accept. embrace. live.

I had my first laser treatment this past Thursday... it wasn't as bad as I expected. I think the worst part was the anticipation of each pulse. To be certain, each pulse hurt, pretty sharp, like a pinpoint stabbing. But I got through it OK. The neat part (at least for tonight) is that the laser kind of vaporizes what hair is right under the skin, so I don't have a shadow right now! Love that. Gillian was great... didn't go too fast, took breaks when I needed to... am very glad I went to AHA.

What I wasn't prepared for or anticipating, was my reaction while I was driving home. I started thinking, "wow, I am really doing this..." and got all emotional. I bawled pretty much the whole way home, 45 mins. I kept getting this vision of my male self smiling and waving, and kind of fading away and it really got to me. I don't dislike him. He is funny, athletic, smart, a good person, albeit a little angry at times. If this goes where it might, I am sure I will mourn the loss of him... I think maybe I was doing a little of that tonight. Even when I typed that I got a little choked up. But I think the emotion validated what I am doing. I will be very interested to talk with my therapist about this.

And last night was the first support group meeting I've attended... MAGIC DC... I'm not sure what to make of it. Was mostly people who are a LOT further along in the process, and I didn't quite feel that I fit in. And much of it was very "heavy," and philosophical... a lot of very abstract talk about gender... and where I am right now isn't really that. Many seemed very serious, pensive... I know that being transgender is a serious thing, but I don't want to get "scared off." Fortunately, Dana came, a little late, and lightened things up a bit... she made one comment that it'd be good if people focused on positive things, which I loved hearing, but there wasn't much response from the group on it. I'll probably give it another chance though. Not so sure about going out to eat though, not at least until I am a little more comfortable with my appearance.

Perhaps TGEA might be a little more for me. The problem with TGEA is, that their meetings are on Saturday nights, and I have the kiddos every other weekend, so I'd pretty much be able to attend only half of the meetings. But that's not really a valid reason not to attend.

And lastly, my new wig. I finally got a wig... and it just doesn't feel all that natural to me right now. I took a couple pictures and it looks kind of cute, but I think I'll be more comfy in it when I have more of the beard off and have a little more makeup practice. The wig in and of itself didn't make me feel more like myself. Perhaps later. I'd just prefer to have my own hair, thank you very much. I haven't cut it in almost 2 months, which means it is.... all of an inch long now. *sigh*... I don't intend to cut it for a while, though. It'd be good if I could get it to the point where it was a little androngynous.