This is all getting to be too much.

I read this very succinct post from Leona this morning and it neatly summarizes what's been going on in my head these days. It could not have come at a better time for me.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. -- Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)"

Whether it's having a link to my blog reposted by someone on a website that I have absolutely nothing to do with, or getting emails from people telling me this person is really three people and this person is that person, or my blog getting 3,000 hits in 8 days, or having some other blogger tag me in 14 blog posts because he's got some weird obsession with me, among others, or a well-meaning person on PE who starts a thread titled "Faline Makes Marie Claire Cover" because she decided I look like the model on the cover, or being told by a friend that a stranger recognized me in real-life from my blog, when I was with my kids, no less, or reading for the 18,439th time about TG vs. TS and allowing myself to be pulled into the conversation...

... or whatever it is, it's too much. My head is pretty much spinning with all this crap. These are signs that one needs to close ranks. This was only supposed to be a transition diary. I'm not sure how we got to this point. I feel like I am being watched, or something, and I don't know who is real and who isn't. I don't know who I can trust. It's like the freaking Truman Show. I've contributed to it, of course, by posting pictures of myself and even one video. No more of that.

It's going to be close to 100 degrees today, I have a ton of work to do, I have electrolysis tonight, I'm upset because this morning my Dad took my place at this preschool thing, I'm trying to figure out how to go about making new friends, and instead of focusing on my real-life "stuff," I'm dwelling on all that other stuff.

By "close ranks," I'm not sure exactly what that means. I don't know if it means make this blog private, or shut it down altogether, or just be more quiet online. Something has to change, though. I changed my avatar by applying a Photoshop effect to my old picture. That's a start. Pretty much sums up how I feel these days.

At the end of the Truman Show, Truman makes the choice to leave the only world he's ever known, a world in which he's encased in a deceivingly protective bubble which he *thought* was safe, but turned out to be just the opposite. What is it that he says as he steps out of that world? "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!" Yeah, something like that.

12 comments:

You can definitely burn-out on blogging, when you blog about a subject that is too close for comfort. Happened to me. That's why I went away for a while, and will go away again if/when I feel it starting to take-up too much of my psyche.

But, blogging also has it's beneficial effects, especially for those that need to get all the crap out of their head by writing it down somewhere.

As H.L. Mencken once said, "Writers write for the same reason cows give milk."

Take a vacation. Don't come back until the urge is over-powering. When you do, limit yourself. I only devote a half-hour to the stupid thing a day, tops... that's my rule.

Another is I don't let myself feel guilty anymore if I go a week without paying attention to it.

Now's the time to do it. It's much easier in the summertime when there's other things to do outside, than it is in the winter when you're stuck inside.

I am with you. Just don't abscond

Try to take it all with a grain of salt, Faline. Life isn't worth that kind of frustration. Do what you want to do, and the heck with everyone else.

Best wishes,

Hugs'

Cynthia

Hey mate,
You need to talk, you know where to find me.
Look after YOU!
Abby xo

I guess you can understand why I prefer to keep a good distance between myself and that whole trans-whatever circus, and why I prefer not to dwell on "trans" issues in my blog.

As you're obviously learning, this online circus serves only to distract from what is really important... real life.

As for making new friends... I'm sure that you have interests other than transition. Check out meetup.com and find a meetup group near you, composed of people with similar interests. Having a common interest can be a huge icebreaker, and in my case, those acquaintances have opened more doors for me than I could have ever dreamed.

If you don't need to blog, then take a break. If you need to blog, then go private. If you think this stuff might be getting to you, then this stuff is getting to you. And it sure as hell isn't worth it.

You're worth more than that.

Andrea Rosenfield said... June 9, 2011 at 2:02 PM  

I keep hearing that old Go-Go's song in my head... "Can you hear them, they talk about us, telling lies, well that's no surprise..."

This is why diaries have locks. If you've gotta write one, you don't want your kid brother reading it...

Go live, Faline, go live.
You're awesome.

I'd like to pass you a personal note at some point, if that's OK. I'll drop a message at SA-ET's place and let a few people there who have it know that it's OK to give you my email addy. Write if you want to. I'm a real person, I promise. Otherwise, it's been a privilege, and here's to better days to come. *clink*

All I can say is : "I can relate". I put myself out there bigtime before surgery and I'm still regretting using my full and real name on the web. I'm always going to have that history no matter how much I try to cover up some of it.

At least now I feel a little safer, using an alias....but then again my pictures/videos are still up

@Debra... I know you did. :( hopefully over time links will start dropping. What sucks are those automated websites that go through sites like Twitter and hold onto their information.

@Andrea... Thanks for dropping by. I liked both the content, and more importantly, the tone, of your piece on TS-Si. Sure it's OK to say hello. I don't *know* many of the crowd over at SA-ET, although Anne comments there once in a while.

thanks, peeps.

Andrea Rosenfield said... June 9, 2011 at 8:47 PM  

@Faline... I don't know most of them either, really. If I met Anne or Susan or Liz I don't know what we'd talk about, different worlds and all that.

That piece that ended up at TS-Si started as a diary at PHB first, right after the Sandeen/Love incident. Reprint rights were requested, and I really had no idea who any of these people all were or what I was stepping in, I'm not with any "faction" and I really didn't know the details about all the politics. I was just following the Prop 8 case news and saw some women being abused, so I looked into it and spoke up and let the chips fall where they may. Looks like it was the right thing to do so I'm seeing it out. Then... back into the ether I go.

Andrea... I have a throwaway email address linked through my profile, over in the right sidebar.

BTW, I went over to PHB and checked out your diaries (you knew I would, right?). I really identified wi... umm, I mean, your latest diary truly resonated with me. ;)

Hey Girl,

I know how you're feeling. Trying to raise a family, live life, deal with transition, and all this other stuff can push one right over the edge. Do what you need to do for you. That's what is most important. Just make sure you stay in touch (-:

Hugs,
Jen

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