I read Halle's latest post yesterday, and it brought to mind something I've wanted to write about for a little while. Before I started hormone replacement therapy, I had to have some extra blood tests done, due to the fact that I had a blood clot at one point in the recent past. So I saw a hematologist, and explained to him that I was transitioning. He had never met someone like me before. He was genuinely interested, friendly, and I could tell that he wanted to ask me a few questions but was hesitant to, out of respect. I remember him smiling a lot. I told him to ask whatever he wanted, and we talked for a little bit. I left the appointment, and as I walked out of the building, "awwww, he was so nice... " popped into my head.
Wait, what?!!
I'd never had a thought like that about a man before. For my whole life, I've been attracted to women. Never walked down the street and saw a guy that I thought was cute. Not once. Never came away from a conversation with a guy thinking that I was looking forward to the next time I saw him. It was a strange feeling to have this "warm fuzzy" after a short conversation with this doctor. It keeps happening and doesn't feel strange anymore. This guy I keep seeing in line at Starbucks in the morning has the best smile. He's tall, and cute, and I'm sure that if I talked to him, I would be nervous. I find myself going to the same cashier at Trader Joe's, even when his line is longer. And he noticed! The 3rd time I was in his line, he said something like, "I guess there must be something you really like about Trader Joe's." I think he was trying to flirt with me? I responded with something stupid and likely incoherent about food, to which he recommended the Korean ribs.
As far as women go, it feels totally different now. I have many intelligent, fun, and attractive friends, and I'm not attracted to any of them. I've not met a woman that I've been attracted to on a romantic level in almost two-and-a-half years. At the moment, I feel like I'm a straight woman. I don't know if I am or not, but I suppose it doesn't matter. What I am curious about, though, is this. How does one's sexual preference just change? It's happening to me, and I cannot explain why. It seems that if I had been bisexual all this time without realizing it, at least once in my life, wouldn't I have met at least one male that I thought was cute, or was attracted to? I'm not finding it at all unsettling, it's more a curiosity.
I don't know what to tag this post with... nothing seems appropriate. I feel like the post itself is all over the place, which does seem appropriate. My first few posts in this blog seem pretty scatterbrained, so it's fitting that my first post on this topic is all over the place.
Anyway, I need to run. I'm fresh out of Korean ribs. Yummy.
Posted by
Faline
7 comments:
For me the first time I noticed things was when I happened across a men's underwear ad and/or with their shirts off. And I felt all giddy. =) It was quite odd and new.
But when I thought back through my life, I realized I had never even LOOKED before. It had like never been allowed. That was me anyway.
I've been reading your blog for awhile now,
and all I can say is I'm glad you're feeling this way. For me I've always had an attraction to
transgendered women, but not men.
Weird but I just know that's how I feel.
OK, here is my crackpot theory. I call it that only because there's no evidence for it -- yet.
My theory, which is mine, goes like this. Some people are sexually attracted to one sex or the other. If they transition, they remain attracted to the sex to which they were always attracted. But others seem to be attracted to "other." If they're male, that means females, and if they're female, that means males. It's the otherness that draws them. So if they transition, they tend to remain attracted to "other" -- except that other is now the opposite sex to what the person is now.
I have always understood the attraction of sexual opposites -- boy to girl, girl to boy. Old fashioned, I guess. I also understand same-sex attraction, having felt it, but it's not quite as fundamental to me as opposite-sex attraction. So although it caught me by surprise that I remain attracted to "other," in the end I htink it makes sense. I've always known what boys and girls are about. I just happen to be on the other side now.
Here is how it went for me. As I heve mentioned many times before, I always knew that I would grow up to be a woman. I never knew HOW that would happen, but I just knew it would. By the time I hit my early 20's the path was becoming increasingly clear.
Among some of the many 'realities' that go along with "re-arranging" one's gentitals and endocrine system is the fact that sex as a "male" would no longer be a part of my reality. That was a real FACT, a reality. So one of the things that I was prepared to give up in order to get where I needed to get to be whole, was regular hetero-normal sex with women.
Well...while that might not be a big deal for a lot of people, it was a major BIG DEAL for me. Nevertheless, I gladly laid that particular pleasure onto the altar of transition. In those days T blockers either did not exist or at least to my knowledge were not in use, so in lieu that I was injected with pretty massive doses of depo- provera.
Let me tell you. Within 6-8 hours of that first 50mg megadose shot, I knew that I had made the right decision to risk everything to begin the process of completely changing my sexual and physical morphology. The disconnect was gone. Suddenly, I felt NORMAL.
Well from there it was almost a year to SRS. Like many who have "been there, done that", waking up after "the operation", the feeling was one of utter joy and relief to be alive and finally, complete and free to live my life fully and freely as the finally complete and congruent woman that I was.
In all truth, I remember very little about the ensuing months of recovery, I remember it was extremely painful and unpleasant despite the dulling haze of the opiate based pain supressants. I also know that it was during those long painful months that I was able to rid myself of all my hated facial hair.
What I do remember is a gradual lessoning of the pain and constant bleeding and discharge. Please remember that things are much different now. This was forty years ago, very few surgeons were barely competent at this point. I was very lucky to have survived.
One of the toughest things for me was being weaned off the opiate based pain killers. As the pain and the bleeding decreased and my head cleared from the drugs, I began to experience non-painful sensation. Finally after many months, the senastions became 'pleasant' and finally one glorious sunny afternoon a very small, extremely delightful and satisfying orgasm.
For me, THAT was the day that I finally arrived. I knew then, that I had made it, and that just as I had been promised so very long ago, "Everything was going to be, just fine".
The bleeding had stopped, the discharge was gone, that awful dialator went all the way in easily, and I was finally ready for a test run. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say, my little honey pot worked jussssst fine, and continues to do so to this day. My doctor gave me very explicit instructions regarding the care and maintanence of my new toy, which I happily follow religiously to this day...."Honey", he said, "you must remember this. You will have to USE IT, OR LOSE IT". Hmmmmm....tough job, I know. But, somebody has to do it. :-))
As for other women as sexual partners....well just a few years after my SRS, I met this deightful young woman who showed me that I had not given up women. After a very brief and torrid affair, she went back to her lover who had come looking for her, and left me broken hearted. But...No worries, mate. Lot's fine strong young men left in the sea.
:-)
The Scent of a Man, and not that Axe commercial crap or the I work at Midnight Taxi stuff either. Clean , crisp scent. I watched "An Affair to Remember" last night and, well, Cary Grant. Oh and Deborah Carr was in it too, I think.
Yes, I believe we are more apt to pick up on the male pheromone now, and, don't be surprised if you're notice for giving off the female scent....
No worries on the attraction part, I've not been attracted to almost anyone for over 6 years now. Mainly because of the working on me stuff.
The only thing I've come to notice is that where I used to never find men attractive at all aesthetically, now I find some of them fun to look at. But the fact is that when I think about sex with a man, I have the exact same lack of interest I have always had.
xoxo
@Jerica... it's funny, I don't notice stuff like that, the shirts off, etc. I am more noticing things like smiles, etc. Although if we keep going this way, I'm sure that will change. :)
@samson... whatever works for you, works for you! doesn't matter what I or anyone else does!
@Ariel... I love your theory, as I told you. There might be something to it. I bet it fits many of us.
@Anne... I am more than happy to give up the hetero stuff with women. Especially the role that I was in. And thanks for the description of your post-GRS experience. That's something I need to mentally prepare myself for and learn more about, what to expect, etc.
@Jenna...yes, I think a big part of the reason for no interest in anyone, is because I needed to get my own stuff in order, so to speak. It's close to being in order now.
@Tasha... heh, not me. I have interest. :O
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