accept. embrace. live.

My wife and I separated about 2 1/2 years ago.  The mere thought of dating was exhausting.  The last thing I wanted to do was get involved with someone.  I wanted nothing to do with entanglements of any sort.  So I stayed away from the dating scene, with one small fling/blip.  Then I started down this TG path, and noticed that little by little, I was starting to view women more just as friends.  Instead of thinking, "damn!  she's cute!!" I thought, "damn!!  I love her shoes!!"  I have many attractive, funny, smart, easygoing female friends, and I truly wasn't attracted to any of them.  The last thing I was interested in was anything romantic.  And let's face it... with all that's going on with me, it's not the best time.  At times I wondered when, or if, I would meet someone who piqued my interest on more than just a "fun" level.

I've become closer recently with one particular friend who possesses one of the brightest spirits that I've been fortunate enough to know.  She's truly an amazing person.  I typically don't draw inspiration from others; it's more of an internal thing for me. But I do from her.  I notice things lately.  I notice myself daydreaming about this or that... notice myself thinking about her....       a lot.  I wonder what to make of it.  It's not a physical/sex^* thing... but whatever it is, it's different than feelings I've had for other female friends as of late.  For many reasons, not the least of which is, um, the fact that I am changing genders and as far as I know, she's straight, nothing would come of it.  Along with the fact that we're both going through a divorce, have multiple children, and live far apart.^**  Other than those tiny impediments, no problem.

Less important to me than the answer to questions such as "would this work out?  could this work out?", is the answer to the question, yes, you will meet someone who piques your interest, and yes, things are going to be OK for you in the long run.  Have I wondered about the would it/could it questions?  Of course.  Seriously, who wouldn't?  That said, I view her as a friend, albeit one for whom I have somewhat different feelings at times. :)  It's nice to have these little thoughts, palpitations, whatever they are.  She makes me smile.  She gives me hope.  Not necessarily for she and I, but for my future.  Hope *does* die last.

At some point, she will read this, maybe today, maybe in a week, maybe two, and I hope it makes her smile.  Because she'll know, without a doubt, that I am talking about her.<sup>***

* Well, maybe a cuddle.  Cuddling's good.
** Approximately 611 miles in the car, according to Google Maps.
*** I mean, it's not like I haven't dropped a gazillion hints.  But you didn't need them anyway. :)</sup>