Hi... I've been neglecting this blog lately... I think that since I've told friends and am communicating with them about it, I haven't felt the need to write here as often.  But, I just took a big step... I sent this letter to my mother, father, (they are divorced), and sister.  They received it a couple of days ago.  I got a wonderful email back from my Dad, using my name, and saying that he was with me.  I think my mother and sister will come around, but it is going to take time.  It'll be OK.

Maybe someone Googling "transgender coming-out letter to family" will stumble upon this post, and it will help them...


I have something that I need to share... I've sent this letter to all three of you. I don't want to keep this from you any longer. It’s uncomfortable for me to talk to you without you knowing what is going on with me. I say “share” instead of “tell” because I need you to be a part of this; I love you, and it’s crucial that you know and understand who I really am. I've been dealing with this in various ways since I was about age 6... I've made a decision, and it's time to come out.

Not what people usually mean when they say "come out." I'm not gay. I'm transgender. I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, meaning my internal (brain) gender is in conflict with my outward appearance & physical biology. It is about gender conflict, not sexual orientation. In short - I have a female brain and a male body. The part of me that makes me "me," is female. I am female. And over the years, it has torn me up. You're aware of (a minute fraction of) some of the struggles I've had in life, trying to deal with this. Since age 9 or 10 have been sneaking out in the middle of the night crossdressed, isolating myself from people by spending countless nights home alone, drinking excessively, being jealous, sometimes angrily jealous, of women, being angry in general and not knowing why... point being, this has had a severe impact on my life and relationships, for close to 30 years.

It is very important for all of you to understand there was and is nothing, absolutely nothing that any of you did, or did not do, to cause this, or prevent it. Gender identity is something which is deeply embedded in a person from the earliest age. One does not learn or unlearn their gender identity. No one caused it, no more than anyone caused my eyes to be hazel, for example.

Shortly after I decided to make things final with (ex-wife), I also decided to commit to figuring out what this is, why I do these things, and who I am. I began working with a gender therapist, and what I have discovered, accepted, and now embraced about myself, is the only way to achieve balance, to be truly happy for the first time, is to make my body match my gender, and live as myself. I recall around 10 or so years ago… (sister) had seen a talk show and the guest was a transsexual woman. She called and asked if that was me... did I feel like a "woman trapped in a man's body." I answered no, and at the time I thought it was the truth. I absolutely feel that way now. I'm handling this in a much healthier manner than I used to, through venues such as therapy and support groups. I am embracing myself, instead of being ashamed. All the behaviors mentioned above have gone away since I've accepted who I am.

I have been acting for my whole life - putting up a male facade, although not realizing it. These days, I am very aware and conscious of the fact that I am acting, and it's not a good feeling. For example, I was very uncomfortable at Thanksgiving and Christmas... uncomfortable because I could not be myself. Now that I am aware of it, it is difficult to be around people who do not know; to have to continue hiding. I am happy that I am now able to be honest and open with the people I care about. I love and care deeply about you all and I hope you will be supportive.

I've been working with my therapist and other parents who have been down this road, to introduce this to (kid #1) and (kid #2) in a way that will cause them as little confusion as possible, and ensure that they stay the happy, confident children that they are. A happier person makes a better parent... I will be an even better parent, being authentic. While there will certainly be difficult times ahead and I have a ton of work to do with them, I feel that I'm in a unique position to teach them love and acceptance of those who are different. The professional guidance I have received with respect to the kids is that if one is going to make this change, the sooner it happens in the children’s lives, the better.

I have told all of my friends, as well as (ex-wife). I have neither told work, nor anyone else in the family. Work will come as I approach my goal of living my life full-time as me... a woman. I'll answer any questions you have, of course, anything, refer you to good sources of information, anything that I can do to help. This is something I have been dealing with for years, but it is new to you, and I will be cognizant of that as I move forward. It is very freeing to me to be able to finally talk about this after 30 years of acting and hiding.

My new name will be Faline… Faline Allyn. I'm a lot happier with this decision made, less moody. I am more of a helpful and kind person than I used to be and am more at peace. I like myself a lot now, and am confident that you will too. I am happy that I have come to this realization, and happy that I can now be honest with myself and my loved ones about whom I am. It is important for you to know that while changing one’s physical gender is indeed profound, it is merely peripheral to the core of what makes us each the unique people we are. That which makes me “me,” is not changing. You’re not losing the child you raised, or the sibling you grew up with. My gender doesn’t affect my morality, my judgments, my intellect, my sense of humor… the person you know and love is not going anywhere.

There's a lot in life that I've missed out on... but it's not too late to live the rest of my life, as myself. I am very excited about it.

I understand that this is a much unexpected thing I am presenting you with. Take as much time as you need to think and/or discuss amongst yourselves and your partners, if you are so inclined. Call me when you are ready to discuss further. I love you and it is very important to me that you are with me as I go through these changes, which in the end I am sure we all will find to be good for everyone.



Wow Faline, I have to say that that is a powerful, thought provoking letter that you sent to your family. It is very well written and catches the true essence of what it means to be transgendered and how we remain who we are albeit in the body that matches our brain. It also catches the essence of how living as our true selves will have a positive effect on all aspects of our lives. I am so happy for you that your father has indicated his support for you and I certainly hope that will come from your mother and sister too.

Thank you, Kristina. :) I spent quite a bit of time on it, as you can imagine. It said what I needed to say without getting too too long or going into unnecessary detail.

However my mom and sister end up, I'm just glad to have this off my chest with them. I think in the end they'll realize this is a good thing for me.

Hi, Faline. Thanks for sharing so much about your life, transition and coming-out experience.

I'm a freelance reporter writing about the APA's upcoming changes to the gender identity disorder definition. I'd love to talk with you about your own experience with GID. My story has "expert" voices, but I think the first-hand experiences I can include in it will be what really make people understand the issue.

You can reach me at the email address listed below.

Best wishes,

Andrea Swalec
NYT blog The Local: Fort Greene and Clinton Hill
NYCity News Service
CUNY Graduate School of Journalism

Awwww girl!!! I'm so proud of you and so happy that your dad was so awesome!!! *hugs*!!!!!!

It's only just begun!

<3 Jerica

Echoing Kristine's comment above, your letter moved me so much. Thank you for sharing it.

As you suggest, there may be less capable writers in our midst who feel as you do, are in the same place as you and will find inspiration here to finally come out to loved ones.

Knowing what is right for you is something you have taken time to find. You are clearly committed to the sacrifices needed to get to that place where you can lead the rest of your life in a productive, happy way.

All the best, and thanks again!

A spectacular letter, succinct but encompassing the critical stuff. Thanks for sharing such an intimate communication. You're doing a lot of things right, Faline.

Wow, thanks, Leslie and Halle. Your comments definitely made me smile and reaffirm that going about this in the right way. thanks again.

Post a Comment


My photo

When I transitioned, there just weren't too many blogs out there written by straight, transitioned women. Well, here's one.

I can be reached via email at this address.

Here is my comment policy.



counter customizable