OK. My ex-wife seems intent on driving me absolutely batty, so I need to write about something that will: a) put a smile on my face and b) use as few brain cells as possible. So please excuse me if this post sounds like it has come straight out of the PINK FOG.
I went shopping this evening for some birthday presents for my kids. About 8 months ago, my son saw a picture of a truck with a conveyor-belt loading thing in the Richard Scarry book I was reading him. I loved Richard Scarry when I was little. Anyway, he decided that he simply must have this truck. I've looked and looked, and been asked 10 times if I found his truck yet, but alas, no truck. I was in luck tonight, as the toy store at the mall actually had one! It cost $60, but I had no choice in the matter. They didn't have anything that I thought my daughter would like, so I decided to go shop for some work clothes. Meh.
I tried on a couple things and they looked hideous. I felt fat. On the bright side, they might have enhanced my ability to be seen as myself, as two of the skirts made me look pregnant. But, I am not pregnant, and I don't care to adorn myself in clothes which make me look like I am.
So I soldiered on. I grabbed a couple other outfits off the rack, and was walking past the "hip" section, the section which just might be a tad out of my age range, and I saw this peasant dress. It just kind of reached out as I walked by and smacked me. So so cute. Split neckline, little tassled ties, ruffled hem, sleeve length that looked like it might work on me. So cute, and so not appropriate for work. Too short, too bohemian, too fun. Oh, and too expensive. But, I figured what the hell, I'll grab it and try it on for fun.
I tried it on, and it looked adorable! Too adorable. Quite a bit shorter than other stuff I have but not inappropriately short. Cute-short. I put it back on the rack, though, as I was there for work clothes. I wandered around for about 15 more minutes and the little voice in my head talked to me about my dress. Whoops. Um, I mean that dress. Not my dress. Hmm, maybe you could wear it to work in the Fall with thick brown tights and boots. You might be able to get away with it, you know. So it is kind of for work, really. Ooh ooh ooh. You know that mustard-colored bag your sister got you for your birthday? It would go perfectly with this dress. If you think about it, it'd be a sin *not* to get it. You never find anything with patterns that you like. In fact, you were thinking this morning how boring your work clothes are. Yeah, I think you ought to get it.
You know the rest of the story, of course. I even changed into it after I bought it and did a little more shopping. So it ended up being a productive shopping trip. Although I need to get a little better at rebutting that little voice in my head.
It's been a pretty good weekend. I don't write too many "So This Is What I Did This Weekend" posts, but I am writing one today. Had a nice phone call with a dear friend on Saturday, a friend who unfortunately lives in Montana. I think if we lived closer, we'd be like sisters. After that, I caught up with another friend for about an hour, and we resolved to try and talk a little more often.
Then I had 8 people over for dinner... 6 of my triathlon friends, and my friend Gail and her husband. 'Twas a great evening... the food turned out to be very yummy, there was a lot of laughing all night, just a really good group of people. I was fairly quiet; I was happy just puttering back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, being the hostess. There were a couple pronoun slipups here and there, but it didn't bother me too much. When you tell someone when your surgery date is, and the first thing she does is email her scheduler and tell said scheduler not to put anything on the calendar that week, the last thing you're going to do is fret about a pronoun. :)
Today I needed to do some clothes shopping... Lord and Taylor was having a sale, and I had a coupon, so I went there to find a spring jacket. There's no "jacket section," they're just strewn about the store. So I enlisted the help of the nearest saleslady. We're walking along and she asks me, "Are you a weightlifter?" Now, in the past, this would have instantly freaked me out... I probably would have blurted out that I was trans. But, I'm getting more comfortable with myself. I smiled and told her that I used to swim a lot for triathlon, which is true. She seemed admiring of my stature. I smiled and stood up just a little bit straighter.
She showed me 7 or 8 jackets, and there was a Michael Kors one that jumped out at me... exactly what I was looking for... lightweight, off-white, embellished but not *too* embellished, cinched waist, hoodie, very cute. She went and helped someone else while I kept looking. The Kors one ended up being the winner. We were chatting about Project Runway (the whole Kors association) while I was paying. Afterwards, she told me that I ought to be the one modelling. It blows my mind when someone tells me something like that. Blows. My. Mind. I guess it's because I'm tall?
Heidi Klum and company need not worry, though. If I was a model, here is what would ensue...
Ciao!!
It's a busy time right now. I'm tired of writing deep, meaningful posts. My brain is maxed out at the moment, so this one might be a bit "newsy." I don't really like newsy posts. I can never think of a good title. Whatever.
I went to visit a dear friend last weekend... flew out to Chicago, first time as myself. Last year, I visited this same friend, before any of this. I knew her through my triathlon site, and flew out for a swim race. Last year when I was out there, she, I, and her future husband boyfriend were talking about how it was kind of funny that she invited some random Internet guy out to her place for the weekend. She said that she'd had a bunch of girls to visit, but never a guy. Haha. Little did we know. After I came out to her, we realized that even back then, we were becoming girlfriends. She's someone you just can't help but love. I'm very fortunate to have her as a friend.
Anyway... my driver's license picture is old. Like, three years old. Looks nothing like me. So armed with my carry letter (a letter written by a professional, explaining what is going on), I headed to the airport. Just a little bit of a hassle at Dulles... the TSA people were professional, but I had to talk with 3 people (!!) before they let me through. The second guy I talked to said that he'd never had this situation before. Oh well. Hopefully it will be easier for the next trans person that he sees. They did keep using "he" and "him," which was a little irritating. They weren't being intentionally obtuse, I don't think... this is just new to them. I will probably write the TSA a letter saying that while the agents were professional, perhaps a little education is in order.
The weekend itself, was a lot lot lot of fun. I need CLOTHES. Lots of them. So we shopped. Lots of shopping. Between Express, Ann Taylor, NY & Company, DSW, Gap, and Old Navy, I purchased around 20 tops and one pair of boots. I also ended up with a few more hand-me-down tops, and a dress. And flip-flops. And a scarf that I will use as a belt with jeans. I have no idea how I got this all in my single carry-on, which was fairly full to begin with. We shopped, we chatted (a lot!), we drank wine, we went out to dinner with her future husband boyfriend. I had no problems getting back through security at O'Hare, and made it home. Fun girls' weekend. The kind of weekend that cisgender women have likely had hundreds of. This was my first.
Now I have a few tops. I only have two pairs of pants, though. I still need skirts, pants, jeans, maybe a dress or two, and more shooz. And belts. Scarves. Unmentionables. Socks. Cheap jewelry. On and on and on. It will be fun to go shopping for it all, but it's a little overwhelming. My goal is to have enough for two weeks. Oh, and outerwear. I have no outerwear.
Hmmm, what else. I came out on my triathlon site. I've been on the site for over 4 years, am a moderator, and pretty well-known, so it was kind of a big deal. Really good response there, so far the post has close to 2300 views, and 65 or so comments, 100% supportive. Now, I'm not so naive as to think all the people who read my thread are supportive, but it went really well. I got a few kind private messages from people I've never before interacted with on the site, but knew me from my OCD copious postings over the years, and that was very cool. I also think that there must be other trans people on this site. And perhaps seeing how people responded to me, will help them.
As far as the actual work stuff goes, it's all good. My first day is October 25. I'm helping our HR department write gender transition guidelines, you know, because I have so much experience. Ha! Seriously, it is *very* cool that my transition has spurred this. The Monday morning that I go to work, am taking some friends out for breakfast. That'll be fun. A couple weeks after that, I invited a bunch of people over for dessert and drinks. That will also be fun. If anyone decides to RSVP. What is so difficult about RSVPing to something? You compare the dates on your calendar that you have stuff going on, with the dates on the invitation. If they overlap, you RSVP "no." If not, and you'd like to go, you RSVP "yes." If you don't want to go, you RSVP "no." It's not rocket science, people. People don't like to commit to things. That doesn't go over well with someone who has committed to changing her physical gender.
Hmm, the word "fun" or variants of it appear 8 times in this blog. Ok, that will be the title for this post. Usually I cannot deal with repetitiveness in my writing, which this particular blog entry is likely rife with. Like, "RSVP" above. It appears five times in one paragraph. And it jumps out at me because it is in CAPS. That's weak. I should change it. But I'm not going to. I'm too tired, and too happy. It's fine. :)
P.S. With this post, the labels "friends" and "happy" are now tied with "hair removal" for my most-used labels. I like this. :)
Went out and did some shopping as me last night... decided to experiment and wear something very nondescript, tiny earrings, minimal makeup, see how that worked out. I was out for about 3 hours, 4 different places, and got a mere single "look." Said lookee who I winked and smiled at.
My plan was to go full-time in maybe Fall of 2011, wait until I am done paying alimony. In 6-8 months' time, I don't know how I am going to pull this off... and by "pull this off," I mean pass for male. I will need to, for work. Last weekend I went to the mall presenting male, and got a couple confused looks. I need to start working on my voice, pronto.
Such irony. Such a "problem" to have. The next 12 months are going to be interesting. Stay tuned.
In the past 2-3 weeks, I have realized how blessed and fortunate I am. On many levels. Appearance is only one, and perhaps the least important.
I started at the GW voice clinic today... I live out on the burbs, so the best way to get downtown for me, is via Metro. It's helpful to come to the clinic in role, and I had the day off and time to get ready, so I went as me. I thought it would be a big deal... Faline's first time on the Metro. But, it wasn't. I need to stop being surprised by this! Took the Metro down there, walked the 4 blocks to GW, without incident, without looks, etc. I don't know if it is that I look good, or people just don't care, or what... I guess a little of both. At any rate, I didn't sense that I got read.
The girls at the clinic were very nice... they are used to TG people coming in, they're happy to help. Finished up the appointment, back on the Metro to my car, and I didn't feel like going home yet. So I went to the mall... tried a few things at Macy's and Penneys, but didn't buy anything. Which is good... I need to learn more about what looks good on me before I start buying tons of crap. :)
Then I got my eyebrows threaded... very cool. First time I've tried that. The woman at the spa suggested threading instead of waxing. I'd heard about it but never tried it. So I thought, ok, let's try it. It hurt a little bit, but not much, certainly no more than waxing, and afterwards you don't have the redness around your brows that screams to everyone, "I JUST GOT MY EYEBROWS WAXED!!" Then I stopped at the grocery store to get a couple things for the kids, and now it is laundry time. Yay! Anyway, today was a good day.
Last night at the support group meeting someone asked how to handle situations such as when you're out, and someone gives you a really wide-eyed look, or says something not-so-nice. One of the members of the group said that she, in essence, fights fire with fire, says things like, "oh, so you have a problem with people from Kentucky?" (I guess she is from Kentucky??)
I think this is terrible advice, and I said so. Get threatened, and be antagonistic back. Yeah, really smart. Nothing like exacerbating the situation. (I was a little more diplomatic about it in the meeting)
My advice? Just smile. Give them a big smile. Not a sarcastic smile, a genuine one. The first time I was out en femme, I was in JCPenney, and a couple approached. I got read. The woman kind of gasped, and I just looked her straight in the eye and smiled. She got this sheepish, almost embarrassed look on her face. Then I looked at the guy she was with and smiled at him. He gave me this almost knowing nod... I wondered for a moment, if he was one of us. And on we then went, about our business.
So, just smile. Turn the other cheek, so to speak. Advice from the inexperienced woman in the group. Yes, it's simplistic, and there are of course times when "just a smile" won't cut it. But, it's certainly preferable than jabbing back, I think.
My first time out as me in public was last weekend. Was such a good experience that I decided that I was ready to go again, this weekend. I put a note in my (non-TG) blog about it, hoping that one of my friends who "knows" might ask to come along. One of my really good friends, a relatively new friend, offered to come. She and I really *click* on a platonic level, and she was the one that I was hoping might come.
So I got all dolled up, she came over and we had a glass of wine first, and the somewhat surprising thing was that we were both totally comfortable. She said shortly after she came in, that I "looked beautiful." I don't quite know about that, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. I guess I shouldn't have been, but I continue to keep being surprised by things. I keep waiting to have some sort of weird feeling, or get really weird reactions from people, or totally freak someone out, but it hasn't happened yet, which is good. It will happen at some point, make no mistake about it, and I will deal with it as it comes.
Anyway, we went to the outlets... went to Banana Republic where she helped me find a cute top. I definitely need to shop with GGs more often. I keep waiting to get wide-eyed stares from people... hasn't happened yet. Didn't happen last night. The top my friend picked out, was something I wouldn't have picked myself. But it looked really cute on. I have so much to learn when it comes to clothes, etc. Then we went down to 9 West, and my friend got two pairs of boots. I could have easily bought a bunch of stuff there myself, but I don't really need any shoes right now, and I have to watch my money.
Then the next "first" was using the women's restroom. The outlets were pretty much deserted at that point, it was a little past closing time, so it was more or less safe. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable using the women's room when it is crowded. Anyway... peeing sitting down. Hmm, what to say about that. All I can say is that it's the only time I've laughed to myself when I've used the restroom. :)
Next "first" was going to Friday's after that for dinner. Still not getting any stares from people (that I noticed anyway)... the hostess said said something like "hello, ladies" when we came in, which felt nice. The overly-peppy waiter (think Brian from Chotchkie's) sat down right next to me when he first came to the table. Once I opened my mouth, the jig was up, but he just kept on being his overly-peppy self. As we sat there eating and chatting... what I was noticing, was that I didn't feel like Faline, or (insert male name here)... I just felt like I was being myself, I wasn't acting feminine, or masculine, I was just acting like me. So what I learned, is that I am totally comfortable and normal going out in public with close friends, and presenting as a woman, and I totally enjoy it. But, I didn't learn anything further about "who" the real me is. I still suspect I was holding back in terms of mannerisms, etc.
So, there you go. Two chicks going out shopping and to dinner. Normalcy. Good stuff.
So ever since the night I went up to the GIG in Baltimore as Faline, I've always wanted to go out shopping or whatever as her. There was always something in the way... bad time of day, too much beard shadow, my face looks too fat, yada yada yada. So I had a free night tonight and decided to dress up, and if I was comfortable with the way I looked, go shop.
So I got dressed up... and I wasn't all *that* comfortable with the way I looked... but... I thought to myself, you know, sometime you have to do this. You have to go, and see what it feels like. What's the worst that could happen? Some stranger snickers at you? So off I went. Strangely, I didn't feel all that nervous driving over. Got there, went into Lord & Taylor... and it wasn't exhilarating, or exciting, or scary, or anything I thought it might be. It felt... normal.
It was just nice to leisurely poke through clothes, try on bracelets, try on coats, without getting weird looks from people. And the surprising part to me, was that I didn't get weird looks. Which I am still pretty surprised at. Well, I got one or two, maybe. But no eyes-popping-out-of-the-head looks. To me, it is very obvious that I am not a genetic female. I didn't venture into the dressing rooms... not because of fear, but because I didn't really find anything that I thought I might buy. Gotta watch my money. And also, this trip wasn't about "clothes" per se... it was about going out in public as I perceive that I want, and seeing how it felt. I did find one coat at Lord & Taylor that I really liked... but it cost something like $160. Can't afford that.
I kept my head up, looked people in the eye, smiled, and acted like I belonged there. Which I do, of course, but you know what I mean. Women smile... they keep their heads up... I walked confidently and casually. I'm actually pretty proud of myself.
Then I headed down to JCPenney and found a cute bracelet. Went over to a register and the guy says, "Sorry ma'am, we're not open, you can go over to that one." Totally normal... just what I had hoped for. Treated me like anyone else. I did find a few things at JCP that I wanted to try on, so I did. I liked one of the tops, but didn't get it... this purple sequiny ruched sleeveless top, but I don't know where I would wear it. I might go back and get it, though... one of my GG friends has mentioned going into DC together sometime. That'd be fun.
Was going to go to one more store, but decided that this was a great first experience, and that I would call it a night.
What I found with this... as I am finding with everything as I keep exploring, is that it's not the big deal I make it out to be in my head. My therapist always says "you know, people might surprise you!" when I fret about how someone might react to this, or that. I keep getting consistently surprised... in a good way.
N.B.: When I say it felt "normal," this is not the same as meh... whatever. I'm really happy with how things went. The fact that it felt normal to me, makes me really happy.
Had a consultation today for facial hair removal... down in Old Town. It went pretty well, and I think I am going to do it. We will be doing one treatment every six weeks, plus a free touchup around the lips/chin area three weeks after each main treatment. The total cost of the package is $1500, which seems reasonable from other checking around I've done. And we will supplement it with electrolysis... I have a consultation at another place on Monday which is a little closer... but I did feel pretty comfortable at AHA. I will weigh everything and pick one. It is going to be a long process.
After my consultation, I did a little shopping in Old Town... bought my first piece of "real" jewelry... a silver chain with a blue Labradorite pendant... I think it looks nice on. Loved the look of the chain laying against my skin. I can't do this very often, though. Money is going to be at a premium over the next few years, and I need to be smart.
Am meeting a TG friend today that my counselor introduced me to. Should be interesting.
