accept. embrace. live.

5?... tried on a dress for the first time

7-18... snuck around trying on things of whatever female I happened to be around. I remember wearing women's stuff under my clothes to the mall, to play video games with friends, when I was 11. crossdressing took on almost a fetishistic quality for me. Parents found "stuff" in my drawers once, and I was told to "get rid of that shit." I remember sneaking out of the house at age 8 in the middle of the night, wearing a dress, being terrified that I'd be caught. This middle-of-the-night nonsense continued for 30 years.

college... more dressing up, 99% of the time stuff that no woman would wear in public.

early/mid 20s... first time on my own... at times now would dress up in normal clothes, go out to do things like get gasoline at night, once or twice go into 7-11 and buy something in heels and a skirt. cut and burned myself, still have quite a few scars. First time I heard about transitioning and transsexuals was with the advent of the Internet, when I was in grad school, around 23. Found it intriguing. Started seeing a therapist, who put me on progesterone, diagnosed me as a sex addict. Guess what. It didn't work. Binge. Purge. Repeat. Speaking of sexual things... didn't lose my virginity until I was 27. Yeah, a real sex addict. I remember when the blessed event happened, we had gone to NYC to see some musical. My therapist asked me what the best part of the weekend was, and I answered, "Seeing the musical." (Really confused look on therapists face) "Better than sex???" "Yup." Hmmm, somehow that doesn't fit the diagnosis. Sex addicts generally don't prefer musicals to sex, and cut and burn themselves. People who hate their bodies, do.

late 20s/early 30s... seriously considering that there might be more to this than meets the eye. had an electrolysis consult, saw two different gender therapists... told a close friend about electrolysis, she asked, "what about your masculine side?" I replied, "I don't think I want a masculine side."  Wasn't ready to do anything about it. placed an ad on the internet looking for a female friend who wouldn't have mind having a friend who crossdressed. met her, started dating, once in a while we'd have a "kat night," where I'd dress up and we'd hang out. was fun. we ended up getting married.

mid 30s... marriage/kids... once the kids came, everything about her changed. the gender stuff returned to stashed-away bags of clothes in the basement, and when the wife and kids would go visit family, would be a mad binge of dressing. the first thing I did one time when they went on a trip, right after work, I headed straight to the mall, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, and bought clothes.

separation. When I immediately got separated, about 2 years ago, the first thing I did after I left the house, was go to Target, buy some women's clothing, put it on, go to the hotel, and drink. Had a period where I expressed the feminine side of myself in unhealthy ways, doing bad things. had a wakeup call a little while into that, where I realized I needed (and wanted) to stop doing that sort of thing.

present-day. started going to places like the mall, the grocery store, presenting as a male, but wearing women's clothing, makeup, etc. Liked it and had fun with it. A much healthier way to express myself. Even have gone and done swim workouts wearing a women's swimsuit. A few times. No sexual thing, or thrill, behind it. I don't even know why I've done that. But it felt more or less normal to me.

Got my ears pierced a little while ago. That was kind of a trigger for me. Decided to start seeing therapist and get facial hair removed. I almost less desire to do go to the mall and presenting as a male wearing women's clothing. Might be because I can't get a good shave with this post-laser-bumpiness-and-pepperspots, but I think and fear there is more to it than that. The sexual component of this is gone, totally gone. The want to wear leather miniskirts, lingerie, stuff from Frederick's of Hollywood (which is cheaply made crap, by the way), which was what this was all about years ago, is gone. Now, I'd rather shop at Ann Taylor, or Nordstrom. Not that I can afford either one of those, so I am relegated to Kohl's. But before, where I would have in years past wanted a pair of those liquid leggings, or those shiny boots, now I want something that looks nice, or cute. Something a typical woman would wear.

I don't want to be a guy who has a fetish for women's clothing, and I moved past that.

I don't want to be a closted crossdresser, and I moved past that.

I don't want to be a non-closeted crossdresser... meet with friends pretending to be a woman for a precious evening. Never really did that.

I don't think I want to be a guy who does things, acts like, and wears things normally reserved for women. I don't want to be and am not a "metrosexual." I am pretty close to being past that, I think.

A friend asked me what I'd do, if society, family, friends, money, none of those were issues. I know what I'd do. And the reader probably does, as well.

But... all those things are issues. Do I want it enough... am I really female enough, to have the commitment and to do this? It doesn't matter that I wish I was, and want to be a woman. What matters more is, am I a woman? I have no idea how to figure that out.

I can't honestly look myself in the mirror right now and say that I am a female on the inside. But, the only reason I can look at myself, and honestly say that I am a male, is because I have the body of one. Said body which I want to be less and less male. I don't want to have the body of a male. I really don't.

but who do I have the mind of? that is what matters.

so much rambling.