out. I'm on the verge of tears and feel a little sick to my stomach. I don't know what the child psych thing will be like tonight.

I don't want to be here today.  I don't know what is going on. I don't feel depressed or even down but I feel subdued, pensive, something that I can't put my finger on. I don't feel sad but I feel incredibly emotional.  

My friend Laura said it sounded like I had PMS.  She was being serious.  So there's Monday morning for you.  Monday night, my wife and I had a meeting with a child psychologist to talk about how we'll handle this with the kids.  Which is great, but it's emotional.  I broke down once at the meeting.  Got home, was feeling OK, screwed around online while having a few glasses of wine (BIG mistake), then around 11:30 in the PM, it hit me again.  Overtiredness, alcohol, hormones, all these things joined forces to send me into a state even worse than the one described above.  Sitting on the floor of my kitchen, wondering where this uncontrollable river of tears was coming from; going outside and crying because the cloudy sky made me feel lonely; looking at all the pictures of the kids around the room, crying more... This lasted until about 2:30 AM.  I wrote this self-pitying poem and posted it on here, which I have since removed.  Woke up at 6:30 AM, more tears, more body wracked with tears... got to work, more crying in the parking lot, emotional on and off at work.  I finally decided to go read my inspires on my triathlon site mid-afternoon, and this one really made my jaw drop, from a woman I've only recently met.  Anyway, this was the beginning of pulling me out of this...

"I wish we lived closer. I have some stuff that's making me sad right now. I don't really want to talk about it, I just want a friend to walk beside me and quietly understand. I think we'd be good company for each other.

I wish you peace in the midst of the storm today."

That actually made me appreciate all that do I have, and all that I am going to have, going forward.  I mean, had I not been going through this, it's likely I wouldn't have made this new connection, with this wonderful, empathetic woman. And so I emerged from the temporary whatever-it-was.  Nothing about my life changed before this, or after it.  Wild, wild stuff.  But you know what?  These emotions feel more right to me.  Granted, if things stay that extreme, we'll talk to the endo, but having these emotions, being able to cry when I want, having that cathartic release, is most definitely the right thing for me.