So this support site I help administer. One of its' functions is to show people what is possible. In terms of your life, your career, family, and also your appearance. And let's face it, as much as we poo-poo the superficiality of it at times, we transgender women spend a lot of time on things related to our appearance. Learning about clothes. Learning about makeup. Electrolysis. Facial feminization surgery. Laser hair removal. The list goes on and on. Anyway, as part of my role as an administrator, the owner of the site has asked me to provide some new pictures... "high quality - very feminine - something that says beauty, class, strength and leader. Hair, makeup, and outfit, a professional picture would be best."
Yikes! I'm still working on cute! Beauty? Class? Wait. I have class. Let's start over. Beauty? Strength? Leader? I can't pull that off!!! Then I started having all these moral quandries about sending the wrong message... that by getting by hair and makeup done, and having pictures taken, am I now perpetuating stereotypes? Am I now making my journey about my appearance, when in reality that's not such an important part of it? Am I showing off? The pictures I most enjoy and treasure, both my own and others, are pictures of trans women just living their lives... with their families, their kids, their friends. Not the glammed up pictures. And don't even get me started on the "Vanity Club." I am so NOT about that.
I emailed a few people I trusted and explained the situation, and my reservations, and they all pointed out in different ways, from different perspectives, that maybe this isn't the huge deal I am making it out to be. Maybe someone will look at my pictures, see where I started from, and see a possibility for herself. My sister correctly ascertained that I was a little intimidated by the "beauty, class, strength and leader" thing and suggested that it might be a very powerful thing for me to do. Another friend told me not to be afraid to sparkle... gave me this quote that she keeps...
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves; “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you NOT to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. WE ARE ALL MEANT TO SHINE, AS CHILDREN DO… it is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I felt much better about this after emailing with them about it. And let's face it... I'm 39 years old. I've not had the chance to go to prom, or be a bridesmaid, or a bride, get dressed up for a special evening, or even have a reason to shop for a special outfit. Or have my hair done other than for the reason that it's 60% grey. Why shouldn't I have the chance to experience this? Because I am afraid of how others might interpret it? The heck with that.
So in a couple weeks I have a friend coming to visit. We'll shop for something fabulous. Then a couple weeks after that, I have a hair appointment to get a "blow-out" (more good advice from Sis) and have my makeup done. It will all be tasteful and genuine and not over-the-top and it will be ME. Then I'm going to meet a photographer who told me that she had "lots of respect for the transgender experience, and that it would be an honor to photograph" me. And I will sparkle. And then I'm going out with some of my girlfriends. And we will sparkle. Because we are all meant to shine.
I wrote the above at work. This was the first song that came on the radio on the drive home. Seemed appropriate.
Although I hope I don't sparkle so much that I have fireworks shooting out of my boobs.
6 comments:
LOL!!! I hope you can keep the sparkling somewhat less...inflammatory.
But you absolutely have the right to go out and have someone pamper you and help you to sparkle (and then go and enjoy it). I'm a bit jealous, actually :D
xoxo
If per chance, you would like to read the entire UNEDITED quote, you can find it here...
http://anna-es-asi.blogspot.com/2010/12/merry-christs-mass-happy-holidays-to.html
Oh, and BTW, the pictures in that post are of a 50+ y/o woman of operative history, MOI! :-)
Well, my friend probably knew I was an agnostic. :)
Hangliding? I have a fear of heights!! Very cool that you're doing that sort of thing. Young at 50+. I like it.
Been reading a great side piece to recovery for women. Not that we are recovering from addictions, but we certainly are seeking to integrate the inner and outer to create integrity, which is what recovery is all about. So our growth histories share common points of discovery.
We challenge ourselves to become free of limitation yet, at times, others seek to imposed THEIR narrow definitions upon us. Where does our integrity lie? Within us or them?
Quite tongue in cheek I ask myself,
" Is this the new GLBT group..Giant Line Backer Trannies....From our P.E. Barnum's Bee Sting Wonder Gurls, our self published Know-it Laureates to our Tuna Boat Captains of Industry. we are seeing the emmergence of a new breed. Not sure I belong. Possibly as the Yogi Bear Master Guru of the one sammich short of a Pick-anic Basket.
Looking more like Gilligans Island than the Island of Misfit Toys. At least Santa rescued them..."
Follow your path... the Tao of Faline....
:)
One can never sparkle enough.
This made me think of a passage I recently read in The Sun magazine, from an interview with shaman Leslie Gray:
"In shamanism meaningful coincidences are usually a sign that your life is in alignment and harmonized. This is different from just feeling happy or healthy. You can have synchronicity in life and be sad. Sadness is a natural human feeling. I would be worried if someone never felt sad. We are not looking for constant happiness. Rather we are looking for the sense that life is flowing along the way it should be.
Synchronicities allow us to feel congruent. It can be difficult to hold on to that feeling when something untoward happens. If people experience a loss, they feel they are out of harmony somehow. But often they aren't. I am not against feeling good, of course. Feeling good is wonderful. But it is not the same thing as feeling synchronous or in alignment."
And as I was driving here just now intending to post this comment, Firework played on the radio. Ok, so the probability of that happening is fairly high, but never mind that. I concur with the fireworks shooting out of your boobs part. Coffee?
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