It was a beautiful, sunny day. Picturesque. I was standing next to a river. This enormous "thing" approached in the river. It wasn't a boat... I had never seen anything like it before and I was intrigued. As it approached, I jumped into the river, to check it out. Once I got in the river with the "thing," it became clear to me that this was, in fact, just a boat. But it was a big, loud boat, seemingly different than your garden variety boat. I held onto the boat and rode along with it for a little while. It was actually kind of fun, to ride along with this big, strong boat. But after a little while, I realized just how fast the boat and the current were. Too fast. And this boat was just another boat. Just a big, loud boat. I noticed that I was getting too far away from where I wanted to be and that I didn't get off soon, it might be very difficult to get back. So I let go of the boat and swam to shore. I found my way to some country store, called someone, they came and picked me up and we went home.
I've felt a lot of stress lately about how I want to live my life going forward. Do I want to live loudly or live quietly? I much prefer the term "living quietly" to "living in stealth." I was asked to go to dinner with this politician recently. Despite the blog entry I wrote about that sparkly-picture thing, I still have huge reservations about it on a bunch of levels. My hits here have exploded in the past couple days due to an entry being reposted by a well-known activist. A friend warned me of "the calling," where one can get sucked into the trans community in a prominent role and these days, with the Internet, once your name is out there, you can't take it back. Forget about living a normal life, sister. My heart is not with the activist boat. It's just another way to live one's life. There's nothing that's necessarily elevated or noble about it... it's just another lifestyle.
The boat story above would be the cheesiest and most contrived analogy ever, if I had made it up for this blog... but I didn't... it was the dream I had last night. Often I'll have some strange dream and have no idea what to make of it. This one, not so much. My subconscious is speaking loud and clear.
Living quietly. As a "normal" person does. Don't most of us wish for that? I can't guarantee that I will ever live a normal life. But I can do things now that will guarantee that I won't... and I'd just assume not have any more crazy boat dreams for a while.
Posted by
Faline
4 comments:
You think the dream was a warning? I'd think "a politician wants to have dinner with me," should be warning enough. ;-)
I'm with you on living a quiet life.
Leave the spotlight for those who want it. As Rush sang, "Living on the lighted stage approaches the unreal." Once you get sucked into it, it's really hard to get your head out of that game and, especially in our little corner, people want you to be a model for whatever persona they attach to you. They want you to stand for something and they will use you.
And some people really want nothing more than that and fight tooth and nail to get it. I don't get the sense you have any desire to be that person, and so if you don't pursue it, I trust that the parade (or shiny boat) will pass you by.
At this point, I will stand right here next to you and Diana watching it go.
xoxo
It's important for you to do what's best for you. Until fairly recently, you avoided taking care of yourself in the one way you needed most. Now you are doing so. Some people feel called to live their lives in public, and indeed thrive on it. If that's not for you, you don't want to get sucked into it.
As tempting as what your "sister" was talking about is, it's not a realistic option for me. I have too much past, and I'm not about to leave it all behind. I make do with as much discretion as I can. Maybe the option is more possible for you.
If only it wasn't necessary! some people do thrive in the public eye, and sometimes I think those people would have a cause regardless what it was,they like life loud.
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