accept. embrace. live.

I have my appointment with the endo scheduled for two weeks from yesterday.  Pretty exciting.  I told my best GG friend and she was happy for me.  It still seems a little surreal at times that I am actually and finally doing this, after years of wanting it.  I wonder what I am going to do when it comes to swim training, in around 9 or 10 months.  It's weird... lately when I've gone to the pool, the past 2 or 3 times, I've wanted to put a towel over my chest or something.

At therapy yesterday, I said something like "well, if I decide to transition..." and my therapist said "you mean when you decide to transition..."  I definitely need to ask her what she meant by that.  I was chatting with my laser-ist at the last appointment and said something like, "... I'm not sure what I will end up doing," and she kind of laughed and said, "oh, I know what the script is going to be for you!"  In a nice way.  And I know what she meant by that.  That's kind of hard to get my head around. It's a fait d'accompli that I'm going to end up transitioning? The only thing that holds me back from agreeing with that, are my 4 and 2-year old kids. It's really hard to do something that is going to have such an impact on their life. And let's face it, it probably isn't going to make their lives any easier.  It makes me feel selfish at times.

Both of these people have seen and helped probably many, many transgender people... my therapist, over 500.  I wonder if they know me better than I know myself?  There have been so many (mostly mental) changes in me in the past four months... mostly because I've started accepting myself.  I still have a lot to learn, though, as I go down this path.