Back to the transition diary. That's how this all started. Apologies to Tasha, because much of this post is just an email that I wrote to her yesterday, with a few additions.
At therapy the other night, we talked about my recent malaise and loneliness, about how I can't be content to sit on the couch, in front of the TV and computer. Which is virtually all I've done for the past month or two when I'm not at work or with the kids. It's getting bad. I bring the laptop out to the kitchen with me when I make dinner, when I use the restroom for um, a longer period of time, when I go upstairs to get ready for work. Martha encouraged me to try to get out there and suggested volunteering to get myself up and out of the house, and maybe meet some people. Right now, I have absolutely zero social life. By choice, partially.
I'm getting back to that place that I was before I started coming out to people... withdrawing again. From friends, family, and at work. The initial euphoria of "being myself" is getting replaced with reminders that as long as I am at the same job, with the same group of friends, etc., I won't be free from this. Just now, for example, I stopped over to a teammate's cube, and he's like, "yes, sir!!" when I asked him something. A slip, but also a reminder.
I looked at some volunteering opportunities and many of the things I'd like to do... volunteer at a shelter, help kids, help the local rescue squad, all carry with them "background checks." Something that strikes fear into my heart, as a pre-operative transsexual woman with an "M" on her driver's license. I could go restock shelves at the library. Meh. We had mentioned the working with kids thing at therapy, and for now at least, that's really a non-starter. They find out your background, and as my therapist put it, "all hell breaks loose." Working with kids is out. Maybe in the future.
Tasha suggested taking a class. I'm such a wimp. I thought a little while ago that it might be fun to take a cooking class or something... but who shows up by her lonesome self? I think this is something that people do as couples, or a couple friends take a class together. At least all the promotional stuff I read about such classes advertise them as a fun way for a couple to do something together. Excuses? Yeah, probably.
I guess I'm just not in a very good place right now. Of course, I am the only one who can get myself out of it. I've been blaming surgery for my disinterest in getting out and living, when I think it's more motivated by fear. I have to stop thinking that somehow what's between my legs is going to make *that* much of a difference in my day-to-day life. That's dangerous. That's Mike Penner-type thinking.
Posted by
Faline
4 comments:
So sorry thing is how things are going for you lately. On the one hand, November will be here before you know it. On the other, the time could seem really long if you continue to feel bad.
The background check for volunteering is usually, as far as I know (at least in my experience), a criminal background check. If you don't have a record, you're clear. I don't know if the organization for which you are volunteering gets any more than "she's clear" from the police. In other words, don't know about previous name. I think not, but don't know for sure.
When I was pre-op, I volunteered at a queer centre. They knew all about me, obviously (I went through early transition there). I also volunteered to work with girls, but it was with an organization that was explicitly inclusive. Still, I was nervous about that one, but it flew, and it was a great experience.
I don't think classes are only for couples or friends. Indeed, it's a place to meet new people. If you're really interested in something, go for it!
Any possibility of exploring new job opportunities? That seems like a particularly annoying point right now. I know jobs aren't easy to come by, but you obviously have some serious qualifications. Couldn't hurt to check out the market, right?
Hi Faline, sorry your feeling this way. It is very very difficult to be at the stage you are at. I think probably many of us can relate. Things will definitely be better after November. I took a cake decorating class at a local community college, and it was mostly all women. Not sure if you've got something like that near you. I've also volunteered at a few red cross blood drives. There are things out there, but they're not always easy to find. Ariel suggested meetup.com to me, and I've been having some fun going to new places with other single people. There's groups for everything! Background checks will likely always show your last name, I've had that come up. Not much you can do there. The work thing stinks, but people do get better over time. I wish I had some great words of wisdom. I can say that you're a really cool person, your intelligent, funny, a great parent, and you have so much to offer this world. There is a great big world outside of the Internet, and there's so many great adventures awaiting. I hope you feel better soon (:
Hugs,
Jen
It makes me sad that you feel the way you do.
Fear and loneliness are a terrible mix, because one leads to withdrawal and the other leads to resignation and diminishes one's own value.
I am not sure how long it has been since you socially transitioned. I am also at the receiving end of those "little" mistakes that in the eyes of the people who make them seem so nonchalant and of little weight. I keep telling them that they have until March 2013 to get it right and unless they make the effort of and learn to think of me as female when I am not there they will never get it.
Cooking classes are designed for lonesome selfs so I think they are perfect. And if you love food how awesome would that be.
What's between your legs unless it is in your face visible is simply something to be removed in the fullness of time, and in your case a few more months. There is no day like today. And given the general societal consensus that what's between your legs is not for public viewing, I would make the heretical comment that THAT is all in your head.
I have seen your pictures, and bearing in mind that pictures are always less than the real thing you are just a beautiful woman whom many would like to hang out with like your friend recently who invited you to join her and her friends for a night of fun in the town square.
I am completely with Jen when she says that there is a great world out there which cannot wait to be embraced by you.
They say, "If it works, Dont fix it". But what if it is NOT working. what if yu are stuck in a rut? Well, my advice would be to GET OUT of the rut. Get out of your comfort zone.
By this I do NOT mean, get out there and consciously TRY to meet people, but DO get OUT...ANYWHERE, there are people, and just "hang out".
I love watching people. I just don't let them get too close. What this will do is to get you comfortable being around other people. And...you even if you don't "meet" anybody, you will get lot's of practice talking and interacting with them in ordinary situations.
Anne
Post a Comment