accept. embrace. live.

I've been putting too much pressure on myself to write thoughtful posts lately. It gets exhausting. I get tired of thinking so much! This post is just going to be about what's going on. Things are pretty good, the whole preschool thing excepted. Work is going very well... it feels like nothing at all has changed. Part of that is because I'm on this project with 4 guys, none of whom are social. They all treat me exactly the same as they did before. Which is good, I suppose. I wish I worked with some women. I had lunch with our HR director, whom I refer to as "my HR angel," the other day. Was great to see her... we have a great relationship and talked about a lot of non-work stuff. Very cool.

My voice is really bothering me. I've neglected it and it shows. It is nowhere near where it should be and I have no one to blame but myself. I got sirred twice today. At least I think I got sirred. One had a thick Vietnamese accent, the other Middle Eastern, but I'm pretty sure I heard a "sir" in there. One of the sirrings was after the guy called me "ma'am," and then I spoke. Seriously? Even if my voice sounds like crap, why would you call someone that is obviously trying to present female, "sir?" Ugh. I really need to work on it. Can't explain why I haven't. I worked on it for about a month a little while back, but lost my voice mojo. So that's something I need to get moving on.

Hmmm, what else. I need to get started on hair removal "down there." I am absolutely dreading it. I think I will probably end up having surgery with McGinn or Leis. They both work out of Philly and I have a few friends in that area who could help with rides and dilation and such. Haha!! Kidding about the dilation, of course. Hopefully as close to a year from now as possible. Now that I am full-time, it bothers me a lot more than it has in the past. Without it, whoa, too many pronouns there... I mean without having had surgery, I feel like somewhat of an impostor, or that I am less of a woman. I wonder how I will feel afterwards. Anyway, I am starting that process... the research, consultations, figuring out how I am going to pay for it, assuming I am unable to get my company to uncheck the "Discriminate against transgender people?" box on our health insurance policy.

My daughter's school has what they call Parentgarten next week... the kids "teach" the parents. S. asked me if I was going to go. I didn't know what to say. I'd love to go, but it is in the middle of the work day and I am a little gun-shy after this whole preschool thing. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it has shaken me up a little bit. I'm stumbling around in the dark a bit right now with respect to school and the kids. I don't feel that I have anyone I can talk to about it who is truly impartial. How involved to be? I didn't cry when she asked me about it, but I know she sensed that I was a little upset. After we talked about it, she came over and "gave me love," her sweet way of saying cuddles and hugs and kisses. I got very teary-eyed at that point, but she wasn't aware, I don't think.

I've been on hormones for almost 9 months now. The past month or two, it feels like things are stagnating. I've not been as emotional and am very dissatisfied with the growth of the girls. I'm on Premarin and it seems like everyone else is on estradiol. And my "drive" is returning, which I don't like. It is returning slowly and is nowhere even remotely near where it used to be, but I don't really like it. I'll see my endo in March and we'll talk about estradiol then.

Overall, things are good. I will be glad when the "major" transitioning things are done and I've figured out how to best handle this with my children and school.