Part of the thoughts I was having on that awful car ride home last night were about being taken seriously by people, being accepted as a woman, and the seemingly utter hopelessness of it all.  This morning when I got up, I just didn't feel like putting any effort at all into my appearance.  Tank top, long sweater, leggings, boots.  No makeup.  And the morning after electrolysis and laser, trust me, one needs copious makeup.  Hair back in headband.  Residue of yesterday's mascara under my eyes.  I truly didn't care.  I had a pretty productive day at work, but as mid-afternoon approached, I started feeling emotional and teary-eyed again, as the weekend loomed.

And then it happened.

I've been emailing back and forth the past couple days with my therapist about letters for GRS.  I suggested something, and she wrote me back to confirm that we'd take my approach.  The text of the email...

"Okay, Tim!!  Let's try that!  Take care!"



That name has not come up or been used in therapy for close to a year.  This is really bad.  If my own therapist, who is in the midst of writing letters recommending me for genital reassignment surgery, doesn't think of me as Faline, who will?  It's very troubling.  I don't need my own therapist to shatter my confidence.  I emailed back that it was "troubling," and I did get the "I'm sorry!!!" but I also got "I'm sorry I trouble you," in a very martyr-ish, passive-aggressive sort of way.  I really don't want to have to change therapists at this point, I really don't.

I so didn't need this today, of all days.  I went into the private bathroom at work and cried.  I looked in the mirror at this face and these clothes and I feel like a complete fucking joke, someone who is being patted on the head and placated by everyone around her, but not really being taken seriously.  It has not been a good 24 hours.  Right now I just want to run away, run far, far away, and hide.

I'm feeling pretty knocked down right now.  I think I will go home and piss the night away... drink a whiskey drink, drink a vodka drink, drink a lager drink, drink a cider drink... but I'll get up again.



As Rocky Balboa says in the last film, "it's not about how hard you can hit... it's about how hard you can get hit... and still get up."

Much better sentiment than those anarchist f-ers Chumbawamba. : )

I hope your spirits life soon.


your therapist is a moron...or at least made a moronic blunder! you know, I was born a woman but I have those moments ALL THE TIME where I feel like a gender imposter/misfit, and wonder why I have no girlfriends. I am a computer nerd and always interested in science and math, so always feel out of place around 'the girls'. I remember one time crying after a night with girlfriends where they were looking at my closet to help me pick out something for a date and they told me that they couldn't tell if it was a girl's closet or a boy's. Unfortunately, those feelings aren't just for transgender - gender is so nebulous anyway. I don't mean to minimize your pain, which I cannot imagine, but to show you that other women have those feelings a lot, too. And Faline, I only know you as Faline, and you're going to have lots more friends as you go forward who only know you as you are today - so the gender thing will be a moot point with people like me. For now, I recommend a nice glass of wine and popcorn, maybe an episode of Big Bang THeory if you are so inclined. That's what I'm doing tonight! (((hugs)))

It's funny. I was already in the process of writing about how this shit happens. Mama said there'll be days like these, and she was right. We seem to be particularly susceptible to them. But it will get better for you. I know it will. You'll still have these days, but the good days will far outnumber them.

I agree that your therapist made a barely forgivable blunder. Take the letter and run!

More hugs!

If you know your own heart, you will know your own course. As Ariel said, just grab the letter and run.

I'm sure the therapist made an honest mistake. But I know how it feels to take a small slip like that wrong.

My boss the other day was talking to the receptionist in our office as she was examining a broken chair for replacement and he told her "Jeremy will turn the light on too" and when I didn't respond (I heard him fine) he corrected himself, "Er I mean Jerica" and I flipped the light on =P It still happens once in a while.

You know when it happens the most? When they aren't looking AT me. They have this old image in their head they are thinking of when conversing so unless they are looking at me and see the new image, sometimes they slip up.

I have a feeling it's the same with your therapist and please be sure to bring this up with him/her because it is important to correct someone, esp your therapist for things like this.


As one who passed down this road long ago , may I add something here? Your therapist's gaff was in fact a painful but valuable gift to you!

If even your therapist can't get the past and the present separate what does that mean for everyone else?

It's hard to hear what I am going to say, oh god is it hard, but at some point, if you have any hope at all of leading a normal life, you WILL have to sever ALL the connections to your past including those you've made on the way.

There is one and only one exception, children, but even there... Remember, women cannot be the daddy! The rest of the family? If they can make the leap they stay, if not... well you know what you will have to do..

Honey, been there done that and going through that process is ungodly painful but in the end, it is sooooo worth it as you fill your life with a new job, new relationships, new friend ships and new lovers. None of whom know you as anything but the woman you are...

Good luck Faline, you are off to a great start and I wish you all the best on a difficult journey.

PS, I know Kate Bornstine. All that nonsense she pumps out about third sex and gender ooutlaw is the bread and butter that keeps her on the college lecture circuit. so does she buy it? Well, Lets put it this way, she lives her own life by the binary!

Thanks... on one hand, it is hard to imagine severing all connections, but on the other, I can see where that might be true. I notice the phrase "stealth is so appealing..." running through my head more and more these days...


I just popped in and saw your reply, there was something about it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was that word you used...stealth. As I read it I had a little epiphany that I'd like to share with you if you don't mind.

If you choose to swim against the tide and actually live a womans life, (you have no idea how rare that will make you) one of the things you'll become more and more aware of as you grow is that words contained within the TG lexicon tend to mean the exact opposite of what they mean out here with the rest of the world.

Take the word stealth and the implied meaning behind that word! By all that you are told, ( why you should be "out and proud" of your difference and third gender state as a member of the LGBT yada yada yada, and if you are not out and proud of it, well shame on you, cause you are selfish little toad hiding, in stealth! Ohhh scary!

The reality? Stealth is a boogie man and does not exist! There's no "stealth" in my world. I get up everyday and go about my life as a woman just the same as the other three point five billion of us on this planet. I work, love and laugh and at the end of the day, my head hits the pillow and exhausted I fall asleep and nowhere in that am I other than what I am. A woman!

You see there can ONLY be stealth if you are in fact hiding something, like being something other than a woman, and last time I looked I was not hiding anything!

Now that said, did I once live the same life you did? Of course! But what you have to come to terms with is that you were not a guy but a female doing the very best you could to survive under horrible circumstances, and finally! FINALLY! You are in the process of correcting that error... Hallelujah! Your nightmare is ending and that is the point. This is TRANSITION< there is an end and once that is gone by, you will go on to be... shudder, here comes the word you are never suppose to use... normal!

Thats right you will be a normal everyday woman just like me so whats to hide or for that matter to tell? I mean my mother taught me the meaning of discretion and this is one of those things where it applies! I had a medical issue, I had it corrected and thenI moved on... end of story!

There is no shame in that but it's also no ones business but my own and I have done all I can to move me from connections for that very reason!

Coures the same goes for my not discussing former lovers or tell about breaking a tooth or an arm or the unfortunate affair that I had with a married man!

What you see is what you get, and what you see is a woman n'est pa?

I see something here Faline, I see someone who has the stuff to make it... if you don't drink the kool-aid!

PS I would pull any pictures you may havev from the net and any personal info... Trust me, you will live to rue the day you put it out there

I hope my words have helped you
Most Sincerely,
A sister

Thank you... they have, at least for now in the sense that you are forcing me to think in ways I might not have before.

Have I read words of yours before? Not here... but your writing style, phrasing, etc., are very familiar to me. I'm thinking of something online that I've read a couple times after my bell went off. In fact, I almost quoted something from it here last week (it's in draft). Do you know of what I am speaking?

It's possible, I once was a rather prolific with my writing... and I am honored if it was me that had a positive effect on your life!

What did I write of you may ask? My journey and the quiet help that I received from a few older and far wiser sisters who guided me past the barren rocks that wait for all who heed the siren song of the eternally transitional...

Thankfully that is now long behind me, and for the most part, I've since forsworn all things related to history and my past, preferring to live richly in what is a normal life in the normal world!

But at the prodding of an old friend over the (in my and her opinion)long over due call for the TS divorce from the umbrella I wound up following a link from Anne to your site...

That you were still new to the path, and yet asking the right questions, well, it was so refreshing that it intrigued me!

So if you have questions or thoughts, then fire away and I will do my very best to answer as truthfully and fully as I can!

A Sister

I'm too buried in thought at the moment for the right questions, but I am sure that I'll have some for you. :)

Post a Comment


My photo

When I transitioned, there just weren't too many blogs out there written by straight, transitioned women. Well, here's one.

I can be reached via email at this address.

Here is my comment policy.



counter customizable