I'm very frustrated with myself.  Last night I went for an early dinner with an old friend at this local town center.  Had a nice time catching up.  I didn't feel like heading home afterwards; it was such a nice evening, I looked pretty cute, it would have been depressing to be home at 7 PM, so I decided to meander around the town center for a while.  Felt pretty lonely walking around, seeing all the families and couples, although it would have been worse at home.  I popped into the Apple store and put something on Facebook that I was wandering around at the Town Center, in case anyone I knew was down there.

I had been walking around for about half an hour when I bumped into one of the maybe 4 people in the world who only know me as me.  At work, we're doing a pro bono project for a little non-profit and Robyn is our main client contact.  After the initial meeting our team had with her, I think she was a little intimidated by us, the big bad technology consultants.  I happened to run into her in the ladies' room after the meeting and we talked for a while and she felt better afterwards.  We have a great rapport.  Anyway, at the Town Center, they have these free concerts, and Robyn is a member of a swing dance group that comes and dances at the concerts.  She told me that I ought to come down and hang out with them, told me where they'd be, and said she hoped to see me.

I did try, kind of.  About 30 minutes later I came down and saw her dancing with her friends.  I stood a bit away and watched, waiting for them to take a break from the dancing, and then I'd come over and say hello.  Robyn didn't see me; the crowd is big enough that you can hide if you want to.  I watched them for all of 10 minutes before I started to get self-conscious about standing there by myself, so I went home.  Truth be told, I was also afraid that if I did go over, one of her guy friends would grab me and pull me out to dance.  All these stupid excuses... I've never danced as myself before, I'm wearing a rather short A-line dress and what he if spins me and, well, do I need to spell it out for you?  That would have been awful.  So anyway, I copped out, went home, did the obligatory self-pitying cry in the car, blah blah blah.

The irony of posting in the morning about making a friend who doesn't know juxtaposed with this story is not lost on me.  I had a chance here and I blew it.  Damnit damnit damnit.  No one to blame but myself.

13 comments:

Hey Faline, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody is to blame here, and you didn’t blow anything.

I can totally relate (as with so many other of your posts) — I’ve grown up extremely shy and introverted because I wasn’t able to connect with the world with my female brain. Now, after coming to terms with being trans and living (at least part-time) as a woman I am still very introverted and shy, but is gets better, slowly. I think that lifelong trained behavioral patterns cannot just evaporate in a couple of months, plus now we have to deal with being self-conscious about the way we look.

Yesterday just wasn’t the right day. But it will come.

Baby steps, girl. You keep going out. It's not one of those situations where you get only one chance. It's a learning and growing process. Try not to feel bad, and there will be a next time.

I have never followed in a dance either, so I probably would have slunk away too. But I would love to know how. Ya ready for dance lessons? That will get you out of the house and meeting people! Another blogger friend (in England) has been doing it.

+1 on the dance lessons. I was going to ask if you'd thought about joining a club or something. In everyday life people are to busy to drop everything and invest time in making a proper friend (I'm no expert) i wonder if I won't have more luck attending things that other people attend with the intent of meeting new people and being social and doing that with the same club consistently, so your meeting the same people and eventually theyve had time to get to know you.

If I can manage to keep my bike through transition, you bet your ass the Ab'ster will be joining the bike club and going as many weekends as she can. What sucks is Im at a point now where I don't want people to meet me.

You aren't alone in your loneliness, chin up, I've seen the pics, hot chicks don't often want for friends for long.

Hope you're well

Faline. Like Ariel says, caution, (discretion) is the greater part of valor. It is very possible that you do not feel sufficiently comfortable to get out there and "run with the big dogs" yet.
This is a good instinct. Its called Self Preservation. Eventually there will come a time when you will finally get up the courage to "get out there and dance". You will know when that time comes. DON'T RUSH IT.
Despite my occasional rants about "launch potatoes", it is not easy learning how to fly. There are a lot of failures and pain involved. In my world it is called "el precio de la pista", (the price of admission).
You should know that we ALL went through what you went through last night, and most likely will go through again and again. BUT, you should also know that EVENTUALLY, YOU WILL GET OUT THERE AND DANCE, and it will have been worth every minute of pain and every penny you spent getting there.
Trust me. I know. Been there. Done That.

Anne

hmmmmmmmm........

This is strange...When I use my Google ID I am re-directed to a sign in page. From there....To a "security" word confirmation. THEN.....it loops back to the sign-n page.

If I use the "anonymous" profile...it just posts directly.

Any ideas?

Anne

I don't even have the security word thing turned on here. It shouldn't even come up. Does it usually come up on my blog? I just checked my settings, and it's turned off.

I'd suggest clearing your cache.

Faline Honey?
What the heck did you blow? So you didn't dance big deal! Dancing with a male partner in a partnered dance is pretty advanced stuff for a woman with our history who is still wet behind the ears! Go easy on your self Dear! You still have her contact info... The excuse of not feeling so great is both accurate and legit! As to why you didn't feel so great? Doesn't have to be mentioned now does it! Email her say you as so sorry you missed her but you were not feeing up to snuff. Would she like to do lunch or get a drink after work sometime? Budding friendship continues undeterred by momentary lase! Remember Honey you are in this for the long haul and you have all the time in the world!

@Miz ... I guess it is advanced stuff. Especially if she's pre-op and wearing a thong. :O

@Faline... is that all you technical people can do? Tell people to "clear your cache?" You suck.

@Abby... I could see myself taking dance lessons after surgery, if I could find a girlfriend to come with me. We'll see how I feel next Spring. ugh. that's so long from now...

@Ariel... Hopefully I'll be OK at following. I sucked at leading, that was for sure!!

@Anni... thanks for stopping by!! It is difficult to break old habits and just completely "let go." We're working on it, right?

@Anne... I promise when I go through it again and again, which I will, that I won't write about it every time. That'll get old for everyone!! :)

^^^
Why so many "A" names?

Faline, you're trying, and that's important. Keep smiling and doing what you're doing. I can assure you by the end of this year, you're going to feel different and the days of having those crying sessions are going to disapear.

FYI on the anonymous issue. I had the same problem. You have to make sure your browser allows cookies for blogger.com & google.com. Seems like some new security patches or blogger changes restrict passing your auth cookie between different sites and it doesn't know who you are. I've seen it in IE, not sure about browsers. (Tools, IE options, Privacy, sites, add with allow).

*hugs* girl. Maybe next time...maybe in time...you'll feel free enough to jump in.

I know that even now, even after surgery, even after almost 2 years full time.....I still get anxious about going to new places and jumping in and meeting new people. It's really not even related to being trans.

But I've had the courage to jump in anyway sometimes....but sometimes I still don't.

I disagree a little with other commenters but agree with you. That was a chance, and she liked and valued you enough to want you to participate. You are easy to look at, in fact gorgeous judging from some of your pictures and unless you have an air vent blowing up Monroe style, your A-line would have handled bit of dancing. Do better next time.

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