accept. embrace. live.

I have an appointment with an endo this coming Tuesday, and I didn't realize you were supposed to dress for it.  Martha recommended that I do, which I am excited about... this will be the first interaction I've had with non-TG people who will only be seeing Faline.  Martha showed me my letter, and it referred to "Ms. K*****" throughout the letter, and used "she" and "her," and it felt right, and it felt comfortable.  "Mr." feels neither right nor comfortable to me anymore.

In our last session, Martha had stepped in and "corrected" me, changing the word "if" to "when," when I had said "if I end up transitioning..."  (going full-time) and I asked her what she meant by that.  She asked me if her saying that made me uncomfortable.  I told her it did, at first, but it forced me to think more about it.  Anyway, she said that she thinks I am going to end up going full-time.  And I agree with her.  I wasn't really swayed by her opinion per se, but I knew deep-down, that was what she meant, and her saying that, along with some comments on another website, really forced me to think about this; think about why I wasn't accepting it.  I think it was more because of perceived barriers... financial, family, friends... none of which are reasons to prevent going forward.

I've been thinking in different ways... visualizing being successful... visualizing conversations with friends and family... visualizing my successful life as a woman.  Whereas before, when I thought about this, I thought in terms of barriers.  Make no mistake about it, this isn't going to be a walk in the park.  There are difficult times ahead.  But that knowledge is not going to prevent me from going forward.

I've done lots and lots of thinking over the past few days... and this is what I know...

• I want to go full-time at some point. 
• I think I will, in fact, go full-time at some point.
• I am not the type to sit on this type of thing. I go with it, and I move on.

So, this is a rough timeline for how the next couple of years might go for me...

Next 3-4 months... make sure that hormones are compatible with the rest of me.  See if I feel better, more complete.  Finish first round of facial laser hair removal, start electrolysis to get the greys.  Start spending (a lot) more time as me.  If I could afford it, I'd probably look into E3000... but I just don't have the money.

Summer 2010... find a way to fit voice lessons at GW into my schedule.  I think the voice is as important as beard removal.

Other things I'll be working on kind of on an ongoing basis... telling other people, working with my therapist and/or other professionals to introduce this to the kids... starting to tell family... etc.  Oh, and lose weight!! I was 155 in high school, ballooned to 205 after getting married, got down to 158 about three years ago, now am around 172.

Winter 2010... or once I've learned how to develop at least a gender-neutral voice, which will probably push this out a little bit... spend the majority of my time outside of work, and outside of kids' time, as me.  Including time with non-trans friends.  I'll need to find out who is "with me" on this.

Winter 2011... go full-time.  I'm not done paying alimony until 9/1/11, and I need to ensure that I stay at my current job until then.  I hope to transition at my current job, but you never know.  And who knows, maybe ENDA will have passed by then.  :)

Then find a way to afford SRS.

So, there you go.  There is a really rough timeline.  It might be optimistic... I'm sure it will change a bit, or a lot, as the case may be, but it's important to have a framework in my mind for what I want to accomplish over the next couple of years.

I'm a woman.  There is no point in denying it anymore.  I am going to be successful.  I am not afraid.  I am going to come out of it with the two things that are most important to me: 1) being myself, and 2) a great relationship with my kids.  Anything else is gravy.