Months ago I wrote about how it appeared that my sexual orientation changed from that of a straight man to that of a straight woman. For the past year-and-a-half or so, I've solely been attracted to men. To be certain, these attractions were purely physical attractions, and for the most part, still are. As I've developed emotional connections with women through my transition, I've always wondered how it would be possible to develop the sort of close emotional connection with a man, that I can and do with women. But my feelings towards women have been exclusively platonic during this time.

Well, transition appears to have thrown me yet another curve ball. There's a woman that I've come to know over the past three months or so and I feel incredibly drawn to her. I've only met her once; in fact, I have trouble remembering what she looks like. But we've spoken on the phone many times. We're continually finishing each others' sentences, we seem to think alike, we just connect. A little while ago, we had a bit of a disagreement but quickly got back on the same page. She said something like "See, even when we fight, we end up agreeing." I find myself daydreaming about her... a lot. Not in a sexual way. Although I have imagined kissing her. It's quite a pleasant thought.

We have a business relationship, and for now and the next few months, even if these feelings of mine were reciprocated, it wouldn't be appropriate for us to have a personal relationship outside of the business stuff, even a friendship. So any of that will have to wait, if it's meant to be at all. I do know that she loves my sense of humor, that she thinks I'm pretty, and that she has a lot of respect for me. All good things. :)

She's a single mom, a couple years older than me, and although we've not gotten into too much personal stuff, I don't sense that there's a man in her life. Through her work, she is very involved in and passionate about LGBT-related causes, which makes me think at the very least, she's bi. I was talking about my feelings with my therapist, and she suggested that a bisexual woman would be less likely to be put off by the fact by my history than someone who is exclusively straight or lesbian. I tend to agree with that.

This post, I suppose, isn't so much about this specific person as it is about me and how things change as one transitions. The more I think about it, I think the way it's going to go for me is that I will be attracted and drawn to someone's soul. The body containing that soul, whether it is a male or a female body, might not matter so much to me. We'll see how everything shakes out after surgery. There are bound to be a few more twists and turns to this story.

I had to go look at the calendar before I wrote the title for this post. It doesn't seem possible that my little countdown timer went from 120 to 10 so quickly. I have moments here and there where it hits me, like today at work. I'm rolling off our project when I go for surgery, and will start with a new client when I return. I was talking to our project architect about some knowledge transfer that I need to do before I leave. Our architect has been on this project since its' inception, and was the one who applauded when I came out to the team. He's a fantastic architect, but more importantly, a good person. I'll miss working with him.

Anyway, after we talked today, I started getting emotional and choked-up. While I ultimately don't want to be known as the transsexual person, this project has been very safe and even comfortable. I'll be on a new project with some people who might know, and a client who will not. And that will be new. The unknown is a little bit scary. I started thinking about what it will be like on my last day. I'll probably be an emotional wreck. Not to mention that I'll leave work, and then go pick up my kids for my last evening with them. Which will likely be even more emotional.

As far as the surgery itself, I'm excited for it. I think once I get my see ya laters out to co-workers and the kids, that I will be calm and focused once I'm up there.

I made my blog private; there are maybe 15 people who are readers.

Today I feel excited and emotional. :)

I wonder what you all think you're accomplishing.

Pretty much every blog in which I have any interest whatsoever these days, at least in the comments' section, has degraded into a cacophony of voices screaming at each other and accomplishing absolutely nothing. Whether you're a transsexual separatist, a crossdresser, a transsexual who identifies as transgender, a transgender person, someone who starts comments, or someone who is repeatedly goaded into responding to comments, a commenter on T-Central blogs, PHB, Bilerco, Transadvocate, or any of the other LGBT-related websites where people endlessly rehash the same thing that's being simultaneously argued on all of the other aforementioned sites, you need to wake up to the fact that you're not going to change anyone's mind about anything via blog comments.

What you will do, is alienate people that you otherwise might not have. You might drive good people to stop blogging or to head-em-off-at-the-pass by disabling comments altogether. You might cause people not to trust you who otherwise might have. What you won't do, is bring anyone around to your own way of thinking. Not gonna happen.

Especially when someone comments as "Anonymous." Don't even get me started on anonymous commenters. I turned them off here a little while ago when I got one-too-many trollish attacks from "Anonymous."

Anyway, this is all just a bunch of meaningless white noise full of a bunch of people who pretty much enjoy hearing the sound of their own voice.

I've been guilty of falling into this trap myself at times, getting caught up in it; in fact, I recently did elsewhere. Probably mostly because I'm bored and lonely. Not much of an excuse. Anyway, I'm done with all that. I'm not planning to read, let alone comment elsewhere anymore. I'll keep up with this blog through SRS and perhaps the outcome of my custody trial but I can't see it going much longer than that. Frankly, I'm getting sick of it. Blogging has brought some good to my life. In the form of a handful of precious friends who don't blog anymore, as well as a release at a time in my life when I sorely needed it. It's beginning to turn into a burden, though.

Knock your collective selves out with your comment wars. I'm done with it.

I ruptured my Achilles tendon almost three years ago while playing basketball.  It sucked.  I couldn't walk for three months, couldn't do all the things that a person with a normal Achilles tendon takes for granted.  It took me 30 minutes to get groceries up the stairs.  I wanted to go get a takeout pizza, but I had no way to carry it. Couldn't workout or run or bike or swim with my friends.  A very frustrating and lonely time.  While one is going through something like this, it's helpful to find support in others experiencing the same.  So I joined an Achilles recovery support site in which each member of the site blogs about her or his experiences.  It was great while I was going through the process.

On the site, you have a drop-down list where you indicate what stage of the recovery you're at: NWB (non weight-bearing), PWB (partial), FWB (full), 2-Shoes (out of the "boot" and walking normally). Everyone is anxious to get to the next "stage," and with longing and sometimes jealousy, we read the stories of people who were a stage or two ahead. Once someone gets to the "2-Shoes" stage, they don't blog much, and typically leave the site altogether shortly afterwards. I mean, what's the point, right? No one gets pissed or upset when people leave the "achilles community." They understand that the goal is a normal life, and when you're done, people are happy for you. You're not branded a traitor.  I mean, that would be ridiculous, right? Of course it would.

Anyway, I had surgery for it, I recovered, and I got back to normalcy.  The sutures they use are called "Ticron."  They're non-absorbable, meaning they will always be in there.  So there's a bit of artificiality to my tendon now, and there always will be.  Despite this, I don't refer to my Achilles as my Neoachilles, or Neotendon.  There will always be small hesitations here and there... if I jump, will it re-rupture?  If I run too fast or play tennis or play basketball, will it re-rupture?  I do my best to put these aside and do whatever physical activity I like.  I can't let this change the activities I enjoy. There were a couple side effects which will be with me forever; for example, the leg still isn't as strong as the other one, and there is some lingering numbness in that foot.  I think these side effects are likely permanent.  Nonetheless, it's just a tendon, like anyone else's.

I don't think of myself as post-Achilles, or as a post-ruptured person. It'd be silly to define myself that way, I think. At any rate, I got the medical problem fixed and proceeded to live my life. And that was that.

I had a post up here a couple days ago entitled "30 days." which came off a little more depressing-sounding than I intended, so I removed it.  So now we have this one.  Apparently I've released myself from the pressure of coming up with interesting blog titles.  :)  The week was stressful.  I had a good cry on Friday afternoon, which I *really* needed.  That sums up the "30 days." post.  You didn't miss much.  :)

Ended up having a pretty good weekend.  With quite a few reminders that although life is a roller coaster lately, there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Friday night I went out with a group to celebrate my friend Benet's birthday.  I've known Benet for almost 14 years.  I also told her that I thought I might actually be a woman about a year into our friendship.  The GNO was great, although one member of our group, Jorleen (geez... can't I think of better fake names??!?!) kept misgendering me.  Over and over.  It's weird... Jorleen is very accepting; in fact, she went to the ladies' room with me, but she keeps screwing up the pronouns.  I've known her for around 10 years, and I tend to cut people who've known me for so long a little slack, but it was very aggravating.  Especially given the fact that there were people in the group whom I met that evening.  On one hand, it's hard to imagining letting everyone go, but when I read blog entries like Jen's latest, I find myself nodding my head.  All that said, the night was far and away an overall good.  We're all going out again to send me off the week before I fly out to Montreal.

Had electrolysis on Saturday. then walked around Old Town for a while and sat by the river for about an hour, watching the water.  Water calms woman.  Today, I installed new drapes and shades in the kids' bedroom, found a cozy and versatile cardigan at Nordy's, and got a lot of cleaning done.  The installation took two trips to Lowe's and one to Target.  At Target, one of the women working there was very very friendly to me.  Very chatty.  I like it when women get chatty with me.  It's still novel.  And it reminds me of the future.  Got an awesome voice message from S&G, him saying that he wanted to come to my house and her saying the she loved me "very, very, very much hugs and kisses hugs and kisses."

After my electrolysis appointment on Saturday, I was talking about my week and its' stress, and that I was frustrated that I'm 40 and I don't have all that much to show for it; how I feel as if I ought to have accomplished more in life.  Here I am approaching middle-age and I'm fighting to keep my children and otherwise basically starting from zero.  Less than zero, if you include debt.  Giselle listened and then told me a story about her son, who has 4 children, a wife who (according to Giselle) is useless, and at this point, his life is the same every day.  He doesn't have things that one typically points to as "accomplishments."   She pointed out that sometimes it's a big accomplishment to simply continue putting one foot in front of the other and doing what one needs to do to get to the next day.  And to her, it matters not that he doesn't have a giant home or take fancy trips or a huge bank account; she finds him courageous simply for living his life.  Of course, there's a lesson there for me.

So, dear reader, although I have a lot of stress, there's a lot of good, and I am aware of it.  The next time you see an angst-filled post here with links to the latest song which made me bawl, you have my permission to roll your eyes and think, "good lord, there she goes again."

This morning, I woke up crying. I've no idea what I was crying about in my dream, but when I woke up I was crying. The pillow was wet. That's never happened to me before, at least that I recall. I tend to try and find meaning in such things. I suppose it means I'm stressed and upset. I find that I'm overly jumpy lately, too. A month and change ago, I came home at lunch to find that motion on my door; two weeks later, another motion. Now I'm continually checking the front door, like I'm waiting for something else to happen. You know the dashboard fuel light? Today mine lit up when I was driving and I almost launched myself through the sunroof.

We were supposed to have a pre-trial hearing tomorrow morning in my custody case, and it was continued (postponed) this afternoon. Without going into detail, we needed to have the continuance granted, and it wasn't clear until the last moment that it would be. So I've spent the last day or so stressing about that. Hopefully the legal stuff won't continue to be so stressful between now and November 7th.

A good friend of mine will be having surgery with Dr. Chettawut about 10 days after my surgery. She's visiting in a couple weekends. I have two weekends with the kids, and one to get things done (this weekend), and that's all she wrote. I feel like there are million things to do between now and then.

I'm very much looking forward to the 11 days I'll be spending in Montreal. Other than keeping in touch with the kids and letting a few select people know how I am doing, I'm going to maintain radio silence while I'm up there. I'm not going to write much here, if at all. I'm not going to post updates on Facebook. When I return, I have a friend who has been through this before coming to stay for a week, and subsequent to that another friend who's also been through this staying for another week. That will be time that I am required to focus on my recovery and my physical health. Hopefully it'll give me the mental break I need to push through to this custody trial in January.

Wow, this blog entry is incredibly disjoint. I appear to have lost my ability to write cohesively. Apropos, I guess. That's all for now.


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When I transitioned, there just weren't too many blogs out there written by straight, transitioned women. Well, here's one.

I can be reached via email at this address.

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