I think this is going to be a frustrating time for a while. I can't go out as me, without tremendous effort, and I don't really want to go out as anyone other than me. I have a bunch of great friends, and I cannot be myself around them, and I hate that. I hate feeling fake. The stuff I've realized over the past few days, means these past few days have been among the most important of my life.
And there is only one (non TG) person with whom I feel comfortable sharing. I've told four people actually, but there is only one person who I feel like I can fully trust, and that "gets it." I was at lunch the other day with one of the people I told and was talking about what I'd wear for swim training... and she said something like, "I know. You want to wear a little tiny string bikini.." No! I don't. I just want to wear a swimsuit like any other woman would wear. She doesn't get it. Another friend I told, actually told someone else. WTF?? I can't trust her anymore. I don't even want to talk to her about it. And the fourth person, is freaked out.
I don't feel like hanging out with my friends. One of the things I dislike most, are fake people. And that's what I am right now... fake.
I'd really love to tell everyone... "this is me. I'm Faline. I'm a woman." and those who couldn't handle it, I'd lose, and (hopefully) others, I wouldn't... but at least I could be myself. Who knows, someday I might completely flip out, and do that.
I remember in my 20s, I didn't do all that well with women, and my mom asked me, "what is it with you? do you dislike women?" or something like that. And I even remember thinking then, no, it is that I am jealous of them. And that is how I feel now. Jealous. I had a less-than-good relationship with my sister while she was in her teens, and it was because I was jealous of her. Jealous that she was turning into a woman, and I was not.
I really wonder how I will make it through the coming months. I don't mean I'm going to do something stupid... nothing like that... more that I just wonder what the hell I am going to do with myself while I wait for things that take time, to happen.
I feel like I want to withdraw, to go away for a while, to disappear and re-emerge. Tonight I spent sitting in front of the computer with a few glasses of wine. Accomplished nothing... did nothing. I can't keep doing this every night. Today I ate breakfast with the kids, and had nothing else to eat all day. This won't scale.
this is what happens when I have 5 glasses of wine and get depressed... I ramble.
Posted by
Faline
3 comments:
Awww girl. *hugs*
I can relate. I hated keeping this secret and even now, when only my coworkers don't know, I hate keeping it from them. It's living a double life and like you said, fake. At work they only see the fake side now. But that'll soon be over.
As will it be with you girl. I totally understand your concern for telling others, I was very cautious about who I told when I first started figuring things out. Then there just came a point where I was able to fully accept myself and I knew what i needed to do and that there was no turning back.
At that point, I told everyone...I wrote a blog post that was public and sent facebook messages to most people I know. I took the chance of rejection and I found lots and lots of acceptance! It was amazing. Mind you, I did have many friends (and family) that didn't want to talk to me or see me again at that point...but you win some , you lose some. Either way, I got to be myself. That's what was important.
I hope that as you go through this time of trying to understand and work through things, that you do find self acceptance girl.
*hugs*
Faline, I often experience these same feelings so I can certainly relate. It is extremely difficult for me to when I am not able to present in my true gender and I do feel that I am being phony. I certainly do not like that feeling but I cope. I do look forward to the day that I can just be myself 100% of the time.
It is a long journey to get to that point where we can be who we truly are 100% of the time. There are certainly many trials and tribulations that we face. Once we have gotten to that point where we can live in our correct gender 100% of the time, I am sure that it will be well worth it in the end. In addition, we will also be a better person for it.
Stay positive girl--there is a rainbow at the end of the storm!
Hon, I am going to have to say, welcome to the "I am 'trans' club". Been there with the wine, and worse. All I can say is it is never as good as you think, nor as bad. In fact what you think is usually wrong for no other reason that you are not in control of what everybody else will think or do.
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