accept. embrace. live.

Months ago I wrote about how it appeared that my sexual orientation changed from that of a straight man to that of a straight woman. For the past year-and-a-half or so, I've solely been attracted to men. To be certain, these attractions were purely physical attractions, and for the most part, still are. As I've developed emotional connections with women through my transition, I've always wondered how it would be possible to develop the sort of close emotional connection with a man, that I can and do with women. But my feelings towards women have been exclusively platonic during this time.

Well, transition appears to have thrown me yet another curve ball. There's a woman that I've come to know over the past three months or so and I feel incredibly drawn to her. I've only met her once; in fact, I have trouble remembering what she looks like. But we've spoken on the phone many times. We're continually finishing each others' sentences, we seem to think alike, we just connect. A little while ago, we had a bit of a disagreement but quickly got back on the same page. She said something like "See, even when we fight, we end up agreeing." I find myself daydreaming about her... a lot. Not in a sexual way. Although I have imagined kissing her. It's quite a pleasant thought.

We have a business relationship, and for now and the next few months, even if these feelings of mine were reciprocated, it wouldn't be appropriate for us to have a personal relationship outside of the business stuff, even a friendship. So any of that will have to wait, if it's meant to be at all. I do know that she loves my sense of humor, that she thinks I'm pretty, and that she has a lot of respect for me. All good things. :)

She's a single mom, a couple years older than me, and although we've not gotten into too much personal stuff, I don't sense that there's a man in her life. Through her work, she is very involved in and passionate about LGBT-related causes, which makes me think at the very least, she's bi. I was talking about my feelings with my therapist, and she suggested that a bisexual woman would be less likely to be put off by the fact by my history than someone who is exclusively straight or lesbian. I tend to agree with that.

This post, I suppose, isn't so much about this specific person as it is about me and how things change as one transitions. The more I think about it, I think the way it's going to go for me is that I will be attracted and drawn to someone's soul. The body containing that soul, whether it is a male or a female body, might not matter so much to me. We'll see how everything shakes out after surgery. There are bound to be a few more twists and turns to this story.